Episode 21- the motherload
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/Welcome. Welcome back to permission to be human the podcast. You've got me today. Again, folks in our permission granted series where we'll be digging into permission to feel overwhelmed, and that is all about the Motherload. And this one hits home to every mother I have ever met. And it's all about that, feeling that everything we have to hold inside of us. Side of our brains and our bodies and our hearts. In order to keep ourselves together and also our families together. So we're going to be digging into what that is. We're going to be helping ourselves find some compassion, and we're going to be looking at some actions. That we can take. Two. Reduce the Motherload. And start to feel ourselves again, because let's be honest. The Motherload, I believe is what's holding us back in so many areas of our life. That feeling of overwhelm stops us from getting into that [00:01:00] space of possibility that we so, so crave. Being in.
So, what is the Motherload? I want you to stop for a second and think of all the things that you were holding in your head and body right now, the things that you need to remember. That you need to organize that you need to plan. Right. The things like. What me, my child, my husband, my cat, my dog. Anybody around me, the potluck at school are going to eat. So food is such a big part of all of this. Has everybody slept? Oh, I didn't get my eight to nine hours recommended today. What am I going to do about it? The stress of that have my kids been sleeping. If they happen to still be napping. Have they had an app recently? Is it a specific time when should they do it? You know, the. Especially when kids are younger. The question everybody asks is, is your baby [00:02:00] sleeping? How stressful is that for us to hold that responsibility within us? To help her baby's sleep, who frankly are going to do what they want. Have we all pooped frequently, you know, have we. All those doctor's appointments that we need to book for our kids and hold. Space for figuring out how are they going to fit in our schedules? Who do we need to go to? What are we going to talk to them about? All of those things, dentist appointments, the sports that our kids and ourselves might be in and when they fit in our lives and how, and are they too much or not enough and all the questions around it or the music classes. Right. All of these things.
Are things that we have to hold or refill. We have to hold in our heads. In order to. Keep things moving. Right. And it's not so much the doing the [00:03:00] running around, which. That's frankly, we do do a lot of and could do less of, but it's not so much of the running around to the activities and such. That was exhausting. Yes, it's. The holding all of that information and responsibility. In our heads. And in our hearts and in our bodies. Right. The Motherload is the holding of that. And that is what is making us feel so overwhelmed. Where. In the case of some people just flat. Because we can't think of. Anything else? Cause this just keeps coming in. I could list a million more things. That are on that list. And the first thing I really want to tap into is just acknowledging that this exists. And it really does exist for the mums. Of the group. And.
This is [00:04:00] real. You are not crazy. The fact that you were overwhelmed is totally normal. Right. We didn't used to have to hold all of this ourselves. We used to be able to have the village around us. And have people around us that could take on some of these roles. And even if you have a partner.
So often. The Motherload still comes on them on the mother without a lot of work to, to release that. And. I just want to notice that. And to feel that first.
And to just let that be. Okay. That's what's happening. That's why I'm so stressed. I didn't even add in the like cleaning of the house. Right. And here's an interesting, that, that, one's an interesting one. I'll tell you a story about where I, I got a cleaner. Recently [00:05:00] about, uh, I don't know, six months ago. You know, maybe a year ago for about six months. And. After a few months, I decided, no, I think I'm just going to try this on our ourselves. We need to get the kids doing chores. We can do this. I believe in. In. The kids having to do some of this stuff to spreading out the workload across the family. And everybody in my household is very, very willing and including my husband too. Clean and take on the chores that are necessary.
However I'm now learning. Have you not gotten them back yet?
That.
Getting stopping my. Cleaner. It means that in order for us to all do that, the responsibility of it all still lies on me. So I just increased my mother load again. Right.
I sat [00:06:00] down. I very enthusiastically like made Popsicle sticks with chores on them, big ones for the tasks that. Are like, you have to do them. You're not going to get paid for them and you just do them because you're part of the family. And smaller ones for ones that you can choose to go and do and request money in return for. And I had this whole system set up and it's still sitting there and it never got put into place because. I got overwhelmed because the Motherload became too much of holding the responsibility of doing. This of actually putting out the things in the morning, convincing my kids, that this is a good idea. Convincing my husband, that this is a good idea.
It it all. Lied on me. Right. So increase my mother load and it hasn't really helped. And I'm not sure exactly what my solution is for this, but I think the answer is somewhere in what will decrease my mother load. The most. [00:07:00] Right. And one of the challenges of having a cleaner is that I also then felt they did a lot of cleaning and in order for them to clean, I needed to tidy. And put some stuff away so they could focus on the vacuuming and then more detailed stuff that. I can't always get to. And that was on me. It was still in my Motherload. So I still explore to this day, what is it that I need that would. Decrease that Motherload. I need another mom. To come in. And I'm curious if you figured this out because a lot of it is, Organizing of things. And, if there's anybody out there that like has created this job, please let me know. Just send me an email permission to be human. [email protected]. And let me know, what is this job that I'm looking for out there? Who that releases some of the Motherload. And does some of the tidying and cleaning, but maybe like [00:08:00] plans the meals and maybe, you know, goes and does some of the shopping or whatever it might be. , That just increases that mother load. So that's just a little example from me of how I continue to attempt to release this and lots of different ways. And sometimes you won't get it right the first time, because. , the act of cleaning wasn't enough for me. That's not exactly what I was looking for. And, It's so much more it's the responsibility of it. That I would love to be released from. So these things happen. Right. We have this Motherload in our life and.
I just kind of want to breathe into that for a second. Right.
Like. My body is speeding up. I want to talk, I can feel the anxiety when I talk about this in the frustration and the overwhelm. And I'm curious if you [00:09:00] can, to, when you start to think about what your mother though, Looks like.
And I'm curious if you can, to, when you start to think about what your Motherload. Looks like what's your body feel like right now?
So let's just slow down.
Because the next step in this, and after acknowledging and noticing that this is a thing and that you are not alone. And feeling so overwhelmed. By this Motherload. Is compassion.
And.
What would it be like if we stopped beating ourselves up? Because. We couldn't get it all done.
And stopped feeling like our house had to be speaking span for a friend to come over.
And. Stopped. Feeling bad about the [00:10:00] fact. That. We feel energy one day and none. The next.
Right. This is what the mother load is. And. It's okay to not be okay with that.
So, what would it be like to give ourselves compassion? Over. The resulting emotions. The actions, the frustrations that come across in ways we wish they never did that. Maybe we took out on our kids a little too much. Then maybe we took out on our partner or a friend or a mother or. Whoever. What if we give ourselves compassion?
And once we've been able to do that. We can start to look at actions. Right. We've acknowledged it. We're going to need a hell of a lot more compassion. I, I give you a heads up on that. It's a constant one. So next time you [00:11:00] feel. That overwhelmed in depth. Breathe into it. Do some compassion practices. And then look at what else you can do.
So, what can you do? What are some actions we could be doing around this? This is something we could do. So much work on and I continue to do so much work on. But things that I'm constantly surprised me. So recently, um, I started a meal program that just gives me the meals to cook every day. And.
Uh, you know, they're super healthy. I'm doing really well with them. And it's really surprising to me because as someone who really like has a very strong value in choice, That.
I am enjoying cooking. Because all I had to do is open up this file. It'll tell me what I need to cook at that exact moment. And I'll go and do it. [00:12:00]
Right. I don't have to think. What am I going to cook today? Because it's already chosen for me. And I know a lot of people do weekly.
Meal plans for themselves. Right. And I've always like admired those people because. I think, because I know that on the day is if I have that planned, especially if it's prepped beforehand, I will feel so much better and it will decrease my mother load for that day. However it increases the Motherload. If I have to make those plans. Right. So this was a really interesting learning for me recently when I. Started following this program because. Someone else made the plan. So that removed it from me completely. And I feel so much relief. And this is, I should say I don't enjoy cooking in the last few years since I've had kids, I haven't enjoyed cocaine and that's because I am shattered by the time it comes [00:13:00] to like dinner time. And I don't know what to cook and I'm overwhelmed by choice. And I. I'm just full. I can't. I can't think of anything to do. So this was goose came as a real surprise. And as an example of something that we could do is find a way for someone else to create your meal plans. Based on your desires and needs.
And see how that helps you. If that's something that you feel is increasing your mother load. Another one might be digital reminders. Honestly, if I didn't have a smartphone that had a calendar that reminded me when and where I'm supposed to be somewhere. I don't know if I'd remember anything at all. Honestly anymore and I've become okay with that. And sometimes I miss things because I didn't have my phone with me, uh, because I don't like to look at it all the time and I try really hard not to. But it also. The ability to use [00:14:00] technology in whatever method you find best for you, whether that's just your calendar or a specific app that will tell you things.
Use digital reminders. This is the glory of technologies. These days. There's so many things that are challenging with technology, but this is where it can really, really help us. And use tools where, you know, for my work stuff, I use something called click up, for example, where I can. Get all my thoughts down on to a chart that says, you know, I do something that I move it over to somewhere else. So with this podcast, for example, I can write down here's my dream people that I'd love to interview. And then the next list might be. Ones that I've asked the next mate might be ones that I've scheduled and I can move people, move these things around within it. And this allows me to take it out of my head and stop feeling like I have to remember it all [00:15:00] because firstly, I won't remember it all. But also. It's just written down somewhere so I can release some of that. And I also use it for simple things. Like. Christmas lists. And who do I have an idea for what and whoever bought for and who haven't I and move things along. And. I find that really has helped me a lot. So finding a tool that works for you is definitely a tip.
What about creating that village again? As much as we possibly can, right. So for a while in a quite informal way, but you could make it more formal. Then my neighbor and I, we. Would just invite each other over for dinner. At the last second, Hey, I made extra of this. Pop over if you'd like to, and we feed each other and our kids, and it's wonderful because the kids love it. They get to play, they get to have another, like a mother, [00:16:00] like figure in their life. And. Everybody gets fed and it took the mother load off of me. When I go there and offered her when she comes here. And not to mention the benefits of community and all the field goods that we get from being around other people.
And I, I understand that there can be this feeling of.
Almost shame if we can't do it all and asking someone. To do that, but when it's, when it's.
Equal for both of you, right? It can feel so, so good. And it doesn't have to be super like don't overstress about what's equal, but you know, I will cook knowing that one day she'll invite me and. It works really, really well. And maybe there's a way for you to do that. Uh with your. Neighbors or friends as well. When my [00:17:00] kids were younger, when my daughter was younger, she was like, until from one till three, I'd say I had an amazing. A friend who I met, who had. Well, it was a mother of a friend of my child and she was a stay-at-home mom. , similar to myself while I was trying to do this stuff as well. And. We said, well, why don't we do play dates, swamps. Right. So one morning. My daughter went to his and they played together. And one morning he came to ours. And we. Ultimated weeks I believe is what we ended up doing. But you could do both in the same week. It's totally up to you.
And it was glorious because even when I had an extra child. My child was entertained, so it was way less work for me. And then on the other days, I got space and time to myself to recover. Honestly, most of the time to get work done, to do some self care, whatever. Whatever I needed that particular week, but [00:18:00] the point is. Who can you chat to and ask for help? And do swaps with and get creative around what that. Would be. And the last is around asking for help in general. Ask your partner. They don't fully understand necessarily what that Motherload feels like to you. So for example, my, my husband and I, he travels probably every four to six weeks for, I don't know, three to four days at a time. And I am okay with that. I appreciate everything that that's giving us and it adds to my mother load. So we've been having conversations about how.
When he goes away, can he help find the childcare? Than I need. If I'm working on that day.
To pick up the kids or to do whatever needs to happen that day. Cause I'm, I also work at a preschool in nature, [00:19:00] preschool as a four school lead in. You know, there are things in my diary that I can't change. And instead of me always having to figure it out, I asked for help and I say, I need you. To start asking and figuring out what what's going to happen around this. And you can, I can be involved in it. You can involve me in the conversation in fact, please do, but it, can you have responsibility over this? And.
It's a learning curve. But when it has happened, it has helped me a ton to know that I'm not responsible for that. And it took me going away. And literally planning day by day. Because it was a complicated week when I went away. What was going to happen with my kids and what my husband needs to do and giving them a list. For him to go. Oh, you do that when you go away. But when I go away, you still do it. That doesn't make sense. , right. Right. So start to have these conversations and, you know, gently. [00:20:00] Guide your partner or whoever it is that you might be asking. Along the way to starting to make this a little more equal. What responsibilities can you take off your plate? And. I'll challenge you as well. What responsibilities have you taken on? You didn't need to. Right. What have you said, I'm taking this frog the responsibility, because I like to do it my way. Right. Nobody else is going to do it your way. And so much of this is like accepting that. And that it's okay to do it another way. You know, say it's childcare, like, okay, you've got them on Saturdays. You're responsible for breakfast, you're responsible for whatever it might be. Bedtimes. If they're not going to do it your way, that's like, how about we accept that? And the only way to release that responsibility is to accept. [00:21:00] The help in the form that it comes. So. That is the Motherload. And I hope this was. Of use to you and that you are able to acknowledge the Motherload in your life. And I leave you to ask yourself, what, what is your Motherload what's on that list?
And what are you responsible for? And what don't you need to be responsible for.
And it might seem like a small thing. But when we hold it in our brains, it becomes big. And when we hold it with a million other ones, It becomes big. Right. One little grain of sand in a bucket and doesn't do much. But lots of little grains in the sand, that bucket gets pretty heavy. Right. So, what can you release from your mother load? And how can you show yourself compassion? Around the [00:22:00] end result of having such a heavy Motherload. Right. If you're holding that bucket of sand, if we keep going with that analogy.
It gets heavy. And it makes sense that your arm starts to hurt. And it makes sense that once your arm starts to hurt you get grumpy about it.
And maybe even resentful about it. And all the things that can come with that. So let's give ourselves compassion over all those feelings. And then let's take action to. Empty the bucket a little bit. What responsibilities can you give to someone else? [00:23:00] [00:24:00]
