Episode 55- Anniversary Special - Meet the younger Mel
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[00:00:00] Welcome to Permission to be Human, the podcast. I'm your host Mel Findlater, mother, coach, and curator of Permission to be Human, the company and community. If you're a mom, know a mom, or want to be a mom, and you crave getting out in the world to make a difference, then you're in the right place. This is a space for moms like you to connect with yourself, your purpose, and your big audacious dreams.
Because when you feel your best, you can better you, your family, and the wider world. Let's do this.
Happy birthday to us! It is one year since this podcast, Permission to Be Human, the podcast [00:01:00] has come into fruition. That's not even counting the trailer that happened a little while before. I'm so excited that, one, I've made it this far. being consistent every single week. An episode has come out Tuesday morning, 7am PST.
And you know what? I'm so excited that people are listening because I really believe in this message that mothering is what's going to change the world. And you moms and you people mothering with big audacious dreams, we need to support you to be your best self. Right. And to have those big dreams. So thank you so much for showing up and listening to this podcast, whether you've listened since the beginning or this is your very first episode, I am so, so grateful and appreciative for you being here right now.
We have some exciting stuff this week. Every single day, there'll be a [00:02:00] podcast episode coming out at 7 a. m. PST. That's just a crazy amount of work, but it has been so, so worth it to bring this to you at 10 a. m. PST each day, Sunday to Saturday from May 12th, we will be having a Facebook and Insta live with really short, short episodes, but ones that are super tangible where you have a tool to walk away with to help you get over overwhelmed, get over overwhelmed.
Because it's hard to dream big when you're still in survival mode. And let's face it, sometimes we're overwhelmed in this life that is mothering, right? So show up on those. And at the end of the week on Saturday, I am going to be giving away two pretty incredible prizes. I'm going to be giving two [00:03:00] coaching packages for possibility coaching where you get to work with me one to one and look into what your big audacious dream is and how you can get there.
I will support you. I will cheer you on and I am so excited to do just that. So two packages are coming your way. For those people who do the following, you need to like the Facebook page, permission to be human. And if you're on Instagram, you need to get on there and follow us on Instagram, permission to be human coaching.
And finally, to really support this podcast, please go on Spotify and rate us and follow us. That will also make sure we get in your, in your list. So it shows you when a new episode comes up. And if you're on Apple, then you can go in there and rate [00:04:00] and write us a review. That really helps me and the podcast to be seen by more people.
So thank you. And yeah, I'm gonna, whoever does two, at least two of those things will be entered into a draw. And on Saturday, I will. Find some magical online tool to pull it out of a hat and see what, see who wins those two coaching packages. I'm going to add another one on and I'm literally just thinking of it right now, which is, I have a beautiful bookshelf behind me.
If you're just listening to audio, you can't see it, but it is lovely and color coded and gets commented on a lot. And I'm going to let you pick your favorite book off my bookshelf and send it to you in the mail. So that's pretty awesome. These books are full of like science backed tool, positive psychology, inspiration, parenting, strength, faith models.
There's so much good stuff up there. So I'm going to send you [00:05:00] a book that will be a third prize. So hooray, hooray, it's one year. Enjoy the podcast for today and we'll see you soon.
Mel: All right, we have Jenn Bolduc today, an old friend from high school, I suppose, days here for a little bit of a different play on the podcast this week because it is the one year anniversary. So I asked Jenn to come on and kind of reminisce a little bit with me and share with people what our memories of me and us are from when we were kids and what that looked like and, See where that goes, you know, I was just saying to you Jenn, I don't, I don't talk about myself a lot on this podcast, so this week is an interesting experience to just share some of those things that people will have no clue that that's, that's been part of my life.
So thanks for [00:06:00] agreeing to come and, and explore our memories, how good or not so good they work together. Yeah. For sure.
Jenn: Yeah. I was actually. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. How do I know you? You said from school, but then I was like, did we know each other from softball in elementary school? Like before we actually went to school together?
Maybe. I
Mel: don't know. That's very possible. Yeah. Because I remember I did do softball. I'm just starting it up again. I was just telling you that. Mm hmm. So yeah, maybe we did know each other through that first, then school and soccer alongside. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so maybe say a little bit more about that, like, so how do we know each other in your eyes?
What, what do you remember?
Jenn: Yeah, I don't know. I mostly remember, , probably from high school soccer at first, especially since we were both grade nines playing on the senior team. But then like our little, I don't know if I was with the french immersion kids right [00:07:00] away. I mean, we definitely would have had overlap with sports for sure, because we were both in that world.
Mm hmm.
Mel: Yeah, one thing I do think, like, our crossovers were definitely in sports, so, I was one of those kids that, I was at school from like 7am until sometimes 6, 7pm, right, like, and I think you were in there sometimes, yeah, like, it, it really was my life, I don't, I don't think I could ever really get into trouble because I was doing so many extracurricular activities from music in the morning, usually, through to our sports
Jenn: in the afternoon.
Mel: Yeah.
Jenn: Yeah. Absolutely. I think for a while there, we even had practices under the lights from like 8 till 10 at night or something. Or 6 till 8. I remember it overlapped. Yeah. It overlapped with Survivor. So we couldn't watch it. Survivor. Yeah. Grade 10, 11, 12. I remember. I had to miss it because we were always at soccer practice late.
Yeah,
Mel: yeah. So we played for [00:08:00] the school team, the high school team. Like you said, we were the young ones on the team playing up with the 11s and grade 11s and 12s which was, you know, quite the experience. I think it was actually one of my favorite soccer experiences was doing that. Yeah.
Jenn: Totally agree. I mean, we went to Provincials that year, so that was a cool thing too.
SFU. Except,
Mel: except for the last game, yeah. So where were we, where did we go?
Jenn: Where, we placed third. Yeah, do you remember where it was? It was on the mainland somewhere? Burnaby. We stayed at SFU. So I thought, oh, I'm a big kid now. I'm staying in dorms at UBC. Actually, they were like townhouses. Remember, they were townhouses.
Mel: Yeah. So I'm on Vancouver Island now. You're on the mainland. The kind of BC mainland. And that's where we grew up was, You're more interior now, but I was, you know, in, we were in the Vancouver type area for [00:09:00] those that don't, that don't know it around here. And yeah, we went, we went to SFU, which is Simon Fraser University and did that tournament with the high school team.
And I remember Randie Hermus was on the team and she's, you know, went on to play for the Canada team. And, It was such an amazing experience to, yeah, I felt really old and important and in some ways very young and not important all at the same time.
Jenn: Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. It's like terrifying at the same time.
Mel: Yeah, totally. So soccer was a really a big part of, well, our joint life. And definitely for me, a huge part. I, I don't know what age you started. I started when I was four and really only stopped a few times as an adult when I was injured slash pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, I started at 10. So a little bit later, but yeah, yeah.
But I said, it's, it was like, it's interesting. I feel like that sport part of my life through softball, [00:10:00] through, through soccer and some of the other sports that we played in high school, like basketball and volleyball. And you know, those were, I, I believe they made me who I am. Like they were a big part of it.
Cause I spent so much time doing sports and learning to like be part of a team. You show up to this no matter what. I remember a conversation with my dad when I was in trouble about something or other and, and, and I always knew that like, I would never be grounded from going to a sport because that's not fair to the team.
Right? That stuck in my head. Yes, absolutely. I completely relate
Jenn: to that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was such a big part of both of our lives in high school. It kept us out of trouble for sure. I mean, I was, I was thinking about that though, like a memory that came back to me, it was one of a good memory that I have kind of a fun memory was when we were at nationals and we snuck out to those Quebec [00:11:00] boys room.
Do you remember that? Vaguely. Vaguely. And they might've had some beverages in there. I didn't, I didn't take any of them cause I was a good girl, except for I was, I was a good girl. I mean, I, except for when it came to the boys and I was like happy to sneak out to see boys, but.
Mel: So that was like, that was like grade 12, I think, wasn't it?
We were, yeah. Yeah. We were pretty old by then. And that's when our, our community team, which humorously was called the dream team. I still like shy away when I say those words, but we were quite good and we made it yeah, through the provincials won that and went to nationals in Newfoundland, which was such a cool experience.
I really want to go back there though. That was a really neat place. And I remember the accents being very difficult to understand sometimes. Yeah. And yes. Being a bit cheeky sometimes with the girls, but that's the, that's the joy of grade 12, right? But then [00:12:00] again, you and I were, let's be honest, we're kind of the goody two shy
Jenn: good girls of the whole crew.
Yeah, I think like that's one thing you and I had in common. We kind of stayed out of the drama. Yeah, or we took that we took the neutral ground like I know in our team had some division going on like both of us tried to find like this kind of neutral path through which I found like people don't want you to stay there.
They want you to like commit to one side or the other, which is, I don't know, maybe a bit of an analogy towards the way society is right now. They want you to commit to far left or far right. And it's like, I'm more comfortable finding, like, what works for the good of all. And I think you were very much that way, too, in high school.
Mel: Yeah, I think so, too. I think you're right. We did relate on that one. And I still kind of lean that way. I'm always like, how can we just make as many people happy as possible? And, like, I'm the kind of peacekeeper of that. You know, that was my role in my family, still is, that's my role in society that I seem to step into and, [00:13:00] you know, it comes with some amazing benefits and some big challenges as well, because it's very easy to step into the, like, saviour role of that, which isn't always particularly helpful
Jenn: for me, anyways.
No, absolutely.
Mel: It's,
Jenn: it's kind of, yeah, a bit bittersweet sometimes. I think, I think you are much better at being kind of a relentless optimist than I was, or at least you pretended to be. I don't know, I was like, Mel is going to find the positive in this situation and and find out a hopeful way through it.
And I think sometimes I wasn't as, As good at that as you were, but that's okay. We all have our dreams. Maybe, maybe you're just better at faking it than I was.
Mel: Maybe. I kind of so my memory of myself as a younger, being younger was that I, yeah, I didn't want to get into the drama, as you say. I was pretty shy.
And even still now , it's not, I'm not the one that's out there talking [00:14:00] to every person in a crowd. Large crowds make me nervous, in fact, and did then and still do now, and, Yeah, it was, it's, it's a funny thing to say to people on a podcast that I don't even know like necessarily who's gonna listen to this that I consider myself shy, or at least I did consider myself shy.
But that is the case, that, that is a definitely a huge part of my personality that I just, I'm a watcher. I watch and see how it goes and then step in when I feel like, you know, the appropriate moment is there.
Jenn: Yeah. I would push back against it a little bit. I found you quite like sociable and congenial.
Interesting. Isn't it
Mel: funny how we have these, views of ourself and memories of ourself as a kid? I don't remember, I don't remember having a lot of friends in high school or elementary school. I remember, at [00:15:00] least not a lot of close friends. I was known by everybody. Because I was in all these different activities and stuff, and yet maybe there's just, I always craved a depth that I didn't always get, and me, and I always felt like I was a 40 year old and like a 16 year old body when I was in high school.
I wanted to go talk about I don't know, big world things.
Jenn: Yeah, a little bit, right? A little bit of an old soul. I think maybe that's why like you and Sarah and I bonded because we're kind of all a little bit ahead of our time.
Mel: Yeah, yeah. For various
Jenn: reasons.
Mel: Yeah. Okay, so cool. So we know how we know each other, we chatted a little bit about our sports, and what would you say, what's, what's a memory that comes up for you of like, a favorite memory of that time?
Jenn: Yeah, I don't know, there's so many. I mean, I, that, when we went camping that one time, I don't know why that memory always sticks with me, but It was such a miserable camping trip, but we had such a fun time. It was pouring rain [00:16:00] and Alouette Lake there? Yeah. I mean, I guess that's after high school, just, just after high school though.
So it was really when we were just like, we are out in the adult world, like. Yes. You know, we can't hide behind, we can't hide behind our sports anymore. Can't hide behind our families like this is us and it was just like yeah, a little bit of survival to fit us there But
Mel: well, it was I'm pretty sure like the tent flooded if I recall Yeah, it is massive tent that we were sleeping in of my parents Totally flooded we slept in the vehicle at least some of us did I think but do you know what mostly I remember about that?
Time because we were like the good girls. That was one of the times like We, like, did something wrong because we had brought some alcohol and it was like, and you weren't allowed to have it on site for some reason. It was like one of the rules of the campsite. So they, they had to, like, watch us drive it to someone's [00:17:00] car that was parked, like, Out at the beginning, so it was really interesting to, but that's just not, we weren't the people that would normally, get caught for something, or even be doing, we weren't, we weren't totally reasonable about it, I have to say, it just felt like we were being, you know, like, slightly bending rules.
Yeah,
Jenn: like, a moderate rebellion. I think we were all legal age for drinking at the time, though. I feel like we were. Yeah. It was just something about it being in the campground. Yeah. And we were like the only people there. There was us and there was that older couple that saved us with their wood. But yeah.
Yes.
Mel: But I think, you know, and I used to get really frustrated at this. It's the way that culture views People of that age, you know, the teenagers slash early, late teenager, early, early 20s is that they're irresponsible and they make bad choices and all these things and we were just gonna go and maybe have one or two drinks around a fire and the pouring rain and [00:18:00] hope we survived.
Jenn: But it's like true West Coast form, right? Like, Oh, yes, you're gonna get soaked on the North Coast there. But yeah. Transcribed It is gorgeous over here as
Mel: nobody's ever been, and it is very wet. When it's wet, it
Jenn: is wet. Yeah. Yeah. You get mildly hypothermic, I think. So, but yeah. So many of our memories are like, we're with sports trips and stuff like that, right?
So I was trying to think of like, what's one that we had that was not sports related? It was just like, we just enjoy each other as human beings. Yeah. And just getting out there, going on an adventure without our parents planning it and, yeah, I don't know. Yeah. No, that's awesome. It seemed like a transitional event.
Mel: Yeah.
Jenn: Yeah.
Mel: Yeah. Yeah. I think that's right. It was a transition into adulthood. Right? Really, cause we didn't see each other for a while after that, I would say. No. We had a lot of, a lot of years away from each other. We went on to university. Yeah. [00:19:00] Yeah. And you're one of the only. Friends that I've really stayed properly connect, connected with from that kind of stage of my life, I would say, you know, there's ones through Facebook, you kind of are able to stay a little bit connected, but yeah, it's lovely that we can, we can chat more now, even with little gaps in between.
Jenn: Yeah, yeah, I'm more the like, I'll prod people through messenger, just like that little more personal touch than just the Facebook post. I've kind of stayed out of the social media world, largely, actually.
Mel: Okay, so what about a funny moment? Or maybe that was your funny moment.
Jenn: I don't know. I was thinking, like, there was probably a moment where we were both boogie boarding in Hawaii and our shirts came, our tops came off, no doubt. We
Mel: probably
Jenn: were,
Mel: yeah. So we went to Hawaii in grade, what, 11? I want to say?
Grade 12,
Jenn: also grade,
Mel: it was grade 12 as well. Gosh, we had a busy year. Yeah.
Jenn: Spring of grade 12. Grade 12 year was a pretty good year for us.
Mel: It [00:20:00] was an awesome year. We were so lucky that one of our teachers who was also the volleyball coach was like, let's all go to Hawaii and go in this tournament. I think we played like three games the whole time we were there.
We got creamed. 'cause they're very good at volleyball in Hawaii. Yeah. But we got to go there and that was. Yeah, that was a real,
I don't even know how to describe it. It was, it was a, there's lots of memories there. There's lots of like growing up, like I felt like we were given a lot of independence and trust for sometimes the first, for one of the first times actually. Yeah. So that was really, really nice. We had
Jenn: so much independence there.
Like.
Mel: Yeah.
Jenn: So much freedom.
Mel: Mm hmm.
Jenn: Yeah. We were trusted. And
Mel: we, and you know what? We were all really good about that. And we were trusted to, to go and behave ourselves essentially. And then that's where I I had like the [00:21:00] dream, the dream date ask out, I guess. Yeah. Proposal, but not for marriage, I don't know.
Yeah, yeah,
Jenn: yeah, yeah. With Greg.
Mel: Yeah. Which was like one of my main memories. My husband's now like, oh God, I'm never going to live up to that. I was like, no. No. No. And honestly, now I'd be like, oh, what are you doing? And I'd be like, it was really cheesy, but basically he went and like wrote it in the sand.
Will you go out with me when I was? And then I walked up and saw it, I think halfway through actually writing it, but it was very sweet. Yeah. My first kind of long term. Yeah, we did some funny things there.
Jenn: Like the karaoke. I was just like, I'm just looking at the, yeah, we did go to karaoke. We tried to get
Mel: into a bar, but it was like one of those ones that you were allowed into if you were a certain age, like 18, I think, or something.
Yeah. And you just got a stamp saying you couldn't drink. Yeah, but some of us couldn't, weren't 18, so we couldn't get in, but yeah,
Jenn: that [00:22:00] was fine. I was not, I was not 18. I was one of the young ones.
Mel: You were the youngin Yeah. Okay, so what do you think, what's something that you think others might not know about me?
Jenn: Oh, what might not others you can sing? I don't know. Maybe people know that, but like,
Mel: No, I
Jenn: don't know that. I think, like, for someone who's shy, like, you sang at our grad, which was, like, super brave. I, like, can't imagine doing that ever myself, so I thought, I don't know. Maybe people don't know about it, but that's a part of you that you kind of hide.
You were in choir, were you not?
Mel: I was in choir and jazz choir in high school, and I even actually won the, I don't know what it was called, some award, music award at the end. Yeah. Yeah,
Jenn: I
Mel: think you underestimate your musical abilities
Jenn: sometimes, or you
Mel: I really, and you know what? I love singing and I've always been thinking of ways to get back into that.
I really do love it. I remember singing it the summer camp I went to [00:23:00] when I was like 16. And everybody's like, whoa, like, like, cause it doesn't really, you're just surprised cause it's not the type of thing, like I don't talk about that. I don't just sing while I walk around or anything, right?
Jenn: No, you're much more reserved about that, right?
You'll talk freely about your sports, but the musical side of you, right? That you're, you're quite skilled at as well. You don't talk about as much, so. Yeah, yeah,
Mel: I really don't, but thank you for that. But who knows? One day, one day. I've been looking at community choirs around here to go with, with my daughter this one, if we could find the right time for it to be where you can go together, and it's not like, you just enjoy it, basically.
Yeah, I think,
Jenn: like, there's this creative, expressive side of you that, yeah, it's there. Wants to be unleashed. I don't know. Or reconnected with perhaps. I don't know.
Mel: Yeah. Yeah. I think there is that. You know, I used to [00:24:00] sing, I did reconnect a little bit when my first kid was born because I used to sing her to sleep like every single night.
And then The second one came when I was just too tired. I don't think I sang to them quite as much. There's one song that we did every once in a while, but yeah, no, that's a good one. That's a good one.
Awesome. Okay, so is there any questions you want to ask me, or things that you think I should talk about or tell people about?
Jenn: Yeah, I think like if you could go back to that younger self of yours in high school, I don't know which age you'd prefer. Like, what would you say to a 14 year old Mel?
Hmm,
Mel: I think that's a really good question, and I don't even know what the answer is, but I think just, like, the [00:25:00] word compassion comes to mind, like self compassion, like, You know, yes, I did all of these things, and I was pretty good at them, and I didn't have a lot of self confidence in other ways, right? And that's the part that I remember most now, right?
Because we have, you know, negativity bias. So I think, I think I would tell myself that, , It's okay that, you don't have to have 60, 20, 10 friends that you know really closely and you call up all the time. It's okay to just have that one or two that you enjoy the company of and that's totally normal.
You know, I watch my daughter now and that's the type of person she is. She doesn't want a lot of friends. She wants, like, one or two.
Jenn: I know, right? That's
Mel: great. Go for it.
Jenn: Yeah.
Mel: Yeah. So I think I'd just tell myself that like, like, that's totally normal. It's fine. Just go with that flow [00:26:00] and, and don't worry about having to know what you want to be when you grow up.
That's the other thing I would say, right?
Jenn: Like I remember stressing so much. What? What did you say? I don't even know, I don't know if you even, like, told me ever what you wanted to be when you were in high school. I had no idea what I wanted to be, but I
Mel: knew that, because, you know, we were always, we had to explore, like, especially, so I was in French immersion, so half my classes or so were in French, and I had to choose very wisely what my like, I forget what they called them.
There were certain classes you had to take, your electives, so my electives I had to choose very wisely because I didn't get very many because of the French. Yeah. So we were always thinking of what do you want to do in university? Where do you want to go to university? What do you want to learn? And it was more those questions, I suppose, less more, less like knowing exactly what job you wanted.
And I was always like, I don't, I had no clue. I had no clue. I was like, well, I'm interested in people. [00:27:00] So like psychology is the one that came to my mind, which then I had to take math four and then I, or math 12. And I quit math 12 twice, I think, because we kept going for sports and, come back and , they'd be so far ahead.
And then I asked the teacher once, I said, well, why do I need to learn this? It was some quite advanced math. Yeah. You couldn't give me a good answer. So I was like, well, then I'm not doing it. Like, I wanted a practical reason why I needed to learn this silly calculation. And my husband would now have a very strong debate with me about what that answer is, because there is one.
But at that point in time, I was very much like, I'm, and I still am, this why person, like, you gotta tell me why I'm doing this. I'm not going to do it just because you tell me to. Or my, one of my French teachers, because you weren't in the French, that, that part of me you don't know as well, but one of my French teachers, she, she said, you and your, because I have a brother and sister who, who were [00:28:00] also in her class.
Yeah. She's always like, you're family, you're always the same. I was like, what's that? Tu es tĆŖtu. And I was like, what does that mean? I had no idea. She's like, you're stubborn. I was like, yeah, I'll give you that. Yeah, I am stubborn. But she said it like it was a bad thing. And that's stuck in my head since, you know.
And I am stubborn. And now I'm like. I own that. I'm like, that's what gets me to finish things. That's what gets me to start things. That's what gets me to challenge the way that the world is and, and shouldn't stay in some ways. Yeah. So,
Jenn: okay. Anything else? Yeah. I don't know, are we talking about your, your years as a mother on here too?
Because that's like another chapter. Like we share that together now. It's such a weird way to come back together over, right? That we have, especially like we both have daughters I know you have a son too, but like this is such a different [00:29:00] way to, to know each other after having known like our youthful selves.
So, I do wonder, like, what, what's your favorite part about being a mother these days?
Mel: Oh, good question.
The thing that's coming to my mind is like kind of the double edged sword thing. So it's both the like hardest as well as the favorite part. So it's, it's seeing both my kids try something new that is scary to them. And there's lots of behaviors around that. That's where the challenge comes in. And then like, like we went rock climbing to the, to a rock climbing class today for the first time with them.
Oh, good. And they were so worried. And then, you know, I walked in, I stayed for the first half and then I left and then I walked in at the end and my littlest is up at the top of the wall. Yeah, it's like and he was so proud. I could see him looking back at the teacher [00:30:00] like making sure he's watching him, you know He's so proud of him Himself and you know, so I think like one of the best parts of motherhood is is watching your kids stretch those boundaries Realize like that they can do something that they didn't think they could before that.
I think that's that's really powerful and then the other thing I'd say is like Watching when they get along, you know, you feel like you're doing it right in those few
Jenn: seconds of a moment. There's a lot of, a lot of space for a sibling rivalry in my home. So yeah. Oh, yes. Yeah.
Mel: Yeah. Yeah, because you've got you've got four kids.
So like, you know, that's That's that's a whole nother level. I can't honestly imagine. It's for when they're international students and it just,
Jenn: like, really mixes things up, so.
Mel: Yes. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah, so there's a lot of, like, [00:31:00] there's a lot of arguments, but what I love about it is, is those moments when they're just playing so peacefully together and you're like, oh yeah, that's why, that's why I had to, like.
Yes. And they're, they're looking out for each other, you know, in those scary moments, like, they're really, like, That's right. Holding each other hand or making sure the other one's got it or yeah, yeah,
Jenn: yeah, beautiful moments. Those ones. Yeah. Yeah, really cool What's the hardest part about being a mother?
For you, I think everybody's answer would be
Mel: different to this, right? I think everybody's is a little different Mine, I've done a lot of reflection and therapy on And I still need a lot more. I was
Jenn: gonna
Mel: say that. That's one of those, like, I know it. You know, but it is, I think kids, they know how to trigger you in ways that nobody else would ever know how or dare to.
You know, and, [00:32:00] and, and, you know, my biggest trigger is that I can't help everybody. I want to help everybody. I want to meet everybody's needs at the same time. And. You can't do that. It's impossible when there's, you know, with one kid, it's very, very difficult to meet their needs, your needs, you know, whoever's around you's needs.
And then you add another kid in and that's even it's literally impossible. It's like, especially if, you know, the needs are very different. And I really struggle with that. And now that I'm so I see the importance of meeting my own needs, it's actually making that trigger more difficult because I'm like, I gotta meet my own needs now.
Okay, yeah, you know, or, yeah, I'm not I'm not as willing to like, Let those ones go and that just that that can that can be really challenging, right? so I think just like in each moment deciding [00:33:00] and Prioritizing whose needs are first. It's really really difficult and one that like gets me every single time.
Yeah Yeah, absolutely ongoing It's an
Jenn: ongoing struggle.
Mel: Yeah, and I think it's going to be a lifelong one. You know, even before kids, that's what we were doing. And as this, you know, there's a lot of cultural norms at play there. There's a lot of learning that I've had to be this people pleaser, this, you know, person who like makes sure everybody's good.
That's, that's my like life. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I've grown in to be. Right? I
Jenn: always wonder, like, are there different strategies that you've kind of adopted to prevent yourself from getting lost in all that? I know, like, as a mother, I sometimes, like, get lost in all of the, the busyness of my kids lives.
Like, it's good busyness, but, I don't know, sometimes it leaves me feeling a bit lost. I wonder if you ever have that same feeling. [00:34:00] Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. I think we
Mel: all do.
You know, sometimes we get it right. We try a strategy and it works and sometimes the exact same strategy doesn't work, you know, there's lots of my own, you know, this, this week when this podcast is coming out, there's Each of the Facebook and Instagram lives are about overwhelm and a tool we can use towards to get ourselves out of overwhelm and like reconnected so our thinking brain works again essentially.
And all of those tools are wonderful and they won't work every single time. Yeah. You know, one is practice, and two, like, each moment requires a slightly different thing, and each need, you know, I just came in from, with the kids this morning, and like, was super grumpy with my partner, and, and, And he's just like, oh, okay, like, you know, just saw you and then I was, [00:35:00] and then I messaged him after like five minutes of like shoving my face with food.
I was like, I'm sorry, I was hungry. I needed food and I needed food right now. You know, so like your needs are different in those different moments. I can, if I just try to ground my feet, like one of my favorite ones is feeling grounded, connect with your feet, what are they doing on the ground? Wiggle your toes.
That is not gonna work when I'm hungry. Yeah. Gotta be, I gotta get food in my mouth first. Yes. That's right. Yeah, totally. Yeah, but I, I think you're right. Like, I think we do all feel lost within figuring out whose needs And when and taking our kids to this sport and that sport and deciding when what's too much and they'll love this but should I actually sign them up and all those decisions that we have to make.
Jenn: Yeah. Yeah, that's such a hard one, especially when it's something they love. Mm hmm. And it's just but they've [00:36:00] they love so many things. Then at some point you have to say no, and then it's like, am I quashing something that's going to be a part of them? But it's like, also practical.
Mel: Yeah. Well, and in our life, so we made a really intentional shift in the last year of our life.
So we changed schools and, and in, in, Making that decision, we came to the conclusion that our family wanted to slow down, right? We wanted to life to feel slower. It was too, it felt too busy. It felt too fast. It felt like we weren't connecting because of that. And so I try to remember each of those decisions, but it's not easy, right?
Like, so we're like, okay, we're going to, you're each allowed to choose two extracurricular things. That's it. Two at one time. Otherwise you wait till that one's done but some of them like dance goes all year. Right? Like September to June. All school year. So like, that's one for the whole time. So if you choose the other, like, it's really difficult.
And in the [00:37:00] end, they often end up doing three. So I just give them, I'm like, yeah, as long as the other ones are short ones. Yeah. So we can just stop if we needed to. But yeah, it's a, it's a constant debate.
Jenn: Yeah.
Mel: What do you do? You mean you got four kids. How do you work out the who
Jenn: gets to do what? I can't even imagine.
I just pretty much say yes, as long as it doesn't conflict with anyone's schedules. And I intentionally bought my house, so it's very, very central.
Mel: So
Jenn: we are within carpool range for a lot of people and walking distance to both their schools. And I'm very thankful that we live right in the heart of everything because it's beautiful.
I, I, I couldn't do it otherwise as a single parent, like it'd just be impossible. So, yeah. So, yeah. So they're in a lot of things, but generally they each, they just seem to gravitate towards a couple of things that they really love and then. Mm hmm.
Mel: Yeah. And you [00:38:00] know, the phrase, like going back to the question you asked me and what's coming up for me while I listen to you is that concept of asking for help, right?
Like it's, it's so hard and it's so important. Yeah. Like, that's the strategy that we have. That's the strategy that we
Jenn: need. Yeah, absolutely. That, especially, I mean, like you said, right, when you have that kind of savior complex, right? Like, of me being a firstborn with three younger siblings, the same thing.
I was like, oh, I'm so happy to help people. But now, like, for the first time in my life, I have to ask for help all the time. And it's, I don't know. You kind of have to wrestle with yourself about what kind of biases you've had towards people who need help.
Mel: Yeah.
Jenn: And that's a tough, it's a tough thing to work through.
But it's so much better when you surround yourself with other people. To help out with your kids, like especially good, good people, right? Like good people that are going to send your kids the same messages that you want them to hear, right? [00:39:00] Like that's just, that will build them up as humans. I think the point I'm at now is just like the, the more good people surround my kids, the better.
So, yeah.
Mel: Beautiful. I feel like we could have a whole episode where you and I just talk about asking for help. So I'm going to like, I'm going to like put that little idea in my mind. Yeah. Because it's a topic that it means a lot to me and actually, and I have done an episode with me just talking, but I think a conversation about that and like, you know, the practicalities of that and the, like you say, the influences that are stories that we tell ourself about it, that sometimes they're not particularly.
helpful in the moment and how to overcome that. So. Yeah.
Jenn: Yeah. I would, I would push back against this, this narrative right now where people want to like move out to the woods and live off of the land. And it's almost like it's an isolationist look at the world as if like we're supposed to sustain ourselves independently.
And I don't think [00:40:00] that is actually the case, I think, from all of human history, we've always needed other human beings, whether we like to admit it or not.
Mel: Yes. Okay, so on that note, I needed you to come here and ask me these questions, so I wasn't quite so awkward talking about myself. Yeah, no, you did great. It's
Jenn: good for your listeners to know who you are.
Mel: So thank you for doing that. You're a cool person.
Jenn: Yeah, I always, I always thought you were so much cooler than me.
So I would say
Mel: the same
Jenn: for you. So there you
Mel: go.
Jenn: Anyway. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Jenn. Yeah, no problem.
This is the one-year anniversary week. If you are listening to this between May 12th and May 18th. So please don't forget that we have a. Uh, draw coming up. And in order to get your name put in that you [00:41:00] can. Well, we need you to like the Facebook page permission to be human co follow us on Instagram permission to be human coaching and either on Spotify or apple. Podcasts rate and review the show.
This helps me so so much. It helps all of us to get these words out there, get them into the world and helping more moms. To go out and achieve their dreams. So please do do that. And to reward you for that, you will be put into the draw for some I'm giving away two different packages of. Coaching with me, some possibility coaching totally free that you can win as well as someone will win a book of their choice off of my very colorful. And very full of good and useful information bookshelf.
Stick around and check us out at 10:00 AM. PST on those channels, Facebook and Instagram [00:42:00] for our lives, where we're going to do some really. Tangible tools that you can use to get out of overwhelm because, well, we can't dream. When we're in overwhelm.
That is it, folks. This has been Mel Findlater on Permission to Be Human, the podcast, and I am so glad that you have joined us here today and hope that you have taken away some tidbits that will help you go away, connect with your big audacious dream, and make that massive impact in the world that you are dying to make.
If you liked today's episode, please, please, please Like it, share it. Think of one person. Think of one person that you think would also like it and send it on over to them. Let's get this out there and more moms feeling like themselves. Inspired, Dreaming big and out there. Please do head on over to find me [00:43:00] on Facebook with permission to be human or Instagram or you can even Off me an email and say hello.
Have permission to be human always at gmail. com say hello and let me know that you listened. What did you like about it? I would love to hear if you didn't like it. I don't really want to know. Just kidding. You can share that if you want. I would love to know, however, who you are. Let's connect. Let's find out what you want more of.
I want to hear from you and I want to make it what would be useful to you. As always, remember that you have permission to dream big, permission to feel big, and permission to be you. You have complete and full permission to be human. For real, you [00:44:00] do.
So. Thanks for listening.
