Episode 33 - why I left my toddler with her dad for a week and maybe you should too
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[00:00:00] Welcome to Permission to be Human, the podcast. I'm your host, Mel Findlater, mother, coach, and curator of Permission to be Human, the company and community. If you're a mom, know a mom, or want to be a mom, and you crave getting out in the world to make a difference, then you're in the right place. This is a space for moms like you to connect with yourself, your purpose, and your big, audacious dreams.
Because when you feel your best, you can better you, your family, and the wider world. Let's do this.
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Today's episode is going to be a little different. I'd like to read you a blog article that I made almost six years ago. When my daughter was only two and a half years old, that's my oldest daughter. And I was really in the mix of it all. I was in those toddler years. And I had [00:01:00] never been away from my daughter every single day. Even every single hour.
I'm pretty sure I had been with my daughter. Until she was two and a half, and that is not what I recommend by the way. And yet that's what I felt like we needed at that time. But what it did is it got me to this space where I really needed. To have time for me to figure out who I was. And to feel responsible for me. And me only. And I've actually done many things like this since this time. Of the podcasts that I'm reading. And I highly recommend it.
So.
This is for the mums who are still in the mix of it. And.
I hope it helps you see. That you're not alone in some of the concerns that you have and the feelings more so that you have around. Each day. Around some [00:02:00] of the resentment or the. Confusion and the, how could I, how could I possibly want to be away from my kids so much, and yet also not want to be away from my kid all at the same time. Those are very confusing and confusing thoughts and emotions. And it's also for the mums who have been through the stage of toddlerhood and are beyond it now.
And I talk to you a little bit more after reading this blog post, it is on medium. If you fancy the written version, though, you can read the transcript of this as well. But it is called why I left my toddler with her dad for a week. And perhaps you should too. So a super controversial title, but it actually has like, at least for me, a lot of, a lot of hits on there. Uh, 409 claps.
I'm like, Ooh, that's pretty awesome. And. I think that was probably one of the first blog posts I ever wrote. Humorously. So here it is. Bear in mind that my [00:03:00] kids are now eight and five. So this is me a few years back speaking in that voice.
/ Why I left my toddler with her dad for a week. And perhaps you should too.
/ Recently, I took the plunge, packed my bags, hopped on a plane and left my two and a half year old daughter at home with her dad for a week. Well, I went to an adult summer camp and that promised to help me live a good life. I had never even left her overnight. This was big. There's lots of reflecting and learnings to share, but today. I focus on why I packed my bags. And why I think that every parent needs to find their own way to get away to.
So why did I do it?
The short answer is because I needed to know that I could. I am a free spirit seeking new experiences and challenges. Always looking to take the unmarked path on a trail, just to see where it goes. I [00:04:00] realized that I felt stuck in parenthood. And that it wasn't making any of us happy. I was frustrated. My relationship with my husband was stretched.
As I inadvertently blamed him for my stuckness. And I was counting the minutes to nap time each day. So I'd get time to myself. I like to think my daughter didn't notice. But she probably did.
MoTherhood is a f*ck load. Of contradicting emotions. I want time to myself, but never want to leave my daughter's side. I love being a mum. And miss knowing who else I am. I both love my life and feel stuck. This likely won't change anytime soon. So I figured it was time to try something different. The moment I walked through security in the airport. After hugging my daughter and husband goodbye. I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness. But it was fear. [00:05:00] I watched, as my thoughts went from, will they be okay to. But who am I without them? And it was then as that fear trembled through my body. That I knew I had made the right decision.
I needed space to rediscover who I am. Only a small ask from a week away. But it delivered.
Being a parent is both so incredibly amazing and so incredibly difficult. We get so little time to ourselves, especially in those first few years. That is easy to lose ourselves. When was the last time you got to shower in peace. Or sat down. And read a book without falling asleep, one page in because you're so exhausted. Now that the little ones are finally asleep. Without the time for these small luxuries. We certainly, aren't going to find the time or energy for reflection, mindfulness, journaling, [00:06:00] yoga, taking a class. Whatever it is that will help us grow as a person. Here's the thing though. Without the space for growth. We suffer. And so to those around us, For me. I knew the quickest way to remembering who I am was to stick myself in the middle of an incredibly loving community. Where I could experiment with being anybody I felt like in the moment. And they would fully support me. Camp good life project gave me that space and constantly challenged me to reflect. Think explore and learn about myself. I went with, uh, see what happens, attitude and chose workshops. Which were lighthearted and exploratory like art, yoga, meditation. And wonder. Instead of the more work-focused ones that an earlier meat might've chosen. I was encouraged to constantly think what if. Which led to things like singing in the talent show through to choosing [00:07:00] naps over schedules.
Did I figure out who I am. Surprisingly. I did, or I remembered at least I attended a workshop on wonder where we were encouraged to think of a time in childhood when we felt a pure sense of wonder. To write down three words describing that child, and then to be that child for two minutes. How freeing it was.
My words were curious, playful and rebellious.
It was then that I realized or more remembered that this is me and all I need to be. I am those three words, curious. Playful and rebellious. I can now lead my life, asking myself. What if I was curious, playful and rebellious in this moment. And then going out and doing it.
The great thing. Is that those three words are who I want to be. Uh, both as a parent and in the rest of my life. They are the same. [00:08:00] Ping.
So. Do you need to run away for a week to pay for a camp or hop on an airplane? Maybe, maybe not, but either way as a parent, you do need to create space for yourself to be. To grow and to develop.
What I've gotten the same realization through a different type of escape, maybe. WE are so lucky to have these little ones. And the opportunity for growth that they present us with, but the growing part won't happen, at least not peacefully without giving it and yourselves. Space. So, how do you give yourself space each day? Each week. Each month. Each year. What are your small ways to reclaim that space? Or. Your big dreams of space. And what's stopping you. What will happen if you do it? And then at the end of the day, I thought to myself, Nobody will [00:09:00] die if I go away for a week. And actually. It's a gift to my daughter to get to know her dad better.
And for him to. Whether it's a loving partner, a friend or another family member
who can you ask to help in order to give you the space? You need to grow. So that. Was me. About six years ago. And what a difference time has made. And I'll let you in on a little secret that I didn't share with the world. At that time, when I went to that camp, I was actually pregnant with my second child in super early days. Nobody else would have known unless I told them. And when I booked that camp, it was before I knew.
And I'm almost was like, no, I'm so exhausted. I can't go and do it. But do you know what. I am so, so glad that I did. Because that was the time. That was the moment. That I got. To give myself. [00:10:00] Right. I got to experience what it was like to be. Me and only responsible for me. For a short period of time.
And it's really interesting to read this back. This many years later, see you. Because. Aye. Believe all of those things still. And the way that I describe things in that. Blog that I just read you is different than I am now. So do you know that life changes, right? So you, if you are a parent who is still currently in those toddler years, know that things shift.
If you take the time to help them. And actually they're going to shift no matter what. But it'll be a lot more peaceful if you take the time to.
I
have time to yourself. I know you don't need to go off to New York to a week away camp. Although I love summer cabin. I highly recommend. [00:11:00] Do we have anything of a sort. But even an hour, can you get an hour that is time for you? That doesn't necessarily involve you going to a grocery store. We're doing something that's another responsibility of yours. But instead. Time for you to just be you and reflect and journal and think. And surround yourself with other people for goodness sake, community is where it's at. Right.
I could have gone to just by myself, into the woods, I suppose, for a week. And I would've gotten something from that. But it's in surrounding myself with other people and putting myself in a situation where it was scary. Like not only did I not know who I was. At that point. That's how I felt, but I was entering a space where I didn't know a single other person. And I'm pretty introverted.
Well, you might not believe that I'm talking on a podcast. I'm also talking to myself in a room right now. Right. And [00:12:00] it's exhausting to me to go and meet that many new people all in the same space at the same time. But it was exactly what I needed was to stretch my comfort zone again. In a different way than my kid stretched my comfort zone.
So that was my life in the motherhood.
And since I've had another child, so about, you know, six, seven months after that I had another child. And my life completely changed again. Right. And I actually wrote another article. That I'm not even sure if I ever posted, but it was a follow on from this one, which was something to the extent of. Y you might not want to leave your kid for a week. And I could list so many reasons. And some of them are super practical.
Like you can't go away for a week if. So before my daughter was two and a half. Uh, in order to go away, I decided to stop nursing. My daughter. I decided it was time. [00:13:00] It wasn't because I was going away, but it was time and I was pregnant with another child. And that was like, excruciating. If you've ever experienced that before. While you're pregnant and.
We finished that. So that I could go away for a week and now I look back and I'm like, I could have started that up again when I came back. But it actually just set the. Set the scene there. But before that, I wasn't ready to give that up. My daughter would not take a bottle. No, you don't have to nurse if that's what you do until they're two and a half, but that was the relationship we had.
And that was how she got comfort. And. Nutrition and everything else. So. That's one of the reasons you might choose not to go away for a week and that's okay. That's okay. But can you go away for a day? Or a night.
And I'd like to point out what it gave to my. Husband. Like my [00:14:00] daughter's father. He.
Had to figure out how to father. In a more intense way. Right. So he was the typical at that time to the typical. You know, nine to seven worker, to be honest. And I didn't even know when he was coming home sometimes. So I was very much the caregiver before this. And after that, to be honest, So this gave him an opportunity to really experience what parenting is when he's there making his decisions the way he wants to do it.
And it also helped me to know that he was learning what that was like. Right. That little sense of resentment that I feel so much. Or I felt at the time, so much shame around having for him not understanding how exhausting it is. To do so much and yet, so little, all at the same time.
[00:15:00] So this episode is for those of you who are still in.
The crux of those younger years, when you simply.
Have a really hard time to make space for yourself. And well, we need to do that. Daily.
It's also important to take an in depth time for yourself. And. Don't over plan it. Give yourself. Space to explore who you are. Again, reconnect with that person.
And for those of you. Who like me, or a little bit further on than this now. I hope this reflection gave you.
It kind of grace and gratefulness for. What life has turned into now. It's still hard. It's [00:16:00] still hard to parent an eight and five-year-old, which is what my kids are now.
And yet I have that little bit of space to start exploring me again. And a lot of the people I work with are in this space. Right. So what do you do with that space? Right. So for you listening, who are no longer in the toddler years, but a little bit further on. And you feel the same sense of who the heck am I now? Because you have space.
And perhaps. You forgot to give it to yourself or really had a lot of things getting in the way. During the. Crux of it all. Of the toddler years. Now you have the space. So now what. And that's a lot of the work we're going to be doing on this podcast in helping you figure out who you are. Again. This new version of yourself combined with an old one. And what your purpose is and what impact do you want to make in the world?
So thank you for listening [00:17:00] and tapping into the old me. Combined with a new me. And we'll speak to you soon.
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That is it, folks. This has been Mel Findlater on Permission to Be Human, the podcast, and I am so glad that you have joined us here today and hope that you have taken away some tidbits that will help you go away, connect with your big audacious dream, and make that massive impact in the world that you are dying to make.
If you liked today's episode, please, please, please Like it, share it, think of one person, think of one person that you think would also like it and Send it on over to them. Let's get this out there and more moms feeling like themselves inspired Dreaming big and out there being them. Please do head on over to find me on Facebook with permission to be human or [00:18:00] Instagram or you can even Off me an email and say hello.
Have permission to be human, always, at gmail. com. Say hello and let me know that you listened. What did you like about it? I would love to hear. If you didn't like it, I don't really want to know. Just kidding, you can share that if you want. I would love to know, however. who you are. Let's connect. Let's find out what you want more of.
Yes, this is a newer podcast, so I want to hear from you and I want to make it what would be useful to you. As always, remember that you have permission to dream big, permission to feel big, and permission to be you. You have complete and full permission to be human. For real. You do.[00:19:00]
