Episode 32 - how to stay calm at trigger induces family get togethers
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Welcome to Permission to be Human, the podcast. I'm your host, Mel Finlayer, mother, coach, and curator of Permission to be Human, the company and community. If you're a mom, know a mom, or want to be a mom, and you crave getting out in the world to make a difference, then you're in the right place. This is a space for moms like you to connect with yourself, your purpose, and your big, audacious dreams.
Because when you feel your best, you can better you, your family, and the wider world. Let's do this.
It's the most wonderful time of the year. Right? We all know the song.
And. I have this memory recently, we went on a Christmas train for my little guy, Sebastian and my daughter and [00:01:00] the grandparents. And Sebastian's five years old and he was sitting on his Papa's lap and. This song played on the train. As we road it around and looked at the Christmas lights. And he turns to his Papa and says,
It really is the most wonderful time of the year. With just such innocence and joy, right. There's so much potential for this to be the most wonderful time of the year. But. No pressure. Right. As a mom, we can go into this wanting to make everything perfect. Wanting to create that feeling on Christmas morning, where your children wake up. And.
Are so full of joy and excitement. We want to create that. We want to have that family gathering, where everyone comes together and shares their love. Not their frustrations and stress. But here's the reality. [00:02:00]
This festive season, this whole concept of giving, getting everybody together, it can be really overwhelming and anxiety provoking, and it can also bring up grief from other things that have happened in the season, in the past or people who aren't here with you now. It can be. Really hard. No, I'm talking about the festive season. And I'll put it out there that I celebrate Christmas and I realized that not everybody listening to this does. I'm going to speak to it from the context of my life. But you do you celebrate in whatever way you want to celebrate and for the things that you believe and celebrate. You can use what we're talking about today in any large family gathering or frankly, any day of your life. And this concept.
Is the same. In the sense that. These family gatherings and these things that we attach [00:03:00] expectations to, they can bring up some really big emotions that aren't always very helpful in the moment. Or at least we don't think they are. So translate it to the gathering of your choice. One with expectations and one with traditions, we all have them. So for me, it's Christmas.
So, how do we make this the most wonderful time of the year without pulling out all our hair? Or being reactive to others because we're stressed or hiding away all of our feelings and emotions and then becoming ill because of it. Today's episode is exactly about this.
/ We're going to look at. What the stresses are. In these gatherings. And at Christmas and other times like this, and we're going to dig into. Tangible actions that you can take in order to. Manage the stress as it comes.
So first. Let's [00:04:00] acknowledge that this can be hard. That's your first step. That you're still human, even at Christmas.
And it's not going to be perfect. Perhaps it'll be perfectly imperfect though. You have permission to be human. And all the feelings and emotions are still there. Even at this time of year.
Next I'm going to teach you a really specific tool. That will help you reflect upon what, what is really making you feel stressed? And surprise. It's not likely to be what you actually think it is.
So we're going to go into the real-time resilience model. And this is by arriving. In 2008 and his work. So the first thing that you really need to know is that the way that our brain works. Means that if we are stressed, And if we have very large feelings, Our brain is not going to work. You will not [00:05:00] speak rep speak or think rationally. And therefore you're not going to act rationally. So the first thing we really need to do, if we feel ourselves getting all revved out, but up about something. Is get calm first.
So I'm sure you have your own techniques. But we can all. Deal with a little bit more of this, right. And so here's some things you could do. So you probably heard this one before. Take some deep breaths. Slow down. Breathe in through your nose. Like five seconds. Hold it for seven. Out for eight. Or whatever amount of seconds works for you, but really focus on that breath. And if that is just not working right away, then you're probably just not ready.
You're not there yet. Right. So take one breath. And then let's do some destruction work. So. One way could be to count backwards by 100. By seven. [00:06:00]
Now that is hard on purpose. Right. I don't even know if I'll get that all the numbers right in doing that, but it makes me really focus. On just that. And not anything else that I was thinking just a moment ago. Where you could look around your room and name. All the colors of the rainbow. See, if you can find them. I often do that one with my daughter. Distract yourself somehow.
Another is to connect to your senses instead of your thoughts.
So ask yourself, what's your body feeling? Like right now. I start at your feet and work your way up. Is it cold tense. What color would it be if you gave it a color?
Just take a minute and slow down.
Now you might need to leave the room to do this. I'd like to point out if you're surrounded by people, you're probably overstimulated, which is not helping the situation. So like go to [00:07:00] the bathroom. The go-to mum's spot rate. Just take a minute and slow down. Now once you've done that and you're starting to feel more regulated.
You're starting to feel more calm. Then your brain is ready to think again. And you can start to. Look at it, listen to it and then talk back to it.
So there's something called the ABCs. And this is your adversity is the a. B his belief and see his consequence. So adversity basically means something happened. The event that happened, right.
So what's the action. You can actually call it an action. Or adversity. So what's the action. Let's say you forgot to buy the key ingredients for the special. Meal that you're about to make.
And then, so what happens? That's the outcome? We're going to go straight from a to C cause that's what we usually [00:08:00] all do.
So I forgot the key thing that I really need to make this meal. And it's the only time I'm going to have to do this and I'm going to work. I'm going to have so many thoughts around it. And then my outcome. Is annoyance, anger. Yelling.
Like. Right. My body goes tense and tight. And I get into the stress mode.
But what we're often doing is we're skipping the B, which is the belief. So if the action was that for you forgot to buy that key ingredients for your special meal. Before you get to the outcome, the thing that you actually do.
You have something in there. Which is your belief. There's something that you believe that is creating the anger, the frustration, the annoyance, the fact that you want to run around the house. Right.
So check in on what are the beliefs. That led to that outcome. [00:09:00] And the best way to do that is to think through what are the thoughts that came into your mind? As soon as this happened, I forgot to cut. I forgot the key ingredient to my special meal. And. This works, especially well, when you are judging yourself or others, So there might be things that start with always or everything or never. Or their judgements or their worst case scenario type thinking. So it might start with things like, oh, I always forget. I always forget something at the store.
What is wrong with me? Or I'm such. I'm such a bad mom. I can't even do this. Or I'll never get this right. I really wanted to be able to give this to my family and I'm, I'll just, I'll never be able to write or perhaps it's towards someone else. Like oh, I really wanted to get this right for Sunday. And.
My mom, because she always does this, that or the other. [00:10:00] Right. Or that is so annoying.
All of these are beliefs, beliefs that are ingrained in your brain because you've thought them so many times before. And these are the clues to your beliefs that are underlying this reaction or outcome. If there wasn't a belief. Your reaction, your outcome. Would it be as strong as it was.
So you've gotten yourself calm.
You can think through these ABCs. What was the thing that happened?
What came out of it? What's your consequence or your outcome?
And then. What was my inner chitter chatter. What's my belief. What am I actually saying?
Check in with these thoughts. Think about the belief that it shows. And then it's time to talk back to yourself because here's the [00:11:00] thing. Your mind chatter is way too mean you would never speak to anybody else that way. So we got to change it. Right. And this is how you do it. So you've checked in with those ABCs. And then you pick one of these phrases and, and finish it. So let's say.
Let's say my belief was, I. I always forget something at the store. I always get it wrong. So I could. Talk back to myself by saying that's not true because. I got groceries for dinner last week. And I didn't, I didn't forget anything. Or another way of seeing this is. That.
I get to be creative and look up a new recipe with the stuff that I already have.
Or the most likely outcome is. [00:12:00]
I can ask someone else to pick something up on the way by. And then I can cook with that.
Right. So you're talking your self down essentially. Down from the ledge per se, but up in terms of like, Talking to yourself nicely again, you're saying no. Those beliefs that you just said they are not facts. You are not always forgetting something at the store.
Right. So those three phrases are great ways to talk back. That's not true because. Another way of seeing this is. And the most likely outcome is. And I can.
And the key thing is to really check in on your mind chatter. Again, you would never be that mean to somebody else. So let's practice talking back to yourself and you've got a week before Christmas, guaranteed. You have multiple times that you will be reactive. [00:13:00] To something who will be stressed out about something between now and then.
And so practice, it's a simple skill, but it takes so much practice. And it takes time to really develop. So when your beliefs end up saying, oh, I don't have time for this. Or. I tried, but it didn't work. Talk back to yourself again. That's not true because. It takes time to develop this skill. Now, when I learned this. It alongside other things.
I learned it in my applied positive psychology course. And it truly has shifted the way that I think. Or the way that I react to the way that I think. Because we all do this, right. We all think something that is. Extreme. To the situation at hand, and that is what's causing our stress. That's what causes mine. [00:14:00] Right.
So. This isn't. Xact thing that you can do. This isn't the answer. If you can learn this skill, not only while you're Chris Christmas or your festive season or your family gathering. Go better. It might even happen the same, but you'll react better. Because you will be so much nicer to yourself and others.
But the rest of your life will change. If you can practice this one skill. And get better at it.
So. I want to take this time to say. Merry Christmas. If you celebrate it, happy winter season, for those who don't. And all the other.
Cultural. Celebrations that happen at this time a year of which there are many. I hope they go well for you. I hope you get the [00:15:00] time with your family and yourself. And I can't wait to check in with you in 2024. Thanks for listening.
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That is it, folks. This has been Mel Finlayder on Permission to Be Human, the podcast, and I am so glad that you have joined us here today and hope that you have taken away some tidbits that will help you go away, connect with your big audacious dream, and make that massive impact in the world that you are dying to make.
If you liked today's episode, please, please, please Like it, share it, think of one person, think of one person that you think would also like it and Send it on over to them. Let's get this out there and more moms feeling like themselves inspired Dreaming big and out there being them. Please do head on over to [00:16:00] find me on Facebook with permission to be human or Instagram or you can even Off me an email and say hello.
Have permission to be human, always, at gmail. com. Say hello and let me know that you listened. What did you like about it? I would love to hear. If you didn't like it, I don't really want to know. Just kidding, you can share that if you want. I would love to know, however. who you are. Let's connect. Let's find out what you want more of.
Yes, this is a newer podcast, so I want to hear from you and I want to make it what would be useful to you. As always, remember that you have permission to dream big, permission to feel big, and permission to be you. You have complete and full permission to be human. For real. You do.[00:17:00]
