Why self care is about the spa but oh so much more
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Welcome to Permission to be Human, the podcast. I'm your host, Mel Finlayer, mother, coach, and curator of Permission to be Human, the company and community. If you're a mom, know a mom, or want to be a mom, and you crave getting out in the world to make a difference, then you're in the right place. This is a space for moms like you to connect with yourself, your purpose, and your big, audacious dreams.
Because when you feel your best, you can better you, your family, and the wider world. Let's do this.
Hello, my podcast or people. I am. Chatting to you today about self care. And the reason being that I found it really fascinating that one of my most popular posts. In my podcast is the one that has self care in the title. And I don't know why that [00:01:00] surprised me. Because as mothers,
we struggle with self care sometimes. Right. But self care is more than the spa dates and the bubble bass and wine with friends. These are definitely some ways to unwind and definitely ways to reset our regulatory system, which is necessary.
But they also require a good chunk of time. And.
They are often used as the only methods of self care. Right. We see them as the only option. And then we do them. What, once a year, I go to the spa with my friends once a year. And if that was all I did. I would not be doing enough self care in my life.
And so they don't work as well as we hope because. We're not doing the deep work, right. They're not going to last for that long afterwards. But do do them. [00:02:00] And we're going to talk about why spas and saunas and hot tubs and wine with your friends do work. They are self care. And self care is about so much more.
It's about self-awareness. , self-compassion. Self-development.
It's about learning to check in with yourself. To notice what's going on in your body and in your mind. To name the emotions that it's bringing about and to figure out what you want to do. With those emotions. And as our last guests that we had on the podcast says, Linda grew back in her book. We need to notice name and navigate. So notice the feelings. Name them. And then figure out how to navigate through them.
What options do you have?
So having above there. So having a bubble bath can be an incredible break. From the overstimulation. That comes with motherhood [00:03:00] and comes with life. It might be exactly what you need. So please go do it. If that's where you're at. And there's some deeper work to be done here. If we really, and truly want to feel cared for.
Self care is about knowing you. It's about having boundaries and holding yourself to them. It's about putting yourself first in the smallest and the biggest moments. So that you're better able to support those. You love.
It's about doing the work to heal those past traumas. And recognizing your triggers. Get a counselor. I have one. It's nothing to be ashamed of. We need to work through our past big T and small T traumas. In order to be our best self.
It's about giving yourself permission to feel. Giving yourself permission to dream. It's about taking the smallest of [00:04:00] moments. To breathe, feel dream, explore. Do. It's about knowing that you are not alone. It's about senior incredible gifts and strengths that you have to give this world. It's about seeing your own worth because you are worthy. Of everything. Of the life of your dreams, even when things get hard. Of love. Of compassion.
So why hasn't your yearly spa visit?
If you've managed to even do that made you any happier throughout the year. Because it's temporarily solved the issue of overwhelm or overstimulation. But it's missing the deeper work. So, what can you do instead?
Like I already said to get a therapist and work through those traumas. There's the big T ones. And then there's the small T ones. If you feel like you don't have trauma in your. Your life. You're probably thinking of the big T ones, but there are [00:05:00] small ones that are things that have happened to us. That. Make us who we are now. And that aren't always serving us. Hire a coach and let yourself explore, dream and get unstuck.
And. Learn. Learn as much as you can listen to podcasts, which, Hey, check, you're already doing that. You're doing it right now. But don't only listen to mine, do listen to my, but not wholly mine. Find ones that inspire you that make you reflect and think about you. And your family and the world. Make it part of your daily routine in the car or the bathroom or making breakfast or dinner?
Read books, or if you prefer listen to audio books, I do that in the car often. That are science backed and help you reflect on you and your interests. Connect. Take time each day to reach out to someone, you know, And chat with them or [00:06:00] write to them or text them or send them a voice message. Book in coffee dates, even if you need to bring your kids along. But regular 10 minute catch-ups if that's all the time you have. Or more, if you can book date nights with yourself. Even if that's. Down on the sofa without Netflix on.
And take the time to explore your purpose.
Dig down deep. It's in there. Help yourself. Notice how much you matter. Because you do.
Move your body. In whatever way. You feel you like to do. Get outside and notice nature. And start to name. What's good. What's good. In this moment. What's good in your day. What's good in your week. In your month and your year. Uh, none of this is easy. Well, there's simple concepts and simple ideas. They [00:07:00] are difficult and execution.
Creating new habits is difficult. It is the work. To go deeper than the bubble bath is hard and you may resist it and that's okay. Just keep trying to do small, tangible ways. To stop, notice, name and navigate. Slow down. Breakfast can wait. The two minutes, it takes to take a breath. And reflect. On what is happening inside you?
So that's the deep work of knowing ourselves.
And I've been doing a lot of this for myself in the last few years. And one of the things or directions that has led me in is in reading the book. I have both the book and the audio version actually. Of sensitive by Jen Gradman and Andre solo.
And it's all over this concept of highly sensitive people. And I find it absolutely fascinating. And while I may have picked it up for. The [00:08:00] idea with my daughter or Anson, actually both of my kids in my mind. To see what I thought about it. I am. Finding it incredibly interesting from my perspective.
I am a highly sensitive person. And it's my superpower. And it comes with its challenges. And for me, that's, especially in the sensory overload area.
So I remember in university when. My friends would have. I had, I was in a house with like four other people and my friends would have a party. And. They would turn the volume. Uh, hunt the music up. And I would constantly walk over and turn it down. And I remember thinking in my mind that one, it was like physically hurting my body to hear it that loud. And two, it was, I was overstimulated [00:09:00] by the idea that the neighbors might hear it. Has everybody else to hear okay with it.
And I was always extremely aware of the people around me. And that comes with my very high sense of empathy. That is a sensitive person. I noticed how everyone in a room is feeling, and that can be both amazing and super overwhelming depending on the emotions in the room.
And another sign that I am a highly sensitive person is that I really crave depth and I bore of superficial small talk super quickly. So I'm not the one that needs to have a hundred friends that. We talk, you know, Superficially every once in awhile, I'm more the person that like would just have a few that I would happily have deep, meaningful. Conversations about the world and wellbeing with. Right.
/ [00:10:00] And so the reason I bring this book up and this concept of being highly sensitive, It's because apparently the research says that 30% of the world is highly sensitive. And. Therefore, this one is in fact, the full title of the book is the hidden power of the highly sensitive person in allowed fast to much world. Sensitive. And I just love that so much because it's really looking at the superpowers that are being sensitive.
I am who I am because of this. And it's. Enables me to do so many incredible things and to feel so many incredible things. And it talks all about that in the book. But in the concept. Of self care. The reason I bring it up. Is because as moms we have. Uh, Motherload of responsibilities and things to think of and be responsible.
We're screamed at.
[00:11:00] Or around. More than anyone in any other job I can think of.
Like it's often loud. Around me, right. And they're often feels like there's no escape. Or a place to walk away to. When you were momming. Right. And so often our needs are put last by both us, our family and society.
So, whether you're considering yourself a highly sensitive person, Or not. This concept of being overstimulated and having sensory overwhelm, I think is also common in our world of motherhood.
So I thought I'd talk you through. A really important concept. That they speak of in this book sensitive. And they talk about this world. Renowned clinical psychologist called Paul Gilbert and [00:12:00] he speaks of three basic systems that we have as humans. We have drive. Threat and sooth. So threat is there to protect us and keep us alive. So it's in constantly saying. Better safe than sorry.
Right? But it can also go into overdrive and perceive threats from anything unknown. And that's where a lot of our anxiety and worry can come into play, especially in motherhood and especially in the world today, honestly, after COVID. Another system is called drive. So drive is when we're doing, we feel productive, we're achieving something.
We get those amazing doses of dopamine, where we have joy and pleasure. And in our world of do, do do. We are in this space a lot as well. But the thing is that we tend to be happy is when we can keep these two in check. But according to the book sensitive, most of us tend to spend the [00:13:00] majority of our time in these two systems of threat. And drive.
And. This can contribute to the feelings of overstimulation that sensitive people face. And I would argue that. Many people in the world face. Whether we identify as sensitive or not. If we're hanging out in that space of drive and threat. All the time. Then we're skipping the third system. Which is sued. Sued is the antidote to overstimulation. It switches on when there's no threat to defend against and no goal to chase.
It teaches us to relax and slow down and enjoy the present moment.
And when we're in sooth.
We are simply calm.
So, this is why. Getting a massage, having a nice bubble bath, having a spot with [00:14:00] your friends or even alone feels so good. Perhaps, those are the moments when you get yourself into. Suze.
And he might not have been there for quite a while. You might've been hanging out and threatened drive. Far too much.
So we're in Sue that the spa. And then we come home. We find it hard to connect back with that feeling of sous. So what's the lesson here. The lesson is that we need to find a way to get into sooth more regularly. It doesn't have to take a spa. Though that is a very delightful way to do it. But most of us don't have the time. Or space or money in our lives to go out. You know, Once a week to the spa. So, what could it look like? What [00:15:00] could getting into smooth. Not smooth. If you can get into smooth if you want, but I met Sue what can get in to sooth look like. Much, like I said earlier, it's about noticing. Noticing early.
How you're feeling. Check in with your body regularly. And become aware of any feelings that you're having around maybe worry or anger or overstimulations notice some early. And check in with your body. How are you feeling right now?
And when you have feelings. The beginning stages of this overstimulation or these feeling. Beginning stages of the feelings of worry or anger or sadness or.
Those emotions that we get as humans and server purpose. And yet.
Can they serve a purpose because they're telling us something right. So if we notice them early, [00:16:00] What does your body feel like?
When you're worried, you know, when I. Am I anxious. The first few years when I started to notice it. And before I could even put a word on it, I had a stomach ache and I was like, why does my stomach hurt so much? I was like, oh, I'm anxious about something. And my body told me before my mind had even caught up about whatever it was.
Now, I'm much more in tune. And I noticed the stomach where I noticed the thought, or I noticed that. Tightness in my chest before I get to that point. Sometimes. It's more often than I did before. Well, maybe your jaw gets sore. Or maybe you're antsy and wanting to move.
So notice what your body is. And even better check in with yourself multiple times a day. To see how you're feeling in your mind, your body, your heart, your soul. If you want to go there. How are you feeling? Ask yourself that question. Just take a moment. [00:17:00]
And what is your body telling you to do so notice it name it. And then think through what it's telling you to do now. Go do it. Even if that means turning away. And breathing for 30 seconds, we're taking a quick break in the bathroom. Or taking more, give yourself permission to take the brain break. Now in the early stages of overstimulation.
And I really love this next section of the book sensitive, and I strongly encourage you to read this book, even if. You don't think you're a highly sensitive person. Chances are someone around you is, but also I think a lot of the stuff they're talking about would really benefit. The wider world. And everything I've just been saying included in that.
So in this section, it talks about giving yourself calming sensory input. So. [00:18:00] It's a physical reaction to feel overstimulated. It's a physical reaction to feel worried. It is a physical response, right? So what one thing that they suggest you do is that you disrupt the body's physical response with another physical response.
So having resistance against your body somehow, so leaning your back against a wall. And pushing. Doing little pushups on the counter laying flat on the floor. Giving yourself a really tight hug. Kayna hug from someone else, perhaps your CA perhaps your kid.
They call it proprioceptive input. And it's apparently the most calming type of sensory input. It says Glarus. And the scientist. And the cool thing is, is that we can do this anytime without any other people even noticing. Right. You can lean against a wall. And people won't think too much of it.
You could even just push your [00:19:00] hands together. Right. And it only takes a moment.
So as I reflect upon what I do naturally, I realized that it's so much of this. I lay on the floor and I have, for years before I even started thinking or looking at any of this stuff, I love laying flat. For a few moments. In fact. I remember when I got pregnant, I was so nervous cause. I had been told that you're not mentally flat on your back after a certain stage.
And I was like, but, but that's my, that's my thing.
I found other ways to do it.
I also, I use a foam roller. Because my back gets sore, but also I really liked that pressure on my back, going up and down. I lay in a hammock. I used to have one that sat in my office here. I have a bike on one side and I had atomic on the other. And now I want the space to lay down. So my hammock lives beside my bed. In my [00:20:00] bedroom. In the winter and it lives out on the little patio outside my office door here in the summer, but I love it.
And the hammock is like a hug. Right. Is it like those sensory swings that you can get? Which is doing this exact same thing. And there's plenty of other suggestions in the book. So I do recommend you check it out. It's sensitive by Jen Grandman and Andre solo.
But the point of all of this is that self care is going to the spa, having a bath, doing what you need to get into that soothe. Mode.
And it has also seen a counselor because trauma can affect your body's ability to enter sooth. It is sent setting boundaries on your time and energy. It is planning for slow, quick breaks frequently. It is checking in with yourself frequently. It is. Digging deep and learning about yourself. The self care that works longterm is the self care that we do frequently. [00:21:00]
And that's it. And I'm curious if you found a form of, of frequent self care. That works for you, and I'd love to hear about it. So you can message me on permission to be human on Facebook. Thanks a lot.
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That is it, folks. This has been Mel Findlater on Permission to Be Human, the podcast, and I am so glad that you have joined us here today and hope that you have taken away some tidbits that will help you go away, connect with your big audacious dream, and make that massive impact in the world that you are dying to make.
If you liked today's episode, please, please, please Like it, share it, think of one person, think of one person that you think would also like it and Send it on over to them. Let's get this out there and more moms feeling like themselves inspired Dreaming big and out there being them. [00:22:00] Please do head on over to find me on Facebook with permission to be human or Instagram or you can even Off me an email and say hello.
Have permission to be human, always, at gmail. com. Say hello and let me know that you listened. What did you like about it? I would love to hear. If you didn't like it, I don't really want to know. Just kidding, you can share that if you want. I would love to know, however. who you are. Let's connect. Let's find out what you want more of.
Yes, this is a newer podcast, so I want to hear from you and I want to make it what would be useful to you. As always, remember that you have permission to dream big, permission to feel big, and permission to be you. You have complete and full permission to be human. For [00:23:00] real. You do.
