EPisode 61 - Angie Weber
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Mel: / [00:00:00]
Welcome to Permission to be Human, the podcast. I'm your host Mel Findlater mother, coach, and curator of Permission to be Human, the company and community. If you're a mom, know a mom, or want to be a mom, and you crave getting out in the world to make a difference, then you're in the right place. This is a space for moms like you to connect with yourself, your purpose, and your big audacious dreams.
Because when you feel your best, you can better you, your family, and the wider world. Let's do this.
Today we speak with Angie Weber and hear her story about being an outpatient for anxiety, depression, and PTSD, and all of the amazing tools that she learned about being human and managing everything that comes our way and how she now wants to take that. Knowledge and share it with the [00:01:00] rest of us so that we don't have to get to the point of needing to be an outpatient or inpatient for these things.
Right. We can learn them and prevent them and catch them when they're early on. So Angie shares her story, but also so many amazing. Things that we can think about. Right. So here's the way she would describe herself. Angie Weber mom of twins, the creator of the parent toolbox and host of the podcast, Mom Essentials, is on a mission to help break generational parenting cycles.
Angie believes as we change conversations. We can change generations. So such a fantastic way to introduce her because today's conversation is exactly that. Let's use it to change future generations. So welcome Angie and enjoy the show
Mel: hi, Angie. Thanks for joining us today.
Angie: Well, thanks so much for having me. I'm happy to be here. [00:02:00]
Mel: It's so nice to have you here. And we got to have a little chat before, so I got the kind of Cliff Notes version of your story, and I'm excited to share it with the mums who are listening. This is a podcast very much about mothering and mothers who have big audacious dreams and want to get out there and make a difference in the world.
and the tools that will enable them to be their best self so that they can go and do that. So today I wanted to have you on here to chat through your story and what your big audacious dream is and see Where that leads us really because I know you've got lots of You know your own little tools that may well help along the way so we'll get to that too But so tell us about who is Angie.
Angie: Oh goodness. Okay, so My story really kind of when I became a mom Started when I was 26 when I had my [00:03:00] twins and I was working for a marketing company at the time and as much as I love my kids, I was excited to be a mom. You know, had hoped and prayed that I'd have a baby at 26. Turns out God has funny plans and decided to give me two right away.
Uh, and even though I really enjoyed being a mom, my priorities were really messed up. I was very much focused on the business that I was helping run. I didn't own it. I was just an employee, but took a lot of ownership in there. And, uh, It wasn't until my kids were about three that my priorities really shifted towards them when I figured out like, oh my gosh, what am I doing building someone else's dream?
And really, you know, always consumed in work and missing out on the things that my kids were doing at home, or me not being present when I was actually with them. And so I ended up quitting my job after seven years and pursued another kind of self care. Side business that I was doing, luckily that was there as an option.
And I was doing that for a few years and I loved it being able to be home with my kids. I just felt more centered. I felt more present. [00:04:00] I, I really didn't wanna miss out on any more of their childhood because I had a lot of mom guilt around that for a long time. Yeah. And, uh, which I think probably a lot of your listeners can relate to as well.
And I'm not telling anyone like, go quit your 9 to 5 tomorrow because you want to be with your kids more. Like, if that's what you can do and that's your, your dream you know, obviously take the steps forward to that. There is definitely a balance of being able to, you know, do work and life. But my priorities, again, we're just way out of whack.
So fast forward a couple of years, 2020 memorable year for everyone. It was a memorable year for me because I went through some personal trauma that led me to an intensive outpatient treatment for anxiety, depression, and PTSD. And it was probably one of the most challenging things that I've ever done.
And it was also the absolute best thing that I ever did for myself and for my kids. Because as I was going through my healing journey, there were so many days that I was like, I just want to lay in bed and I want to cover up and I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. And as beautiful as that [00:05:00] sounded, I also knew that that couldn't happen because I had these two tiny humans that I had to take care of.
And so I really kind of had to keep kind of forging ahead. And what I learned during this Intensive program was really the foundational pieces to take control of my mental health and my emotions. And it was stuff that I've never learned before. And there was just a light bulb as I was going through it thinking, Oh my gosh, why do people not know about this?
You shouldn't have to be in your 30s going through trauma in order to learn this. Like everyone should know this. And so as I started using the tools for myself, we also were in the first full school year for my kids during the, you know, pandemic still of going from in-person to hybrid to distant and all those kinds of things.
And I could see that their emotions were going all over the place too. And so being able to use the tools and have them. See me use them. They started picking up on those and started using 'em themselves, and I saw this huge change, not only within me, not only within my [00:06:00] relationship with my husband and how he parented, but with my kids too, and as a family as a whole.
So, mm-Hmm, . That's really where my business, the parent Toolbox came from, was really wanting to help break those generational cycles and educate everyone on proactive approaches to health, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Mel: Amazing. Uh, there's so much there, right? I have, like, 20 questions already, but Yeah.
So, you know, you were thrown this little twist in your life at 26, I think you said? Of like 26 is when I had my babies, yeah. Yeah, so you're like, I want one. Here's a, like, here's two, just gonna, just gonna throw this at you and I can only imagine the spin that that would like put on life, right? And I'm really curious, you know, you mentioned I think your wording was something along the lines of [00:07:00] I didn't have my priorities in the right place, and I'm curious if you could just expand on that a little bit before we dive into the later bits.
Angie: Yeah, absolutely. So, uh, I was very focused on The thought of my value is what I'm doing professionally, what I'm bringing in, what accomplishment, what awards I'm getting, how many clients I can get, what kind of sales goals I can meet. And I was truly trying to build up a lot of that before I even found out I was pregnant.
Cause you know, we did the whole, we're going to try for six months. Nothing happened. Didn't seem to be working. So we're like, let's just stop trying. It's not working. Let's just focus on being together. And I'm going to focus on my career. And then of course. four days after my 26th birthday, I found out I was pregnant.
So, , it did not go as planned again, but life never does. Right. And so I was constantly consumed with these messages from other entrepreneurs and these big speakers and these conferences that I was going to that you need to work harder. You need to [00:08:00] do more. You need to reach this milestone in business.
You need to make a, you know, a million dollars in business. And all of these messages were constantly Only in my brain of like, well, I'm not successful. I don't have any value unless I'm doing these things. I'm accomplishing these things. So then when kids came in, even during my maternity leave, I was constantly checking in with the office.
I was like, Hey, how's that client? Hey, what happened in that meeting? How are the sales going this month? And so, yes, I was. Physically present with my kids, and I'm not saying I was on my computer nonstop, but I know that a lot of the energy and time that I had with my kids during that really special time of them being just little baby newborns was very.
Misleaded because I was so focused on my career still, and it wasn't until the week between Christmas and New Year's when they were about three years old that that's really when it shifted because I just spent a whole week with them. We were all working from home, and this is prior to when working from home was like the norm.[00:09:00]
And I was terrified because I was like, what am I going to do all week with these kids? They're not going to be okay with me sitting on my computer. Like, how am I going to manage all of this? And we did end up going and doing so many things. And I, after that week, I thought, Oh my gosh. I love my kids on such a deeper level right now.
And what am I doing? It just was kind of that like slap in the face of, do you still want to constantly be working at this job? Which there were some other things going on in the background that weren't good for my mental health and the atmosphere and things. Or do I want to make a shift so that I know that I feel good and confident about what I'm doing as a mom and I'm creating good relationships with my kids so that they're not.
saying, well, mom was never home. Mom never did any of that. We barely saw her. She was always working. It was for me personally, very important to switch that. And that's why I quit a month later.
Mel: Yeah. Wow. So what comes the words that come to my mind is this, you have this mentality, which I think we all fall into at different stages and times of, [00:10:00] of doing is achieving, right.
As opposed to being. You know, you shifted that to like, I want to be with my kids, right? And that's different than doing.
Angie: Yeah. I think it's something that we all get drawn into a lot is that we wear busyness as a badge of honor. Yeah. And we constantly need to be doing, and our schedules need to be full, and we need to be running, and we need to be doing all of this.
Because that's what our society has said that, you know, if you're not busy, well, maybe you're lazy then like, why aren't you doing more? But instead we need to be really protective over our schedule. So for now, like I am very protective over my weekends. I'm very protective over my evenings. There is very far and few things in between that I will do during those times related to business, because that's our family time and I'm extremely protective over that.
But I think it is this, this really societal message that we always have to be doing in order to be valuable, and that's not the truth at all.
Mel: Yeah, exactly. That's amazing. Thank you for [00:11:00] sharing that. And I can, you know, I can relate to that and at different stages in time, and I remember that the time in my life when I started to reflect on do versus be, right?
I didn't want to do more. I wanted to be more. Or I wanted to be me. It wasn't even more. It was just like, I wanted to be the essence of who I am. And so, you know, You went through this big transition in life and you had, you know, the fortunate opportunity to start to dig into your own thing and your own business on the side and see how that went.
And then, you know, life threw you some big curveballs again. Right? Yeah. Some, some pretty big ones by the sound of it that really got you into a darker place. Yeah. So tell me, you know, in this, what did you call it? Like a recovery center? I forget the word you used.
Angie: Yeah, it was an intensive outpatient treatment program.
So we hear about [00:12:00] inpatient treatment a lot and we hear about things about, you know, addictions and
Mel: Hmm.
Angie: Items like that, and I had no idea that this help was even out there, and it wasn't until I talked to a girlfriend who was actually in an inpatient treatment for trauma, uh, and I was talking to her, and she, she was married at the time, but she didn't have any kids, and I remember being so envious, because I'm like, I want to go away.
I want to be able to focus on me, but I can't because I have all these responsibilities at home and you get to go away for like 60 days to another state and have all this time to work on yourself. And I could never do that. And I was just like green with envy because I think it's so important for us moms to be able to work on ourselves, but Typically, we put ourselves at the bottom of the barrel because we have so many other things that we feel like we need to do and other people that we need to take care of and she was the one who mentioned, you know, have you ever looked to an outpatient treatment?
And again, I had barely known about that. And the reason I'm so passionate about sharing that part of my story Story with other [00:13:00] people is because I've had so many conversations with people where I share that one-on-one with them, and they'll start asking me questions of like, well, where was it? How did you find it?
Tell me more about that. I have a friend who I think could really use this. And then later on in the conversation or later on, you know, a week or so later, they'll come back and say, I was the friend. I need that. So I think it's really important that we're sharing our struggles. And our healing journey is when we can with other moms to make them know that they're not alone in this that it's those days and going into a depression and having absolutely horrible anxiety, like, it's not great that we're doing it but you're not alone in that and there is hope to get on the other side.
Mel: Yeah, yeah, and it is great that you're healing, like you're taking steps. Right? And those are the types of things that, that make us want to, you know, anxiety, depression, all of those feelings around that. The go to response is like hide away [00:14:00] under your covers, right? Either physically, literally doing that, or as much as you're able to in your life, metaphorically.
And at the end of the day, it is through community connection and the, and the tools which we'll get into in a moment that, that help us move. Through that, right? Yeah, it is a through motion
not around
Yeah Yeah, so tell me about like what what was that like to be doing this program? And
Angie: yeah Well again, it was really scary and I had a lot of guilt by doing it because it was taking up I think the first couple weeks I was doing about 15 hours of therapy a week I mean it was intensive and I would go to group and I would, and it was all virtual, thank goodness.
But I would go into the group in the mornings and I'd be like, I have therapy hangover. I'm done talking about my feelings. Don't ask me about it anymore. Like I'm just [00:15:00] done. But you're right. Like sometimes we have to go through the storm to get on the other side and it's hard and it's challenging. But once we make it through, we can look back and be like, I got this like that wasn't that bad.
Those rain clouds. Yeah, they were wet, but there was no lightning in that. Or maybe there was lightning, but look it, I got through it on the other side. Yeah. And so I remember when I first started doing it, I did have a lot of those guilty moments though of, oh gosh, should I be doing this? There are people who have it so much worse than I do.
Why should I be taking a spot in this program when other people could be benefiting from it? Because I think the pandemic it, it shed a lot more light on mental health, which is great. I'm so glad that people are being more vocal. I mean, I know I have a couple friends who own therapy centers and their wait list.
Like when I ask them, what can I do to help support you? They're like, we're good. Like, we got a full roster right now. We don't need any more clients. I think we still have a long ways to go, and so, but going into it again, I felt like that guilt of why am [00:16:00] I here? I, I shouldn't be complaining. My life's not that bad.
But going through it and finding these foundational pieces where just. such life changing information again, that I'm like other people need to know about this because I had been through therapy, just traditional talk therapy for about a year and a half at that point. And it was great. It was what I needed at the time.
My husband and I were also doing marriage therapy, which was what we needed at the time. But I felt like the therapist was saying, Hey, here's page one. Now we're going to jump to page 10. And so there was a lot of stuff in between that I felt like was missing. And during this program, it really encouraged me to go from page one to page two.
And it was those fund, fundamental building blocks that were really needed. And even at the beginning where I was like, Oh gosh, I don't know if I wanted to do this. At the end, when I left four months later, I was balling like a baby. I was like, I don't know if I can do this now. I am so used to being in this program and getting the support and seeing the other people in there that, oh my gosh, how am I [00:17:00] going to survive without you?
And it was really emotional leaving as well. But I just, I'm so proud of myself of where I've came. I'm more confident. I learned a ton about boundaries, which again, that could have been real helpful back in my twenties, especially working. And, uh, I just am on this mission now to share it with other people, because I think it's so powerful for others to know about this.
Mel: Yeah, yeah. So that's great. And so tell us, like, my mind is going, okay, I want the detail now. Like, what are these tools? How is this different? What is page 2 as opposed to page 10? You know, give us some of, some of whatever comes to your mind with that.
Angie: Yeah, well, one of the biggest things that I learned through the program was really about emotional regulation.
And again, the We are told a little bit about emotions, right? Like we grow up hearing things like, Oh, you're sad, you're mad, you're happy, you're angry, whatever it is. Uh, and I had a great childhood. I will say like, my parents are [00:18:00] amazing. You know, we moved up to be closer to them and I had a really great childhood.
And I can also see how, when it came to emotions and mental health issues that were happening within our nuclear, and then also kind of our outside family, they just weren't talked about. They were very much swept underneath the rug. And it's not because my parents. We're trying to be harmful or didn't necessarily want to talk to me, it's that they didn't know how to, this is something that they got passed down from their parents of, Hey, we don't talk about that kind of stuff, and we don't look at that kind of stuff.
We're just gonna sweep it under the rug. You're fine. Like, let it go. And so we were constantly hearing these messages of don't be angry, don't be sad. Why are you making such a big deal about this? Don't let people see you cry. And really what that did was that. have us suppress our emotions a lot. And that also had us stop listening to our bodies because our body is giving us signals all the time when different emotions are coming up, when we're getting triggered by something, but it's uncomfortable.
So we like to just say, Hey, don't really want to feel this. I'm [00:19:00] just going to keep shoving it down. I'm going to use some survival resources or coping skills, and we're just going to pretend like everything is fine. And when I went through my trauma, I saw how I did that a lot. I'm very much a patient.
Fixer. When something goes wrong, I wanna fix it. Even if it's not with me. If it's with a close friend, I wanna fix it. I wanna help you get through it. But I don't wanna have to deal with the emotions myself because being able to do, do, do, that busyness that we talked about in the beginning right, was so much easier than having to.
Sit there in those uncomfortable feelings. And so one of the things I love to work with my clients on too is let's start listening to our bodies and start understanding what's happening when we're getting angry or when we're getting sad or when we're getting too energetic. And what can we do to express them in healthy, safe ways?
Because the more that we can do that as parents and as adults in general, which. is really hard because we've been hardwired for a very long time. Uh, once we are able to control that, we can then help our kids understand it at a younger age who don't have as much hardwiring at this point. So [00:20:00] that they can start building up their own little toolboxes, for later on in life because our kids are going to go through challenges.
We're still going to go through challenges. It's life. So, how can we better be prepared for this and really start listening to our bodies and tuning into, again, to that intuition that we were given, but we just ignore a lot of the time.
Mel: Yeah, that's so, so true and a theme and topic that comes up frequently in my conversations and in general on this podcast.
This idea that
our brain is separate from our body, you know, and this, like, we are, and our brain tends to run the show a lot. And we ignore the heart. There's this amazing comic strip, I don't know if you've seen it, it comes up all the time on mine, of like, literally it's a picture of a brain and a picture of a heart, and recently it's I wish I knew the name to give it credit, but I can't remember.
There was this, there was this picture of a, of a heart kind of rock climbing, and [00:21:00] it's it, it had, the brain below it, like, attached to it. And he's like, why is this so hard? And then it scans down to the picture of the brain, also having something attached to it, like a giant bag of, like, fear of failure and past mistakes.
And all of that, right? So we're pulling this all along. And I just, I really, I really, it's, it's, it's, I, I love that comic and it, it touches on that fact that as you say, our, our bodies are talking to us all the time, right? Our body is saying something and if we can catch it, if we can start to listen to it again and we can reconnect with that part of ourselves, then we can put a word on it because sometimes there's no word.
It's just, Oh, I noticed my stomach hurts. I remember my initial, part of my journey of realizing that I have more anxiety than [00:22:00] like I, that I even have anxiety because I never really thought I did, to be honest. I didn't, it wasn't a word or a thought that I really had. And I can't remember even exactly what it was.
I just remember that feeling of going, Oh, my stomach hurts. And then switching it in my brain to go. Hmm. That's interesting. Yeah. Like, how do I feel right now? And it was a prompt, right? And I'm like, Oh, and, and do you know what? At that point, I couldn't even answer that question. I'd just be like, I think that maybe I'm anxious about something.
What am I anxious about? And it was always a connection between anxiety and my stomach. Cause that's where it lives in me. Okay. Right? And that's, there might be a spot for the listeners out there of like, a spot in their body that it lives, depending on the phase. It, anxiety lives down in my like, between my ribcages.
Anger lives in my throat. Right? And you start to learn these different [00:23:00] parts of your body. And noticing is the first step. Even if you can't name it after that. Just notice first.
Angie: That is a huge thing that I work with my clients on when I do parent coaching with the parents. It's all about becoming curious and really starting to become aware because again, we live in a very reactive society.
So we see something and we react right away. And then. Instead, we need to be, start taking a proactive approach to everything, to our physical health, to our mental health, to our emotional health, our relationships. You know, there's so many different things, and being able to understand those cues in your body allows you that time to become curious and to take a step back and say, well, wait a minute, maybe I'm not.
Maybe I'm jumping to conclusion here. Maybe I am not seeing this for what it is. And when you were talking about, you know, the brain and the heart, it got me thinking about another thing that I talked to clients about is that we have our emotional mind, we have our rational mind, and then we have our wise mind where the two can really intersect and that's where [00:24:00] we wanna be, is in that.
in that wise mind section so that we're not necessarily only leading with logic or only leading with emotion, but we're really coming together as that whole body approach. And if you'd like, I can share with your listeners really quick, kind of the, the five areas that I teach people to look at as they're understanding and really developing this more, because when you start sitting in the uncomfortable, you are going to want to run, you're going to want to hide.
It's not going to be fun. I'm not saying this is fun stuff all the time. But it's so empowering. And I always tell people to look at the five core organizers. So we're going to first look, where are my body movements at? Do you feel like this energy is having to come out some way? Do you feel like you're getting really fidgety?
When you're like really highly, you know, in fight or flight or even in freeze, what are your body movements doing? Then you look at your body sensation, much of what you just talked about, I can feel my anxiety and Stomach because my stomach's getting tight. Maybe it's that people's shoulders are getting tight or their, you [00:25:00] know, their heart is beating even faster.
And it's funny because my daughter actually asked me yesterday mom, what's anxiety again? Because we've talked about it a little bit before, and I'm not trying to. Push this message on her that she has to have anxiety because everyone seems to have anxiety. But I think another point that you made is that I didn't even know I had anxiety.
When I was going through all of my stuff, I just labeled everything of, gosh, I'm really depressed right now. And the more that I learned about how my body was showing up and giving these signals, and the more I learned about the different definitions, I was like, oh my gosh. I actually have way more anxiety than depression and I never knew that before because I was so convinced from outside messages that I was just depressed.
So you're going to find those body sensations. And so I was telling her, you know, sometimes anxiety feels like your heart racing or your stomach getting butterflies, you know, and she was kind of commenting on what she feels during these high stress moments as well. Then you're going to think about what thoughts are you having.
Are you having a lot of negative self talk? [00:26:00] What kind of thoughts are coming into your brain and how fast are they coming? Because I know when I'm in my fight or flight like they're flying by me, but when I'm in my freeze mode I can barely make it through a thought because my brain just can't handle it.
cannot completely connect the end. And that's been for my relationship to, e because I'm able to, if w and I kind of shut down a what's wrong, I can now c know what? I'm not really What to say is wrong. I need a few minutes to process this. Where before it could have been like, I don't know. And then, you know, again, we both escalate in this situation.
So you're gonna think about your thoughts, then you're gonna think about your emotions, of course. What kind of emotions can we tie to this? Knowing that emotions are not bad. There is no wrong emotions. They are just emotions. We all have them and we need to stop labeling certain emotions as bad emotions.
And then we're also going to look at what are our five senses doing. So our sight, [00:27:00] our hearing, our taste, our smell, our touch, are any of them heightened or dulled in the moment? Because I know when I'm already stressed and then the dogs are barking in the background, Oh, that can set me off because my, my hearing is just so heightened at the moment.
And so again, it's not necessarily having a right or wrong answer to these. It's again, becoming curious and becoming aware of what our body is telling us. So then we can start identifying, are there certain situations, people, time that are setting us into these more triggering moments. And then we can proceed on the steps of what healthy coping skills can we implement to help us get back to our sweet spot of emotions.
Mel: Yeah. Yeah. That's great. I think that's a really, you know, what you're describing there is a way to really check in with you, right? Checking in with those different parts of your body, checking in with how it's showing up because it shows up differently sometimes.
And
then, you know, so, uh, a phrase we often use in the kind of positive psychology [00:28:00] world is notice, name, navigate.
So
you're in that
notice stage. You're like, yeah, okay. I'm noticing the stomach, I'm noticing the heart, I'm noticing the sweating, my face goes red, like, I'm noticing these things, then it's naming like Okay. I think that's maybe anxiety and you, you know, and then you navigate through it, right? And sometimes that process actually takes days, like you don't know, or years sometimes, but not so much.
But it's well for the bigger ones, but in the moment it's, yeah, you're not, you're in the notice stage, right? That, that thoughts and those emotions of where am I at? Where am I actually at? How many times does someone, do we ask ourselves that? How many times do other people ask ourselves that? Okay. Or ask us that, like not many.
We say, how are you? But we don't expect a real answer.
Angie: No. No. And then if you do give someone a real answer, they're like, whoa, too much information because I don't know how to respond to that. I'm feeling uncomfortable. I just wanted to say, have you [00:29:00] say you were good, Mel? That's it.
I
didn't. Exactly.
Mel: But I refuse to actually say that most of the time now.
I have to, I stop and I reflect and they're like, oh, you stopped. Are you okay? I was like, no, I just really wanted to give you an actual answer. And it took me a second to like, check in with myself. How am I actually right now? And it doesn't have to be the detail. The answer might just be, I'm okay. I think I'm okay.
You know, that's enough. But depending on who you're talking to, of course, but yeah.
Angie: Yeah. Yeah. It's funny when you say that 'cause I remember specifically a time when a friend who I hadn't seen for a long time was like, Hey, how are you? And I did, I took that pause and I took a step back and I was just kind of thinking like, how am I, how has life been?
And I was like, I'm good. And she's like, well, I don't think you're telling me the truth. I'm like, no, I am. I just wanted to take a moment to reflect on how I actually am versus just giving that reactive answer that most people do.
Mel: Yeah, it's funny in England where I used [00:30:00] to live, uh, for like 14 years, one of the phrases instead of how are you?
They sell, they say, y'all right? And you go, yep. It's like even less. There's no, yeah. Right? Yep. Like I don't even know how to respond that without yep. You? Yep. Oh, that's so funny. It's even more shortened. Awesome. So you've got your thoughts and emotions there, you've noticed things, you've got these, you know, you've learned all these incredible tools which by the sounds of it have really transformed Your ability to live life.
I was gonna say transform your life, but I think it's your ability to live life.
Angie: Absolutely. Absolutely. It's been a, again, a huge game changer and you know when I went through my trauma, it's, I'm about four years out from it and this last year, it's still really hard around the time when everything happened and I did get triggered and I was feeling [00:31:00] down, but there was this just feeling of relief this year and gratefulness when I was going through it, because even though it was hard, I mean, being able to understand your emotions and be more proactive with it doesn't mean that you're never going to go through hard stuff.
It doesn't mean you're not going to be sad or, you know, depressed sometimes, but just being able to understand and really listen to my body and allow myself to know, you know what, I need rest. right now and not feel guilty about it. Because how many times did I feel guilty about needing to rest or having 20 minutes to take a break, but I just decided to pull up my computer instead.
And it was just this like, sigh of relief of like, okay, it's hard right now, but I'm listening to my body. I know that I'm going to get through it. I know the things that I need to do to make me feel better and we're going to move on. But if I didn't have these tools, it's so easy to say, Stay in that cycle.
And for moms especially, so many of us are stuck in our [00:32:00] fight or flight mode, but we don't even realize it because it's just the norm for us. Yeah. And that's not normal. And it doesn't have to be your normal Yeah. And you can, you know, get out of that. cycle. And it's, yeah, just this amazing tools that I've been able to share with other people too, to help them really take that step back and feel more confident in their relationships and themselves and just kind of everything in between.
Mel: Amazing. So where are you at now? You know, you've got this, this business and the, how is that going now that you have this set of tools, which you also get to share with the world, uh, you know, in your toolbox. .
Angie: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I never intended this to necessarily be my business. Mm-Hmm. . I was still educating about holistic health essential oils, things like that, because I love doing those types of classes and sharing it, because again, that was a tool that we started using when my kids were very [00:33:00] young, uh, that I saw huge impacts for our health and our family.
And so I finally decided, I was like, you know what? I'm gonna tie in this. holistic practice with these other therapeutic concepts and strategies and call it the parent toolbox. And so I did a class and so many of the moms afterwards were like, Oh my gosh, why don't we know this? Why aren't we teaching our kids this in school?
And even one mom who is an empty nester that said, gosh, I really, really wish I would've had these tools when my kids were younger because they probably think all I did was yell. And I, so then I rebranded my business. To be the parent toolbox. I started my podcast called Mom Essentials back in May of 2022.
And, uh, just again wanted to get the information out there, but I truly love working one-on-one with people. So I jumped into the coaching side of it and now, yeah, I'm just on a mission to get the word out, but also help parents, one-on-one to feel more confident, to be able to understand their emotional regulation, to be able to have better [00:34:00] communication with their kids, build stronger bonds so that they don't look.
back and they're like, gosh, I really wish I would have done stuff differently. And I feel like I don't even know who my kid is now.
Mel: Yeah. So two questions come to mind. I'm just going to put them both out there. One is, I'd love to know in, in like a phrase, we've definitely touched on what the answer is, but what your big auditions dream is and what you would call it.
But the second, so we can, you can pick which one you want to start with. Okay. The second is. You know, you've got this life now, and maybe this is the second then, you've got this life now, you've got this dream, and how does it compare to that mom back in, you know, early days when you didn't, when you were go, go, go?
Angie: Yeah. Oh my gosh, it's like making me emotional thinking about right now, actually. So I'll start with the second one, since it's bringing up some big emotions. You know, again, I think I was, the good mom on [00:35:00] paper back then, but I didn't feel like the good mom. And I'm not saying I'm the perfect parent because there is no perfect parent out there.
You're going to fail miserably. If that's what you're trying to achieve, we all mess up. And so I think the mom back then I was again, constantly trying to do, do, do, and I've talked about this on my podcast. I've talked about other podcasts I've been on, but the one phrase that I had to have my husband stop saying to me is.
Supermom because that puts so much more pressure on me to feel like, oh my gosh, if I drop a ball, I'm not gonna be able, like I'm gonna be a failure. My kids are gonna think I'm a failure. My husband, my friends, my coworker, you know, whoever was looking at me like it was the ultimate failure for me. And it just put way too much pressure.
So I feel like I was, again, constantly in that fight or flight mode, nonstop, not knowing how to get out of it. And now I fast. Forward to the work that I'm doing and being able to show my kids what I'm doing as a greater impact, as a greater legacy for them to see. And being able to hold better boundaries with myself and those around me have been [00:36:00] so instrumental.
Like I said, I'm protective over my weekends. I'm protective over my nights for most, the most part. Mm-Hmm. and. It's just, I feel so much more confident in who I am. I'm feel more confident with the people that I surround myself with. And also the way that I'm raising my kids. Again, we still have our hiccups.
I still, you know, lead with my emotions sometimes, but being able to just have a better understanding of myself has made me better in so many different areas, which before there were a lot of times that I would, you know, get angry and maybe freak out a little bit or, you know, have more breakdowns because my stress level just got way too high.
And it felt like I didn't have anyone to reach out to or explain that to. So it really does feel like a night and night and day difference. And I guess I got emotional about it because I wouldn't, it was a great learning lesson. Like I don't regret anything in the past, but I can't imagine being stuck in that space.
And it makes me sad because I know so many moms are. and they don't know how to get [00:37:00] out of it. So my big audacious goal is to share this information and to help parents become more confident and raise some really amazing humans. I mean, this has had me, you know, thinking about writing a book. I've even thought about possible centers opening for additional help for moms and parents in general to get more support and that guidance and that help through parent coaching and other types of offerings, because I just, it's, takes a village to raise raise Children, they say we're standing there like I don't know what it is w I want to be able to crea people where they don't f for things that they're d past, but really a suppor Like, I'm not alone in this, I can get help, and I don't have to be afraid to talk about my struggles, because I know that I'm not the only one going through it.
Mel: Yes. Yeah. I [00:38:00] love, well, again, there's so many things coming to my mind, but so I'll say the, the most prompt one to the, what you just said, the village, the village is so true, right? And I've had similar ambitions for the exact same reason. And I love that that's the dream is to get this out there, to help moms see that they're not alone and to create that village that is so needed in that world.
It's a cliche for a reason. Right? Yeah. And yet it's not there. It's not. And then the other thing coming to my mind, you know, as you described the answer to number two, as we'll put it of, of the, the life back then versus the life now, you know, that emotion came up and it makes me want to invite you to, like, Just take a second and breathe that and connect in with that and I'm curious of where that does land in your body as an example for our listeners of that in practice, right?
You felt the emotions. I can [00:39:00] see it in your eyes, but I can't tell what's happening, you know, in the rest of you.
Angie: Yeah, I mean, it definitely came up in my stomach, kind of that, like, fluttery, kind of not starting to form, uh, because it just does seem like it was such a drastic different life. And again, I learned a lot of things, but I'm so glad that I'm not there anymore.
You know, definitely felt my shoulders get a little bit tense thinking about it, but then, you know, the lower half of my body and my legs just kind of, uh, kind of went numb, like heavy. Yeah. where I feel like I couldn't really move them. So again, like checking in with these things in our body to don't have to be this long drawn out thing.
You know, it can be really quick, just like you asked me to do is just take a second and focus on what it is. And, and that's where it was kind of coming up. And yeah, I had tears, you know, kind of welling up in my eyes, my throat got a little, a little tighter. So, So again, it's giving us permission to feel those things and not putting any judgment because the village thing, for example [00:40:00] so I like to say find your elephants instead of find your village because elephants, when a mama is giving birth, they will circle around her.
They will kick up the dust. They will keep her protected from predators and, you know, Do all the things to really protect her. And I think with this idea of a village and not being able to find one, one of my biggest passions for making sure women and moms feel supported is because we have this culture of online groups that can be really great and they can be extremely damaging.
And there are so many groups that I'm a part of that moms will post anonymously and even say, I am posting anonymously because I don't want you to judge me. How messed up is that? You are in a. private mom group, and you are having to say, I don't want you to judge me. We need to stop doing that. And we need to really take a step back and not put as much judgment because if a mom says that and she gets negative feedback, she's going to, she already feels defeated.
She's going to feel even more [00:41:00] defeated and never want to reach out for advice again. So we need to find those elephants that are going to surround us and that are going to protect us when we're going through those hard things so that we can make it through it. Sorry, I went off on a tangent there, but I'm super passionate about elephants.
Mel: Uh, that's a great tangent, and I was gonna save this for afterwards, but I'm gonna say it to you right now. There's another podcast episode that I did right near the beginning with Catherine Edsel, and she runs an incredible program called The Matriarch Adventure, and she takes, used to be only moms, now women, off into the deserts, I can't remember what country it was, and, like, follows the elephants, and it's all about matriarchy, and it's this, like, conservation land that you're also supporting through the project and all this stuff and I'm like, oh, you would, like, you would love that.
Yeah. Yeah. So do check that out. Absolutely. And anybody, check that out. Catherine's interview is amazing. I think it's titled, I wanted to go out [00:42:00] and change the world, but I couldn't find a babysitter. Which is what her TED talk starts with, but, yeah, that's just the elephant thing just really brought that up because they are, as you say, really, really the matriarchs.
Mm hmm. Yeah. So as we start to pull this to a close, I, I always ask people to give, guests to give a tip to the listeners. And actually I'm going to turn yours on a, on its head a little bit because what's coming to me is actually, what would you say? What tip would you give or what would you say to that version of yourself that many years ago now that you're you?
Angie: Mmm, I think I would tell my younger self. It's okay to work on you It's okay to take that time to figure things out and really focus on you And you don't have to be super mom in order to be a great mom because that's not what your kids want They don't want the perfect mom. They just want you And so I think if I knew [00:43:00] back then what I know now, obviously things would be maybe a little bit different.
Uh, but I think just really giving myself permission to take that time and to do that self discovery even while I was still, you know, working and being a wife and being a mom and being a friend, you know, again, the cliche of you can't pour from an empty cup. It's the It's there for a reason because we can't, and the more that we try, you know, knock out that last drip of water, uh, it's not doing anyone any good.
Ourself included.
Mel: That's beautiful. Thank you. So where, if people are listening, they're like, yes, Parent Toolkit, these are the types of things that I wish I, I need to know this. Basically, they want to connect with you. Where can they find you?
Angie: Yeah, they can go to theparenttoolbox. info to find out more ways to connect with me online.
Also, you know, just through my contact form, I do parent tantrum sessions, because even us, Parents [00:44:00] need to have a little meltdown sometimes. Oh, I love that so much. And then you can also find more information about my coaching and how I take people through the calm approach to confident parenting.
Mel: Brilliant. Thank you so much for joining us today and being so generous with your, your story and your information and you.
Angie: Oh, well, thank you so much for having me on. I truly appreciate it.
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Mel: That is it, folks. This has been Mel Findlater on Permission to Be Human, the podcast, and I am so glad that you have joined us here today and hope that you have taken away some tidbits that will help you go away, connect with your big audacious dream, and make that massive impact in the world that you are dying to make.
If you liked today's episode, please, please, please Like it, share it. Think of one person. Think of one person [00:45:00] that you think would also like it and send it on over to them. Let's get this out there and more moms feeling like themselves. Inspired, Dreaming big and out there. Please do head on over to find me on Facebook with permission to be human or Instagram or you can even Off me an email and say hello.
Have permission to be human always at gmail. com say hello and let me know that you listened. What did you like about it? I would love to hear if you didn't like it. I don't really want to know. Just kidding. You can share that if you want. I would love to know, however, who you are. Let's connect. Let's find out what you want more of.
I want to hear from you and I want to make it what would be useful to you. As always, remember that you have permission to dream big, [00:46:00] permission to feel big, and permission to be you. You have complete and full permission to be human. For real, you
do.
