When becoming a mother isn't as easy as you thought
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[00:00:00] Welcome to Permission to be Human, the podcast. I'm your host, Mel Finlayer, mother, coach, and curator of Permission to be Human, the company and community. If you're a mom, know a mom, or want to be a mom, and you crave getting out in the world to make a difference, then you're in the right place. This is a space for moms like you to connect with yourself, your purpose, and your big, audacious dreams.
Because when you feel your best, you can better you, your family, and the wider world. Let's do this.
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Hello? Hello. My friends. I wanted to. Introduce you today to my voice. About nine years ago and I was a different person. This is pre [00:01:00] mum voice. And I wrote this. Article blog article, I guess, but it was kind of mostly. I might, I think I put it up on medium. But also, I used to write these little letters to my unborn child and I wrote them in this, um, app. This like journal app. That keeps sending me reminders. So I've been reading them lately.
And I think this one is really important to share. And it's all about this topic. Of how becoming a mother, isn't always such a simple thing. And. For me, it definitely wasn't. I wasn't one of those moms that. Dreamed of being a hamam for my whole life. It wasn't my dual end. All. That being said, I also.
Kind of figured it would just be part of my life.
It's not something I felt like I would have to try for. So this. That [00:02:00] I'm going to read you is. Coming from that perspective and the perspective of.
MI. Pre baby. And what that felt like.
I also just want to give a little heads up that there is mention of. Miscarriage. And there is mention of IVF in this story. So if these are triggers for you and you're not feeling safe within that discussion, it's okay. You can press stop right now. I will not at all. Be offended. And if you're in a safe place and wanting to go through and listen to this, then great, please make sure that you keep yourself safe and find those people you need to support you.
So here you go.
When I was 12. I thought it was easy to get pregnant. One slip up in bed and here comes a baby. [00:03:00]
That's the scare tactics that mine and most schools seem to teach. But in reality. One in eight couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. That's from the national survey of family growth CDC. 2006 to 2010. And awareness of this is still so low. One in eight couples?
Have trouble getting pregnant. We're sustaining a pregnancy one and eight. Very few people talk about it. And this results in a couples feeling lonely, scared, and somehow wrong.
It's for this reason that I share this rather personal story with you. If even one person feels more normal as a result of reading this. That I've succeeded. My husband and I tried to get pregnant naturally for over three years before we finally approached our [00:04:00] GP. After almost a year of tests and consultations. We did our first round of IVF at Bourne hall. In November. December, 2013.
To some extent. It was a success in that we got pregnant. With the unfortunate result of a miscarriage at nine weeks. As you can imagine we were devastated. One day. I'll tell you more about that story, but for now I focus on round two. The mission. Magic science, baby round two, ding, ding, ding.
Just over six months ago in December, 2013. For extra high quality embryos were created during our first round of IVF. And frozen at day five. Blastocyst stage. Yesterday, the aim was to have two thawed and transferred into my womb. It's such a weird thought to know that these little guys were conceived over six months ago. But are only [00:05:00] five days old. Ironically, it was also Canada day.
So if at least one of our embryos take, then they were thought back to life on the birthday of their country. Even if they were conceived in the UK. I find great joy in this little fact. Makes me feel a little less far from home. Side note, I lived in the UK at the time. And if you haven't figured that out, And I'm from Canada.
Another daunting and weird thought. Two embryos. Equals a much higher probability of twins. With frozen rounds they always put into, as the success rate is lower with thought embryos. Two embryos means same success rate as other IVF cycles. Uh, my husband and I get through the fears associated with this by referring to our future babies as the quads, an unlikely thought that is so terrifying that it's humorous or at least it was to us. Yesterday.
I woke [00:06:00] up more anxious than I thought I would be. I had to wait until lunchtime to call and check on the thawing process. So I distracted myself with a nice brunch made by my kind husband. I went for a walk. I did the laundry, knowing that in a few hours, I wouldn't be able to carry it all down the stairs due to its weight. Finally I made the call. Everything is fine.
And we're all set to go ahead with all the nurse could say. She couldn't tell me how the fine went. Just that it was successful enough to go ahead with, I felt some relief and mostly disbelief. I wanted to know the full results. My distrust in the system had be doubting that the nurse was reading the right thing. But by now. I should be used to the constant waiting that happens with IVF.
So I waited. Finally two 15 arrived. And we were at Bourne hall. Ready for the small procedure. Something must have happened that morning, which set the schedule back because the nurses were rushing about much more quickly than the speed I'm used to seeing them in. I felt for them as they [00:07:00] quickly tried to accommodate everyone's needs. Uh, grin to myself as a father to be ask the nurse how long she should wait.
Because his wife was very much in need of a, we. You see, in order to have the ultrasound work the best for the procedure. You have to come with a full bladder. Delays equals bursting woman. Well, I saw humor in this very real situation. I hoped that I would not be the same in a few minutes time having to wait in longer than I anticipated. One hour later, I was crossing my legs in the Ikea furniture, filled waiting room. Just hoping that when they poked and prodded me, I wouldn't burst all over the poor consultants face.
It really would have been a rather unfortunate. And embarrassing event. Finally, we entered the procedure room and spoke to the consultant and the embryologist. It turns out. Three embryos were thawed to survived. It was such a matter of fact thing for the embryologist to share. I try not to [00:08:00] think about the sadness tugging at my heart for the one we lost. So I focused on the successful ones and not allowing my bladder to burst. Seriously, I couldn't ask questions because there was no time. Get me on that chair. In a matter of minutes, it was over. If you're about to go through this, I can assure you that is no more painful than your yearly check.
It's quick. You see a catheter enter a quick flash on the screen and you're done. The worst of it was the nurse does an external ultrasound pushing on my very full bladder. The funniest bit is when they take the catheter back to another room and check it under a microscope to make sure everything's out clear. They yell from the other room. Well, thank goodness for that. I can only hope that the little embryos went in me and weren't dropped on the floor. Finally the wait is over.
I'm encouraged to go to the bathroom and assured that I won't, we, everything out that they just put in. I irrationally do not believe them, but really my body gave me no choice.[00:09:00]
A few minutes later, we were on the road, my feet up on the debt front dashboard. Instructing my husband to go very, very slowly over the bumps. There's really no rational reason to put my feet up, but sometimes. It's difficult to be rational in these situations. I figured I was holding everything in. So now it's back to the waiting. More waiting in 10 days time, I'll take a pregnancy test. If it's positive way to, we can take another.
If that's positive, wait three weeks. Get an ultrasound. Wait, wait. Wait. And cross my legs and hope. It's the next day now. And I'm already analyzing my slight stomach ache and constant need to wee this is going to be a long wait.
So. That's an article that I wrote. Before my first child and I wanted to share it with you because. This is the reality of so many people's lives. And I was absolutely blessed because I lived in the UK at the time.
I happen to live [00:10:00] in the exact county that had three rounds free of IVF, which is unheard of now, even there, and especially unheard of, uh, where I lived in Canada. And. I was successful. My first round. Yes, I had a miscarriage. It was horrific. Perhaps another time I'll share. Uh, journal entry that I wrote about that.
But. The next round after. Really not even getting over the grief of the first. We put in those frozen ones. And now I have my little frozen embryo baby. Now my magic science baby she's alive. Well, and almost nine years old. And I love her to bits. Ironically, her name means snow. And she knows about this journey.
It's an important one that I feel like she should know. That she was frozen for five plus months. And how amazing is that?
But it [00:11:00] wasn't an easy journey and I wanted to share it because it's not talked about very often. So often these things, miscarriages IVF, struggling to get pregnant. They're swept under the rug. We hide them away. We're shamed.
And we don't need to be. This is very, very. I don't know if normal is the right word, but it happens a lot, a lot more than we think it does. And we are not alone in this. This journey. And I was very lucky that my second then. I wasn't IVF. He was kind of a little surprise, baby.
And IVF.
It's quite the journey. I got to go to this beautiful place. Bourn hall is the place that IVF was literally born.
It's the first place that a baby was born through IVF. In fact, I remember when we were first going through it, there was a birthday party for the first [00:12:00] baby ever born through IVF. I can't remember exactly what her name is right now, but it was so amazing too. Have the privilege of being in the place where this had happened.
I think she was turning 40 or 50. I can't remember exactly which. And I remember thinking, wow, if anybody can do this, they're the ones that can help.
And it was still scary. And it was still lonely. And it left me in this place where all I thought about was this mission of getting pregnant. When, like I said earlier, it's not the thing that was always on my mind before that. I just kind of figured it what happened. Aye. Didn't really think about it very much.
It would just be something that happens alongside me doing all the other dreams and things in my life. As we know. Motherhood is not like that at all. It is all encompassing and we can still do many other things in our life at the appropriate [00:13:00] seasons. And the times that work for us.
But, yeah, I just wanted to share that story with you and perhaps you or someone, you know, is going through something similar. And just know that you're not alone. And.
It was light on the other side, if you are lucky enough for it to work for you. That is so incredible. If you were going through this right now. You are such a warrior. It is hard stuff. I read those words and I think no wonder. I live with anxiety. Because and my child, actually, those born lives anxiety. 'cause that was a hard. Hard time. And yet here I am. Out the other side and I definitely still have up ups and downs and all arounds and. I'm here. And my kid is here and I get to be a mother. And I [00:14:00] feel for those who. Even IVF or whatever other rollercoaster of events has happened for you. It's not there yet. No that. You're not alone on that either.
I have friends who that is the case too. And.
I feel for you, I feel for, and, and then with you, and just know that you are not the only one out there going through this. If anything. I can give you is to not feel so alone in it. So thank you for listening to my little story. And I hope.
You got a little tidbit of something. From that.
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That is it, folks. This has been Mel Finlayder on Permission to Be Human, the podcast, and I am so glad that you have joined us here today and hope that you have taken away some tidbits that will help you go away, [00:15:00] connect with your big audacious dream, and make that massive impact in the world that you are dying to make.
If you liked today's episode, please, please, please Like it, share it, think of one person, think of one person that you think would also like it and Send it on over to them. Let's get this out there and more moms feeling like themselves inspired Dreaming big and out there being them. Please do head on over to find me on Facebook with permission to be human or Instagram or you can even Off me an email and say hello.
Have permission to be human, always, at gmail. com. Say hello and let me know that you listened. What did you like about it? I would love to hear. If you didn't like it, I don't really want to know. Just kidding, you can share that if you want. I would love to know, however. who [00:16:00] you are. Let's connect. Let's find out what you want more of.
I want to hear from you and I want to make it what would be useful to you. As always, remember that you have permission to dream big, permission to feel big, and permission to be you. You have complete and full permission to be human. For real. You do.
