Permission to stop planning
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/Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to our podcast today. I am. Going to introduce you today to eight brand new series that I'll be doing. All around permissions. You see, it makes sense to me. We are permission to be human, the podcast to really dig into that. [00:01:00] Need and desire that we seem to have as moms to ask for permission or seek permission. For so many different things. And if we think about it really hard, we know that we don't necessarily need permission for these things. But it really taps into the sheds of. What. We think we need to do. And what we've been trained essentially to do as women in society. And. I figured this is a good series and a good way to think that through. That's let's step back and really question. Whether we need to do all the things that we're doing and give ourselves permission to do something different. So today is permission number one, and it is permission to stop. Planning. [00:02:00] Now this came about for me. In the last couple of days, actually, where I had. The great privilege to stay home while my. Family went to a wedding. I live on Vancouver island. So they went over to the mainland. They had to take the boat over. So there was no way for me to see them for a couple of days. And I had to do it because I had a soccer game on the Sunday, but Saturday. I had nothing. I had a whole day. They left at like six in the morning. I had a whole day. I have nothing. And I was so excited. How about this concept of not having anything and. Have not. Planning anything for that day. And. Today's episode. I thought we could dig through what that was like using my experience, but also digging into some of yours. And.
I [00:03:00] decided after a very, very busy summer of planning too much. That I was craving a day of nothing planned. Sounds amazing. Right. I know that so many of the other moms out there will think that. That is. Such an amazing that's exactly what we need. Let's go have a day unplanned. Well, I obviously agree and I was so excited for it. And then I woke up in the morning. Quite early, let the.
Kids get out and, and get on their way. And. I sat there and I was like, I don't know what to do. So, like I could do anything in the world right now. What do I really, really want to do? And I started to try to reflect upon that. So firstly, I went back to bed. And I let myself sleep and doze and Google things. And. Snuggle with my animals and do whatever I wanted. And after getting up and walking the dog. [00:04:00] She was my only real responsibility in that day. I then had no idea what to do. Because here's the thing. The amount of times when. We have this space just for ourselves where we haven't planted anything is so rare that I'm out of practice. And. I think we plan things. I have fallen into this so much more since having children.
And I think we plan at least I plan things because it gives me control over a situation. Which is really uncontrollable, that feels more chaotic, right? Like kids can be super chaotic. We can't predict exactly what their behaviors are going to be. How they're going to feel in that moment as much as we try to. So I plan. I plan. Our lives and I am the planner and don't get me wrong. Planning has its place. [00:05:00] By over-planning sometimes I. Allow myself then to relax enough to then change my plan. Essentially, because I know I've thought it through already. Right? So like, For example, I used to facilitate quite a few workshops and I would have a extremely detailed plan of the activities that you're going to do, how long it was going to take what we would talk about questions. I could ask all the things down on paper so that when I showed up, if I had a blank moment and I wasn't sure what to do, I could look at my piece of paper and know exactly what I was going to do. But it also gave me the flexibility to. Change my mind, and to go with the flow of that moment and change the plan. Right. So when I relate that back to my life,
I think that's why I over-planned [00:06:00] there. As well, and. The challenges I think with kids. Especially. They want to know the plan. They like it. That gives them a sense of security, especially where anxiety comes in. And I'm less likely to change the plan because I don't want to. I have to factor in their emotions as well as my own. So planning. Works because we get doing things. We go out, we get to adventure, which is a really big value of mine. And.
It makes us busier. Then I want to be. And my goal is to actually slow down this year. That's our whole family whole we've changed schools. We've done so many things in our life. Too. Try to slow down. So here I am on this Saturday. Ready to slow down. And I wake up wanting to [00:07:00] plan my day. Right. I'm so excited to have a day on plant. And I wake up wanting to plan my day because the anxiety creeps in. I'm worried that I have so many things that I want to do. That if I don't plan it, I'm not going to get them. Not going to get them done like a tick list. Right. And it took a lot of energy to. Multiple times a day. Too. Stop. And be like, Mel it's. All right. I know this is uncomfortable. Too. Not know what's going to be next. But allowing myself the space to sit in that discomfort.
Means that I could really check in with myself. My body. What do I really want right now? What do I not? What do I think I'm going to want in 10 minutes or five hours? Right. Cause that's what planning is, is totally guessing what we [00:08:00] think we're going to want then. Instead it is. What do I want? Right. Now. And when was the last time you were able to do that for yourself is to stop. And ask and just listen to your body and your brain, but especially your body and say, what is it? What do I want? And what do I need? Right now. And the funny thing is, so the way my here's the way my day played out, I.
After getting up, walking the dog, et cetera. Making myself some, a breakfast smoothie. Which is what I totally, what I wanted. And I wanted to try this new, like elixir thing that I found. Uh, for a woman that was actually really tasty, like lemon and ginger and some spices.
I did all that. And then I looked around and I was like, I want to finish organizing the cupboards in my kitchen. And like, [00:09:00] Then all my judgments are like, why would you do this on your day, off your day to yourself? Why would you want to like organize a kitchen? And here's the thing is that, well, I was thinking about what I wanted to do. It gave me something. To do. Right. It gave me a tangible outcome that I could look at and know that I achieved something. So what I was really craving was. Finishing something I had already started. And. I really tangible, like I've done something. Right. So. Once I did that. Well, it's listening to a podcast which was very, very good. And allowing myself the space to do that. I connected with an old friend, sent some messages. I connected with an old friend and sent some messages.
And then after Civi and something quote-on-quote as if doing nothing as achieving nothing but achieving something. Felt good to me, [00:10:00] right. Taking that off. After getting that done, I wanted to do nothing. So I'm like, okay. I think, I think I want to read a book. So I pick up a book that without overthinking it, because I get in the habit of staring at a bookshelf and not knowing which one I want to read. I just pick one up that I happened to have bought. Uh, recently at the shop and I start to read it. It doesn't help. I have to say that I didn't have, I'm not really into this book yet. And, uh, yeah, it didn't get me overly excited while I was reading it, but it was like, A nice way to read a fiction book. I should say, which I usually read my work, like learn something books. This was, I just want to like get in gross, gross in a story. So I went up up to my hammock, which sits outside my office door here and just relaxed in that for a few minutes, had a little read. Great. Right.
And then. Aye. [00:11:00]
I was like, no. I'm not, I'm not feeling this, I'm not into this. I think, I think I need to have a bath. I've been talking about having a bath for so long. I keep telling myself we don't have a very good bath in this house. So I avoid having one. And I was like, no, I'm going to get in the kid's tub. It doesn't matter if it's smaller than I want it to be. And I'm going to get my candles. I've got to lock the dog out. So she can't get an above Ruby going to get some chocolate. And I'm going to sit in this tub with this new, like, Salt stuff that I bought to put in it. And it was lovely. And I read my book and just really enjoyed myself for however long. I didn't even pay attention to how long I was in there. So I've, I've achieved something in the morning. I've read my book and relaxed. I'm just doing nothing in the tub and enjoying that. And then I move on to going for a walk. So I know I have to walk the dog that day. I'll feel better if I get moving. So I wanted to add some [00:12:00] movement into my day. So I went for a walk. I was, I wanted it to be an adventure, not just start like the same dog walk that I always did. Um, but my knees are sore lately, so I chose one that wouldn't be very up and down. So we went for like an hour and a half walk and I ran into two Cub bears. Quite close to my house, actually on the way back. Um, I had to detour a few times, uh, because I ended up running into private land, but the, on the right on the way back, I. Ran into two Cubs climbing on the fence of someone's yard. And I was about five meters away cause I just went up this hill. So there wasn't very good visibility. And here's me and my dog. And I've. I see these things up there. I'm like, what is it? Oh, oh, So I start backing up. I don't see mama bear anywhere. I've no idea where she is. Maybe she's in the backyard. Maybe she's in the woods right beside me. And I don't see her. Right. [00:13:00] And I back up and my dog, luckily didn't see, until we had backed up a little bit longer. Now normally like, so I live in the land of bears. I've never seen one in the wild before, even though I know they live out here. And in some ways I feel really privileged that I got to I've always wanted to, but ideally I would have been in a situation where I could see them a lot further away. Then I did it this time, but anyways, what you're meant to do was back up very slowly. Don't run. Don't turn your back on them, but I'm on this hill. If I back up down this hill, I'm gonna fall. I've got a massive dog. So we back up a few steps and I just start walking quickly with the dog. The dog picks up on my anxiety. She's barking, like crazy. Cause she can tell something is there, she probably knows where mama Berry is and I'm like, oh my God, don't scare this.
Bear into thinking we're attacking it's Cubs. Anyways, we. We get away. We walk around, we detour, um, and it's [00:14:00] totally fine. But do you know it was, I was. Scared. Sure. And I feel so amazing that I got to see these bears in the wild. And that, you know, I have been anxious about seeing wildlife near my house, where I walk in the woods all the time. Since I've moved here three years ago and only recently has my anxiety slowed down. Around that. And I accepted that I could handle that situation. Uh, whenever it would arise. And now I got to experience that and I handled it and I was fine and the dog was fine and the bears were fine. And we did that. Um,
so that's that. And I came home. And my neighbor invited me over for a drink. And I said, do you know what? I don't know what I'm going to feel like in four hours after dinner. So I'll let you know if I do feel like it, but right now, I'm enjoying, just going with the flow. And then I just sat and like [00:15:00] watched movies. And it was glorious. I got to choose them. They're like super cheesy ones that my husband wouldn't really enjoy. My kids wouldn't be old enough for. And I just enjoyed. A glass of wine and watching a movie. For the rest of the evening and it was delightful. Um,
And that, and that was my day. And the reason I bring that up is because.
At each moment when I had to transition. From one thing to the next thing. I had to pull myself back from wanting to plan or think about what was going to be after what I was doing. Right. I'm in the middle of a bath and I'm thinking, what am I going to do next? And I think that's.
The outcome of living these really busy lives and fast paced lives that we do. And. [00:16:00]
They're not always serving us. Right. My brain has been trained to think that way. And I had to really intentionally slow down and not like get mad at myself for it, but just accept that that was there. I'd be like, oh yeah. But look, look at this. Look at this amazing water I'm sitting in smell. Those smells that I can smell. And. And be in that present moment and.
Get over the fact that I wanted to do it all. Including nothing at all. Like those are, I'm not going to win in that situation. You can't do all if it also includes nothing. So.
I let myself go with the flow. And I invite you to do the same and. Really take the effort to be present in each individual moment and practice. So maybe you're not going to get a full Saturday. This is a [00:17:00] very rare occurrence for me, but maybe you get an evening. Or an hour during nap time or even 10 minutes of nap time.
What can you do to practice this concept of being present in that individual moment? Instead of looking back. At or looking forward. Right. And this leads into the concept of. The fact that we are happier, happier when we can live in the now not yesterday or tomorrow or even 10 minutes from now. Right. And by being aware of the. Present, we're more likely to get into the concept of savoring. And everything that savoring gives us and. In the world of positive psychology, there is so much science around the benefits of save rain. And this is a practice. Right. It's not just a concept that we walk around [00:18:00] saying we should saver. Right. This is an actual practice that we can sit down and, or stand up and, or just be in the moment. And look at the feelings that we're getting. So I'm in a tub and I feel relaxed and I can think about the fact that, wow, it feels really good to be relaxed. And then I'm savoring. Right. And. Savoring the science of it. I'm going to read you a couple of different. Bits of pieces, but there's so much work around this. That has shown that our wellbeing is increased and bettered by intentionally practicing save rain over time. Uh, one example is by Joe's limb and Brian's in 2012 and it says that. That savory boosts happiness in people experience. Seeing fewer daily positive events. So savory boosts happiness in people that experienced fewer [00:19:00] daily positive events. So that means basically that things in life go wrong. Right. And that savoring, even within those, the positive side of it. We'll boost our happiness. Uh, another example is by quad back Barry Hanson, N.
Michael lush. I believe is how you pronounce that 2010. And they say that. It positively relates to higher levels of positive effect in life satisfaction. Right. This is the tiniest little thing we can do. We don't have to have a whole day. We can do this within the moments that we have with our children. Right. Savoring savoring. Savoring. And I find that the best way to get into that is to stop planning for even just a moment. Because planning is looking at what's next. And instead focus on the moment right [00:20:00] now in front of us. Where are you sitting right now? Or standing? What are you? What are your feet on? Right. When you feel something that you like. And that is serving you very well. You've got some good positive emotion going. Remember to stop. And experienced that. Right. We've talked a lot in the past episodes of. Noticing nature. And that's this concept of safe savoring. It's not just like being in nature. It's the fact that we notice it and that's the same in all of our. Life right. So I noticed that I felt good.
Achieving something in the kitchen. I noticed that I felt good having a bath. I noticed that I really wanted to have a drink of wine and sit in front of the TV for awhile. And [00:21:00] I noticed how I felt doing that. And I noticed when I needed to stop. Because it didn't feel so good anymore. Right.
So with that. I give you an invitation. To check in on how much you're planning in life. To ask yourself. Is it serving you? And at times it is, I promise. And at times perhaps it isn't. And when it isn't, what are you affording by, by planning? Because usually I'm avoiding something that discomfort in this case of my day. The discomfort. Of not having a plan. It was what I was avoiding. Right. The. The discomfort of choice overwhelm. And.
Fear of missing out.
And sometimes. [00:22:00]
The answer lies in. Keeping ourselves some time when we don't plan.
So permission to not plan or do. Anything. Yeah. Permission granted. Now before you stop listening to this, I would love, love, love your thoughts on what other permissions would it be useful to? I hear about, I've got a whole list in front of me, of things that I've needed permission for in the past, but I would love to hear from you, what are you feeling? That you need permission for and. Though, I don't need to grant it. I will happily do it for you. So pop me an email at permission to be human, always@gmail.com and let me know. What permissions we should go through on [00:23:00] this podcast. [00:24:00]