Episode 17 - Emily
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/[00:00:00] Today, you're going to hear from Emily Felt, who is an amazing mom. Coach a writer. So much knowledge in positive psychology. And we talk about so many different things. She's a mum of two, and one of her children has a rare disease. So that's been quite the journey for her. She lives in [00:01:00] Barcelona and the USA. So we talk about that two country lifestyle. And we talk a lot about burnout and self care and how having dreams. That are big and audacious while being a mama can be really challenging and how we can fit them into our lives
Mel: Welcome, Emily.
Emily: Thank you. Thank you so much. It's so good
Mel: to have you here.
We always start just by wherever this question leads you, but just tell us a little bit about who
Emily: is Emily? Well, let's see. Emily is, 48 year old, mother of two. Um, I consider myself a mom, kind of first and amongst many other things.
Um, I am a mom. I also write, I am currently in a master's program in theopoetics. I am, , a very spiritual person. That's the basis of my life, actually one of the central pieces of my life. And I'm married. , I live by [00:02:00] nationally, so I spend part of my year in California. I spend the other part of my year in and around Barcelona, Spain.
My husband's from Barcelona, so I've raised my children. Bilingually to also be into different cultures with two different families and all of that. And I do, I do a lot of different types of work. I do coaching, I do writing, I do community management, and um, I. Yeah, I've had a very, I think, diverse kind of background in history.
I grew up in Colorado, a very small town in, in Colorado, near the New Mexico border, an area called the Four Corners, and went to university in Denver, then moved to California and have worked in everything from investment banking to nonprofit work to now, uh, professional development and wellbeing and, uh, personal development.
So I've been a little bit all over the place. Brilliant.
Mel: I love that. [00:03:00] I love that you are the, the part that's really standing out to me there, because it's something I didn't know about you for sure, is that you live partly in Spain and, and partly in the us. That's fascinating. How does that end up working with kids?
What does that look like?
Emily: Well, it's been, it's definitely been a little bit of a challenge, but my, uh, we were, my husband and I were living in San Francisco, California when my son was born, and when he was about one and a half, my husband suddenly had a driving urge to go to Barcelona, which is where he is from.
And he, he said, why don't we go to Barcelona for a while? And so I thought, okay, I thought it would be great for my son, so he would get to know his. His roots and his culture and so forth. And we said we were gonna go to Barcelona for two years and then come back to the States. And so we went and I didn't, I knew I'd like it 'cause I've always loved travel and I, you know, I love learning [00:04:00] languages and I love being in new places, but what I didn't count on was that it would be such a great place for kids.
It's actually. The kind of Spanish culture and Catalent culture is a really great place. It's a very nurturing place for children to grow up. So we ended up staying like seven years. Wow. During which time my daughter was born. My daughter was born after, uh, being in Barcelona for two years and or almost three.
And then when she was about four years old, we moved back to California, but we. Wanted to kind of divide our time. And so since the kids are in school for nine months out of the year, we decided that we would go back to Spain every summer and spend the summer there. So given that I worked remotely and online, I was able to kind of make that workout.
And for the past seven years, we've spent our winters in the United States and then our summers, uh, in and around [00:05:00] Barcelona. Wow.
Mel: I love that. I loved, I love that in so many ways, and I think there's something real magical about how you've embraced another culture and making sure your kids experienced that, and your husband and you of course.
Um, and so do your kids speak Spanish?
Emily: They do actually in Barcelona, the local language is Catalan, which Oh, okay. Is um, a language, but not many people know that Spain has like minimum of four different languages going on in the country. Huh? Spanish is one and Spanish is the one that everyone speaks. But in Spain's different regions, they speak other languages as well.
So in a Barcelona, people tend to speak Catalan. So my children speak Catalan, they also speak English. And they also speak Spanish, because that's the other thing going on in Spain. Yeah. That's
Mel: amazing. Yeah. [00:06:00] Yeah. That, that's so amazing. And, , how has that been for you in terms of your wellbeing with the going back and forth?
Emily: Well, I love traveling, so I like, I looked forward to figuring out how to make that work. At the beginning I was quite ambitious. You know, I thought, oh, no problem. We'll just go back and forth. It did turn out to be a bit tedious for me at the beginning, but over the years I was able to kind of tweak a little bit how things might work.
Um, so each year that we were able to come to Barcelona, I kind of. Looked at what worked and looked at what didn't work and tried to make it better each year. So we were able to find some things that, you know, I knew over time kind of worked like I recognized after the first couple years that if I didn't have my children in summer camps, I wouldn't get any work done so quickly.
I realized that I needed my kids' time to be occupied if I was going to be [00:07:00] able to spend some summertime in Barcelona and actually keep working. Um, another thing is that there, there were definitely times when I had jobs that didn't allow me to take a whole summer away, and so a couple of summers, my husband and my two children traveled to Spain.
I was only able to join them for a few weeks and then I had to stay in California the rest of the summer working, you know, in person while, while they were enjoying their wonderful Spanish summer, you know, outdoors and doing all kinds of fun things. So, but it was always my goal to try and find work that was flexible enough that I could also be more, more mobile and.
Have the flexibility to spend that time, you know, with my family. 'cause summer's a fun time for us and I, it, it was hard for me at the beginning to let my, you know, the rest of my family leave and essentially I wouldn't see them for like three weeks or [00:08:00] four until I was able to go and join up with them.
So it, it wasn't always easy, but I, it was fun. I mean, we always had fun along the way and, uh, you know, it was a matter of figuring out. What are the conditions that we need when we're in that other country in order to make it easier?
Mel: Yeah. I could talk to you about this forever because it's, at one point in time we thought that when I lived in England, we thought that we would end up living the two country life because my whole adult life and my children's whole life at that point had been in England, even though we're Canadian.
So I'm so like, I'm so intrigued by how you, you have managed to make that work and, , And, , I'm gonna resist now you're a fellow, fellow traveler. Yeah. I'm gonna resist spending the whole hour talking about that because that's so interesting. Me, to me. Um, but there is one question in there that's coming up to me, which is,
around the idea that, did it feel with being the summer there? At what point does it feel like you're not, [00:09:00] not on holiday, but you're living there?
Emily: , well there are a lot of times when it feels more like living rather than holiday and basically because we're working, we're working while we're, while we're in Barcelona, so.
It only feels really like holiday when we're truly on vacation, and usually we do take a few weeks of that time to go on vacation, do something fun, sometimes a family trip, and sometimes a trip with another family. , But it, you know, it is kind of strange to be in this really summer environment with our children being at summer camp and, and we are work, we're working.
So, yeah. You know, it's like we we're very tempted to take advantage of all that Spain has to offer. There's lots of culture, there's lots of going out at night, there's lots of opportunities to do activities, but a lot of times we, we can't participate in all of them because we have, you know, conference calls with California and.
The time difference, which is significant. So we have to really [00:10:00] try and stay focused on the work that we need to do. Yeah, yeah.
Mel: Yeah, I can, I can see that. I know we used to come back for three weeks and I think maybe it just wasn't long enough to feel like living, when we would travel back to Canada for it.
But, I could see a, a longer one potentially working, so that you've got my little mind spinning there, okay. So tell us a little bit more about.
Your dream as, as if you have a big audacious dream and what's that been along the way and how does it fit in your life?
Emily: Well, I've, I've always been the type of person to have lots of big, audacious dreams, and I wouldn't say that I've necessarily gotten there with any one of them or.
I don't think I've quite found my calling, let's say, but I've had lots of creative drive to do something. I've always [00:11:00] wanted to pour myself into a creative project and make something of it. I've found myself really drawn to writing, for example, writing a novel, writing a memoir, things like that. And I've.
Ever since I was a kid, I can remember having this idea of doing something very special, you know, finding something I could really pour my heart into. And that's been with me ever since. I was very, very young. Um, I've had many times when I felt almost like I had a false start. Like I've, I've tried many things to try and figure out, you know, exactly what is this big dream that I'm searching for?
What is the thing I really want to do? And often I, I come up against the fact that I start a big project or an idea, and then I realize that maybe that's not the thing I wanna do after all. But I've always had, I've always had that drive, I've always had that idea. Hmm. And in general, it's u it's usually [00:12:00] stemmed from I have, I really wanna make some sort of positive difference or creative impact in the world.
Hmm. I wanna share something of myself. I wanna share something from the heart. And I wanna share that with others. I think that's really the heart of it. Love that.
Mel: Yeah. Yeah. And what's it been like to be a mom with all of those dreams and ambitions?
Emily: Well, I, I actually was really ambivalent about having children when I, when I had my son.
I, I almost, I wasn't sure I really wanted children because I think a part of me thought that, It might limit what I could do, or you know, that it might put some sort of, I mean, I don't wanna say it kind of might cramp my life or something, but I, I think a part of me knew that there's being a mother, there's inevitably, [00:13:00] there's things you're going to do, choices you're going to make that it's like, I already knew that you're simply not gonna prioritize yourself in your dreams in many situations.
I mean, it's. You can do it and want to, but it's very common and frequent to put your children first. I mean, it's just a kind of human biology for one thing. And I think I knew that this was gonna be the case for me. And so I was ambivalent about having children. And part of it was 'cause I, I thought I wanted to do something and I thought I needed the freedom to do it.
And I didn't know yet what it was, but I didn't want it to be. Impacted by having a lot of responsibilities with children. So that was kind of how I started out. But what I didn't realize, I, I had my son and I, I didn't realize that it would be, you know, one of the best things, I mean, the best thing that ever happened to me, I mean, it was clearly made me into a much better person and [00:14:00] clearly gave me a sense of purpose beyond.
Whatever I might think of for myself as, you know, a woman without children. So I had my son and it was, you know, I mean, any mother, any parent will have the exact same explanation. It's an amazing thing. It's, it adds a dimension of life that is so profound and so rewarding that. You know, it's worth any difficulty, and it's almost just indescribable how much it changes life.
But I, I, I still, of course, had dreams and, and wanted to work and wanted to do things, and I've, during the time that I've had my son and then later my daughter, I've, I've struggled with, and yet also tried to maintain kind of a balance. I've, I've tried to keep areas and I interests and things for myself, even as I've been raising my [00:15:00] children, but my children, of course, have taken over the past 15 years of my life.
I mean, I can't deny it. Right? Yeah. Like that's, that's where I'm at right now. They have, I mean, they've, it, my past 15 years of my life have been dedicated to that, first and foremost. Yeah.
Mel: And I I love that you're, you're sharing that because I think. You know, sometimes I might forget to say it, but that's the, that's the obvious.
We all will do that. First push come to shove, we will choose our children. Right. Yeah. And, and that is, that is the way it should be. And as long as we are also allowing, you know, taking care of ourself in whatever way that looks for each of us, and purpose and meaning and dreams are, are a part of that. So within that 15 years of dedication to your kids who are,
Emily: how old again?
[00:16:00] They're 15 and 11. 15
Mel: and 11. Yeah. So within, within that 15 years, and probably different at different seasons and ages and stages, I imagine, how did you, how did you keep your, let's just go with wellbeing
Emily: along the way. Okay. Yeah. Well, I, I, when I had my son, I wanna say after I had my son, I was, I was pretty on track for keeping my wellbeing going.
I mean, I had, I was pretty good at it before having him and after I had my son, you know, he was four when my daughter was born. So I, I kind of kept up with my, all of my self-care practices and my work as well. I, it's true that after my son was born, I never really went back to work full-time. Mm-hmm. And that was, that was hard for me in a way, because I'd.
I'd [00:17:00] envision myself as a person having a successful career. And then, um, two things happened. One thing is I realized after I had him that I didn't wanna go back full-time 'cause I wanted to be with him. So I went back to work part-time. And then over the years I realized that seeing as I had worked so much part-time, it was like very difficult to realistically then.
Be competitive to go back full-time. Um, I mean, I wouldn't discourage anyone who wants to work full-time because I, I do think it's possible, but in my case, I, I didn't find the, even the motivation on my part to really, you know, pursue it in that way. But after my son was born, I was, I, I went back to work and I was.
I was still kind of living my same life only with my son. We traveled a lot with him and it, it didn't change life too much. Um, when my, when my daughter was born, my daughter was born when my son was four, and she was born with a rare disease called Prader Willie Syndrome, [00:18:00] and that was the point at which I, I really had a crisis of will I lose myself?
Will I just be a caregiver and nothing else will I. Will I even have any life outside of being like a caregiver? Basically, predator release syndrome is this rare disease. It affects about one in 15,000 babies. And when she was born, like everything that I was told by the doctors and everything I read about it, it seemed really dramatic, traumatic and very, very grave, you know, very, um, It all seemed really negative, so I, I didn't know if I would ever be able to, you know, do anything I wanted again.
I thought, I thought that just might be all I would be able to do. Hmm. Um, [00:19:00] yeah. And when, when she was born, I mean, it was very hard. It was hard and it was, it was somewhat traumatic. You know, you, when you get pregnant, you don't. Consider that you might be one of those parents that has a child with a disability or special needs of any kind.
You know the statistics, but you also know that the statistics suggest that it's probably not going to happen to you. So, you know, I, I didn't sign up for it voluntarily. I didn't, wasn't prepared. I didn't think I had what it took. I didn't want it and couldn't fathom how I would handle it. And I.
Essentially, um, it actually forced me to become the kind of person that could deal with it and thrive with it and be happy with it and do things with it. And, you know, it's, I mean, she's 11, so of course I've had a decade working on this, but I, I could say now that I am. Just thinks [00:20:00] she's perfect and wouldn't want her any other way.
And I, I think it's been an amazing journey, an amazing experience, but it hasn't been easy. And I have to admit that being a, you know, all parents are caregivers. That's true, you know, in every way. Um, having a child with a serious rare disease is caregiving in a little bit of a different level. And I've, I have struggled sometimes with, you know, periods of getting burned out, doing too much and then needing to really revamp my, my self-care.
But what I wanted to share about this experience was when, when it happened that I realized that I was going to be the, the parent of a special needs child. The experience forced me to really look for some tools that really worked and. The good thing is that I, I did discover in that time positive psychology practices, spirituality practices, and a lot of things [00:21:00] that I hadn't really needed too much beforehand, but then I really needed all of a sudden, and I, you know, I discovered them and was able to implement them and actually found that life could be even better than I'd imagined and could be.
Really wonderful. So. You know, self-care and, personal wellbeing has become like one of my fundamental pillars of my life. Like something that I'm working on all the time, both for my kids and also also for myself. Yeah. Wow. Thank you
Mel: for sharing that. It's, you know, you've had this, this.
Surprise, really? , not exactly in that moment. Not a nice surprise. Now, you looking back retrospectively can think that, , and you've managed to come through that with this, this strength and perseverance to still find a way to take care of you within that, that's what I'm
Emily: hearing. [00:22:00] Yes. And ta I mean, taking care of me is a fundamental piece of it because I, I really, really can't take care of anyone else if I don't take care of me.
Yeah. And I'm always, I'm always, uh, I'm always learning more about what it really means to take care of me too. That's the other thing. I, I think I do pretty well, but I'm current, I'm constantly deepening this understanding. , it really is. You know, a constant process of reexamining who I am as a person and what my needs are, and how I wanna contribute to my family, and how I wanna contribute beyond my family, and recognizing what that looks like, how to do it, and also what do I, you know, what inner work do I need to do so that it's kind of naturally flows out of me and is something that is just a part of who I am and what I do, as opposed to.
, you know, just doing the minimum to keep myself going, let's say. Yeah. But I, I empathize a lot with [00:23:00] other parents and other moms because it, it's very, I think we live in a culture in which it's like, it takes a concerted effort now to, to even give any time to yourself because there's just so little, you know, so little time in general for parents and there's a lot of demands on parents these days.
Yeah. Yeah.
Mel: So a couple things are coming to my mind. There's a couple of words or phrases I guess that we, that, that you used within that, that I wonder if you can clarify your version of what they mean, , to the audience, which is one is positive psychology and what that means to you, and the other being self-care and what that means.
And then I'm hoping we can dig into like what that actually
Emily: looks like. Yeah, sure. Well, I know a lot about positive psychology as you know. I, I won't go into the scientific details of it, but for me, when I had my daughter and I was just learning about some of the practices that we think [00:24:00] of as positive psychology, I think it for me means, , trying to live in a place of integrity, trying to prioritize a positive approach to things.
One that's life-giving and supportive of myself and supportive of other people. And also be being really aware of my own tendency, tendency to maybe see things in a really negative way and recognize that, you know, the more I prioritize positivity in my own life, the more I attract those things. And that, that those are the sorts of things that make me feel good and give me the energy to.
To come through these experiences. I mean, in particular, like the experience that I went through, , when I had my daughter, I was coming off of a time in life in which I saw things in a pretty negative way. Actually. I saw her entire birth in a very negative way. I saw the possibility of having a special needs child in a very negative way, and our society [00:25:00] see those, sees those things in a very negative way.
It's like the default. This is a negative thing. It's a difficult, bad, hard thing. I really needed to find good things in it in order to move forward. And once I started going that direction, it actually came pretty easily and pretty quickly I was really able to see how, how wonderful it is. And I've really been privileged to meet a lot of other moms on a kind of a special needs journey.
And I've found that many, many of them have taken that exact same approach like, Because the circumstances, right. Kind of require it. I mean, it's, it's like you've gotta, you know, you're in the desert start like, you know, you need water, you've got to find some water, and like, that's what you can do. That's the thing you discover that works.
So, so that's kind of what that means to me. And you asked about what does self-care mean to me? Well, [00:26:00] self-care for me is, It's really this pro process of constantly going deeper and discovering more in each time, in each phase, what is it I'm really feeling? What is I'm really going through, and what do I actually need?
Because it, it's constantly changing. So even what I needed during, you know, when my daughter was an infant and my son was like five or six years old, is very different from now what I need as a, my, my son is 15, my daughter's 11. So my son is becoming a lot more independent and becoming a teenager, and my daughter's not a baby anymore, and I also need different things in myself in order to be the kind of parent and mother that I wanna be for them.
And I also need different things just for me because I'm older and I, I won't be always in the phase of having very young children. So it's also time for me to [00:27:00] prioritize. Time, having time for myself and time to work on projects and time to basically do whatever I think, you know, on any given day is, is really gonna keep my energy levels up and make me feel good, and give me time for reflection and time for contemplation, time for writing, time for my physical health.
So I think self-care for me is really about self-awareness. Being in touch with ourselves. I mean, nobody, not everyone's gonna need the same thing. Um, you know, we can say, oh, everyone needs physical exercise. Well, maybe, but maybe that's not true across the board. Maybe certain people have different priorities.
So it's like a constantly changing process. Yeah. I love both those
Mel: answers. And, uh, the reason being that, so your answer to positive psychology is, is what you're, what you're not saying in there is that it's about being happy all the time. Matter what. [00:28:00] Right. And I, I, that's why I like your description.
It's about, it's about looking within. And find, working through what's there in order to have a more positive outlook, which is not the same as like putting a smile on your face and just Yeah. Working through. Right. , which is what is tempting for most of us in the harder class, it's um, 'cause that's what's culturally accepted.
And then with the self-care side of it, ,
I can hear your emphasis on. That it's, it's different for each of us and in each moment of each day, it's different. And yes, the kind of. Terms and the, the actions that we, uh, hear in our culture about, like, it means going to the spa and getting your hair done and you know, getting your nails done or whatever.
Yes. That's what we need sometimes. Sometimes that's glorious. , and there's so much more to it. Right. I like your description of kind of [00:29:00] going inwards and figuring out what do I need right now?
Emily: Right. Yeah. And sometimes like going to the spa can be a really great thing. You know, I, yeah. Often this past year I've found that going to a spa, , having a couple of hours of under uninterrupted time with no phone, with no distractions, that's been really nurturing for me.
Yeah. And you know, I, I went and got my nails done recently with a friend of mine, and that was great too, because it obligated us to just sit in a chair for an hour. And not move. Yeah. So that was incredibly helpful. And I mean, those are very simple, small practices, but other ones too, I've used at times when I was really busy and just could barely even find the time for myself.
, you know, like making myself a cup of tea at night or for example, that became a ritual that I had, what one, five or 10 minute thing I did for myself that just felt good. And, you know, then other times I [00:30:00] have, I have more space and time to, to do things for myself that are, that seem, you know, bigger or seem, you know, more important.
But I think what you said about the putting on the happy face, I mean, sometimes this is helpful because we have times when we say, you know what, it would really serve me right now to try and think of some of the good things, be grateful for them. Like that's gonna help me shift my mood and that's what I need.
, what isn't helpful is when we just do it because we have to and we wanna put on kind of a mask, but it's not how we are really feeling. Yeah, and I've, I've definitely had many, many times when I've really not felt happy. I mean, I, I could, that doesn't mean I'm not very grateful for all of the amazing things I have in my life.
'cause I think I have a pretty awesome life. But there are still a lot of challenges, a lot of really hard times, and I think it's helpful to just. Be with yourself and let those times have their importance because, you know, life [00:31:00] changes, life has transitions and things are, things can be very poignant and sad too about being a parent.
There's a lot we have to go through. So I've, in terms of self care, I, I've tried to develop the practice of being really honest with myself, but I don't think I'm there yet either. I think I still have a ways to go. Because it's hard. It's, it's hard to be honest with yourself about how you're really doing, but it's, it's a good practice to have because it's helpful and we do need it.
Yeah. And it's scary to do that,
Mel: right? Because I'm not always gonna like what I find in there, Actually, it's not what I want it to be sometimes, and, , because it's uncomfortable or it's, it's, quote unquote a negative emotion, which I'm not a big fan of the word of, but it's one that doesn't make me feel particularly comfortable in that moment.
Emily: ,
yeah. Or it's just sad, you know? Or we just feel bad. I, I mean, I, about a few years ago, maybe four or five years ago, I, I got really burned out because I was. [00:32:00] I had come off of a time when I had a ton of energy and I was advocating for my daughter and doing all kinds of things and taking care of my children, working a ton, and I, I got burned out and I, I overdid it, you know, and suddenly I found myself.
I wasn't really doing great work in many different ways because I was really exhausted, really tired. Didn't have that, that time and space for myself. But the worst part about it, the thing that burned me out was that I, I spent time not recognizing what I really needed and how I was doing. I didn't wanna admit that I wasn't doing well.
And so finally, I, I did get really burned out and of course then I had to admit that I wasn't doing well because it was so blatantly obvious. , and I, I think that's okay too. I think it's, you know, we, of course we wanna involve, we wanna avoid burnout, obviously, but there are times when. We're gonna burn out.
There are times when we get to that point where we've just done too much and it's just, okay, this is where I am now. I have, guess I have to start from here. Yeah. [00:33:00] Yeah.
Mel: And then it's like, okay, what am I gonna do to avoid
Emily: that next time? Right. Yes, exactly. What are the signs? How will you know, recognizing like how, how did I recognize I was burned out and what are kind of the things that got me there and how can I.
Be more attentive to my own needs before I reach that point again. Yeah. And what
Mel: practices helped you get out of
Emily: burnout? Well, what helped me get outta burnout honestly was, was just stopping, doing things, really stopping a lot of activities, a lot of things I had going on. I mean, I, I really need to go back and focus on the basics, like just.
You know, eating, sleeping, uh, moving every day and getting some exercise and doing, doing what my kids needed, obviously taking care of my children, but I needed to let go of a lot of other things that I had going on. The other commitments or work projects, like I had taken on too much and then [00:34:00] wasn't able to follow through on all of it and was very stressed out by it.
And so, For me, the times that I've gotten burned out, a good strategy for me has been to like focus on the bare minimum. You know, like, what do I just really need? And those are just basic things like getting enough rest and eating or if you don't feel like eating, just forcing yourself to, to be nourished and get nourishment.
Um, you know, we have a lot going on with children obviously, and they don't always need all that much anyway, so it's. It's just about slowing the whole family down in a way, like putting on the brakes and saying, okay, we're gonna, we're gonna go slow. We're gonna go like 25 miles an hour for a little while.
Yeah. And that's okay. Nobody, nobody's worse off for it. You know? Nobody's missing out. Yeah. Um, there are times in life when we just need to slow down. Yeah. And, and
Mel: actually that our kids benefit from that too. Right. Um, they do. My daughter, I [00:35:00] think she's my constant reminder to slow down 'cause she just lives life that way and she doesn't like it when we try to make her go fast.
And, and, um, when I can get out of my head, I am like, oh yeah, you're right actually,
Emily: that is what we do. I so be right. Yeah. Yeah, I think so too. I don't think kids, I don't think kids need to go as fast as we often make them go. Yeah, I think kids really benefit from downtime and from having enough time to just discover things spur of the moment, you know, kind of in random ways, and having time to, to discover their own games and, you know, get bored and all of that.
I think it's really, really good for them and I sometimes lament how. How scheduled things seem during childhood. You know, in this day and age, it's completely different from the time when I grew up. And part of it's probably unavoidable too, but, [00:36:00] um, you know, I think it's good for us as parents to remember that like none of it's the end of the world.
I mean, nothing's really resting on each one of these extra activities we have going on. Like none of them is predictive of some. Event in the future that's gonna work out or not. It's, yeah, that part of, it's kind of us just projecting into the future. It's not really reality. Yeah. Kids just, they need to be able to breathe.
They need to, they need to not be stressed. You know? There's plenty of time in life later to be stressed. It doesn't have to start and childhood. Yeah.
Mel: Yeah. I totally agree. We actually, we've made, this year has been a year of intentionally slowing down for us and we're. There's lots of bumps along that journey, but, um, yeah, we've decided to change schools in September for my older one, specifically to one that's four days a week.
And, um, and for a variety of other reasons. But the main one was like, which one of these [00:37:00] things that we're looking at, which one's gonna slow life down more? Right. And, you know, yeah. Intentionally saying, no, let's do one dance class, not two. Because actually, yeah, we wanna go out every night of the week, we wanna.
Emily: Be home and just being,
Mel: um, yeah, and he does too, you know, like, like my kids do as well, really benefit from that, that space and that time. And, um, so slowing down I think is, is. I think it's a real gift that our kids actually can remind us of that. And um, it's definitely one of my biggest practices that have been the most beneficial in my life is to the moments where I even, and I even mean that's life I was talking about, but even moments where I slow down or beneficial, right?
Where I'm like, I can feel myself talking too fast in an interview, for example. And it's like, okay, just take a breath for a second. Slow down. Um, And, uh, I use nature a lot personally to do that as well, but [00:38:00]
Emily: yeah. Um, so tell, tell us a little bit about you. You told
Mel: us a little bit about your work earlier, um mm-hmm.
And, and how dreams have kind of fit into your life up until now. What does that, what does that look like now?
Emily: Well, now I, I do, I do envision myself having. A little more time as my children get older, and I've always, I've always had the dream of being a writer, and I think I'll probably try and write more and more.
I, I mean, I do currently write in my current work, I've been working in marketing, community management and communications for the past almost 10 years. And I have, I had, um, before my daughter was born, I had a pretty long career in public health, so I was doing a lot of research and working with researchers.
Managing research projects with, with different people. And I had, there was a writing component to that, but um, I did realize at some point that I, I [00:39:00] have a bit of a call to write more creative creatively and more personally beyond things that are more academic or, you know, marketing related. And so I've, I've been trying to sort of craft my work, you know, each iteration of my work becomes more and more creative.
And I'm always thinking, okay, this is the one. But often I get there and realize, oh, there's gonna be another step in the future too, to make this even more creative, more aligned with me. Yeah. So when I was, when I was working in research in public health research, I was, I was doing a lot of, uh, academic writing, obviously scientific articles and things like that.
And then I, from there I went into, um, the field of kind of knowledge translation. So transferring. Science into communications products that people can understand, sort of general public, you know, people that may read, wanna learn about science, but they're not scientists. And that was, that was fun and exciting.
But at the [00:40:00] same time I realized, I think I wanna even write, you know, so stuff that's more creative. So, Now, lately I've been writing a lot of poetry. I've always done a lot of journaling, and I'm starting to work on a, a book project that'll probably take a while, but I am, you know, I'm really looking at how can I use the small amounts of time I have to start working on the things I really wanna work on and not put them off completely just to.
We have these dreams that we wanna pursue, and sometimes we think, oh, I need to completely quit my job, or I need to have, I need to free up 30 hours a week. And actually, I think you can take small steps and make progress on things. Um, it, it's just, for me, it's a situation of trying to kind of lower expectations and, and be really happy with the things I managed to do because I, I do a lot given all that I have on my plate.
And, um, I. I've, I've done an amazing job with my kids. I do a great [00:41:00] job with my kids and I, I don't have a lot of spare time for other things, so I try to set sort of small goals and see if I can't make headway on the things that I wanna do, just in, you know, the little bits of time that I have. But I, I, I definitely still, at some point in the future, I foresee that I'll have more time freed up and I, I would like at that point to.
Really embark on something creative, something that occupies, you know, a good portion of my time and that's very creative. Whether that might be writing a book of poetry, perhaps, or, um, I don't know, creating some sort of writing community that would be something that would be fun for me as well. I am pretty intuitive, so I, I think I'm kind of like looking for guidance and sort of open to see how the pieces come together.
I'm trusting that hopefully the pieces will come together 'cause I, I dunno exactly what it's gonna look like in the future. Yes.
Mel: I love, I love all of that. [00:42:00] I love that you. I love the, like I can see your face, others can't, but your, your energy has just shifted. You're like, you a smile on your face. She is like, yeah, I can visualize maybe something that will feel like this.
I dunno exactly what it looks like yet. And that's okay. And, um, I think that's really beautiful because it can be really easy for anyone really to get hung up on what is the, the big. Dream, right? Yeah. And if we, and we spend all our time figuring out what that is, instead of just doing and trying and experimenting and like you say, setting little goals, you're like, okay, I know it's something to do in the creative sphere.
I like writing. Let's try this and then see how it feels. And then let's try that and see how it feels. And, um, And it's really admirable that you're able to get that mindset of, of taking those little baby steps and, [00:43:00] um, not worrying about the end result too much. Right. It, it'll be there. And I, it excites you.
I can see that it excites you that it's there. And if you can't put your words on it yet, that's okay.
Emily: Yeah, it does, it does excite me. It is, and I, I completely agree with what you just said. At the same time, I admit that I've, There have been times where I've been like extremely heartbroken and devastated as well.
Like, because I've just thought to myself, oh my gosh, I have these things I wanna do and I have no time. And you know, I, I mean, I do spend a lot of my time going from, you know, school i e p meetings, to therapies, to doctor's, appointments, to all of these things. Yeah. For my daughter and also my son, you know, still needs things as well.
And so I've. I come to this point of going, you know, working with these small goals and I'm committed to it, but it's not because I haven't also been quite down at the bottom of the barrel. 'cause I really have, I mean, I've, [00:44:00] I've had many times where I was full of energy and embarking on things and really felt momentum.
And then I've had a lot of times where I've, you know, in my perspective, again, hit up against the very harsh reality that. You know, I am a caregiver and I, my children are still young and living at home, and I am, I'm not yet retired and I don't yet have the capacity to, to work on personal, creative things.
You know, I, I, I work and I raise children, and I also, I try to make my life as you know, exciting and fun as possible. You take a lot of trips with the kids. But there are some personal things I wanna do, and I, I haven't given up on it at all, but it has not come as fast as I wanted. I will be honest about that.
It has not, it has not come as fast as I wanted. And there's been times when I've [00:45:00] compared myself against other women who don't have children, you know, and it's, it's easy to feel bad about yourself when you look around and see what maybe other peers are doing who don't have children. Or maybe they do have children and they're doing it anyway.
I don't, 'cause you know, there's that as well. Um, and it's, it's really like this, for me, this process of coming back over and over again and saying like, you know what, whatever the reason, like it's okay to be me. It's okay to be where I am. It's okay to be in this struggle and want these things. And it's okay to also not have it right now.
It's okay to just be on the path. And I, I still am on the path and I think I will be for a while. Yeah, it's like, it's the path of
Mel: life though, right? Like it's the path of figuring it all out and of the different, like seasons is the new word that I'd seem to like, but the, the seasons of your life that will come and go and, [00:46:00] and, um, the ability for you to hold onto that, that vision, which may not even be in words yet, but it's a feeling.
Like I can come a sense. Yeah. Like I think you know what it is without knowing what it is, if that makes sense. But you know, you're like, yeah, I have these, I, I can see this life that will one day be some version of, or feel like some version of, um, whatever this is. But I think you also make a really good point that life, life will.
Change and our, and we will change based on what's happening within it. And that's okay.
Emily: Right? That's okay. Yeah. Yeah. We have to, yeah. I mean, we, we, we are changing. We are changing right now. Our world is changing right now. Everything's changing constantly. Yeah. It would, it would be nice to have a bit of a break.
Right. Just to pause for a little while, like I've often thought, how much would I love it if right now I could just press pause for like the next month? Just rest. Yeah. [00:47:00] And then when I'm fully rested, I'll plus play again.
Mel: Wouldn't that be amazing? Right. It's your superpower to, uh, manifest into your
Emily: life there.
Yeah, exactly. That would, that would be wonderful. Yeah. That, that would be wonderful. Yeah. But at, at all levels, you know, it's really, it really always comes back to just focusing on right now where we are and what we need. You know, because no matter how fast the world is going, I mean, we can feel pressure to, to do it, to keep up with it, to keep going, but we also do have the choice and the opportunity, you know, if we can find it within ourselves to resist that, we can, we can slow down, we can, we can rest.
We just sometimes, you know, life puts you in like uncomfortable situations sometimes to try and. Make the choices that you need to make it, it seems like so impossible because, you know, so-and-so's gonna be offended, this other person's counting on you. Yeah.
Mel: Um, yeah, [00:48:00]
Emily: and, and that is, I think, I think it's very hard in general for most people to admit to others that, you know, look, I I need this right now.
I can't do it all. You know, please be patient with me. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard.
Mel: Yeah. And what's coming up for me is this, um, this idea that, that we don't need to chase our dreams, right? We can hold them in our life right now and this vision of, you know, where we want it to be. And, and it sounds a bit woo woo, but it, it, in some ways, it'll just happen as long as we can hope it and believe in it and take tiny little steps like, you know, you're, yes, you have a crazy life and you're making that intentional space, however, often you are capable to.
Sit down and, and do something that [00:49:00] brings you joy. You know, try that creative process that's taking that little step towards what that, that dream might be without chasing. Right. Yeah. And it's, that's the same, you know, like I, you'll know that like if we chase happiness, we're less likely to get it right.
Yeah. Which is a really strange concept to think about it. So it's like, well, how do I get it without knowing, you know, you can kind of second guess all that, but chasing is this like almost, uh, it's a, I can't even describe it 'cause it's a feeling and I'm pointing to my like, heart chest area right now.
'cause that's what it is. It's this, it's this. Uh, Both positive energy, but also like kind of a revved up, like have to, should almost energy. Yeah. As opposed to this, um, being energy of like, okay, here's my dream, here's what it is. I'm gonna hold it tight and I'm gonna make sure I keep revisiting it and then imagine myself doing it.
And that [00:50:00] will get closer to what it actually looks like without having to feel regret for not doing
Emily: all of that right now. No, I think you're, what you're talking about is a much better strategy actually. It's much, it's a really positive practice and a great thing to be able to keep it with you now, but lose the whole chasing portion of it because it's true.
And the things that we chase, I mean, it's, the faster we go, the more elusive it is. It's just, you know, if we chase it, it's 'cause we don't have it. It's because we perceive that, that we can't get it. That it's all very urgent and, and different. Typical, you know, it's like really forcing and pushing things and whereas when we, when we just envision and be with the elements that we already do have and keep a hold of the things still that we want, it's a much, I think it's a much easier process.
It's just like, you know, so counterintuitive to [00:51:00] the way that we tend to normally think about things.
Mel: Exactly. And it's so, um, it's so tempting to chase, right? I, I have that energy. I wanna, I wanna chase, and it comes back to that phrase you were saying about slow down. Um, I have a friend who, who frequently told me, she's like, actually right now we need to slow down to speed up.
Right? Yeah. Because if we just go fast, fast, fast, eventually we'll just crash. Right? Yeah. Where instead, if we slow down now, we'll be able to speed up later.
Emily: Yeah. And generally when we go, sounds what you're doing. We wanna slow anyway, right? Yeah, yeah. We say, well, if I go faster, then I'll finally be able to slow down.
Actually, we should just slow down now. Exactly.
Mel: Exactly. Why aim for, usually the vision involves slowing down. Right, exactly. Usually some part of the dream involves you being able to just be with it. It's like well be with it right now before it [00:52:00] even happens. Yes. And I truly do believe that. Uh. I don't know what it is, but our, if we can hold that so closely and revisit it often that our energy moves, even if we are not making intentional goals towards it.
Right. It, it just because the intention is there to move, but we're sitting with it and we're allowing it to do that now that's different than resisting it and not doing anything, then it won't happen. Right, right. Like the Right, yeah.
Emily: Different, yeah. Well, there's a part of us, if we can remember to be open, we can remember that there's oftentimes things that happen that are really, really good for us, that change a ton and that don't require any effort on our part.
I mean, it's almost like life circumstances arrange themselves in a way that can bring us something wonderful. Yeah, and actually we didn't really have any part in it. It's, I think we fall into the habit of thinking [00:53:00] that everything I want, I have to do something in order to make it happen. And actually some things I do and make something happen, but many things in my life have happened without me actually doing much.
Yeah. So that too is possible. It's definitely a possibility. And when we realize that things can come into our life in many different ways, it, I think helps us, like as you said, hold on to kind of the vision, but remain open and not feel the pressure of thinking, oh, well if I want that, you know, if I wanna.
If I want that, then that means I'm, I have to, you know, back things out and start planning and develop all of these goals and I need to do this, and I need to do that, and I need to work this many hours. And, um, it is a, it is a very powerful thing to just say, well, yes, I, I want, I have these dreams, this is what I want.
And, um, I'm not going to think that the only way to get there is, you know, this one [00:54:00] particular way in which I have to struggle. And stretch and run myself ragged, you know, getting there. 'cause there's many ways. Yeah.
Mel: And still attaching, like giving that designated time to allow yourself to remember that dream, right?
Because that's where the things, those things that you don't think you did anything to get them there. Like you didn't, maybe physically, but the fact that you kind of. The fact that you thought that you thought about them. You know, like say you're like, I wanna write a book, right? So you're saying I wanna write a book, but you're not saying I have to like, Take a retreat for two months from my kids and go into the trees and write this book, right?
Like, you're not taking this drastic move, but you're saying, I wanna bike this, write this book, and I've got it in my mind that that is going to happen at some point in my life. This is gonna happen in whatever way it ends up happening. And then suddenly you might find that you are out with your kids, I wanna say at a playground, but you're probably beyond that.
[00:55:00] But wherever you might be and, and you happen to meet. An editor next to you and talk about writing a book. You know, like, I think these things happen be, and we notice them when we start to think about them, right? Yes. We wouldn't, might not notice that pattern. That's the way our brains work. We see things that we want, like, you know, we see patterns.
Mm-hmm. Um, so I think that's kind of for me, how manifesting works. Like if we can visualize what we really, really want, then we start to notice the things that will get us there. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't necessarily,
Emily: yeah. Yeah. Life absolutely works that way. 'cause that, that is, that is how it works. It's like you're thinking about doing something or, and you don't have much pressure about it, but you're kind of daydreaming about it.
And then yes, you, you happen to talk to somebody at the grocery store who mentions something and it's, you know, the exact thing that you need in that time. Exactly. And you're thinking, what were the chances? Right. [00:56:00] Exactly. Right. And this happens all the time. It happens all the time. It's actually very frequent for many people, you know?
Yeah.
Mel: Yeah. That's really fascinating. Okay. , so we need to start to wind down, but I'm curious if what you would like our listeners to hear in relation, like, what's your top tip to, to a mom who is. Wanting to be mom and wanting to, to make a difference in another way in society and maybe is similar to you in that that life is not, can feel sometimes, like life is not allowing us to do that.
Right. What would you say to that, mom?
Emily: Well, I think one of the first things I would say is you're already doing so much. I mean, of course we know that. Being a mother and being a parent are some of the most important things in the world to do in terms of making an impact. [00:57:00] I mean, I, raising a good human being is probably the biggest impact anyone can make in terms of making a better world, you know, and then helping the planet.
Uh, at the same time, I, I very much know that people wanna do more, you know, they, like you said at the beginning of this talk, We do, we do wanna be moms. We love it. It's like, for me, it's probably the most important thing in my life, but that doesn't mean there's nothing else I wanna do too. You know, it's not then suddenly that I have no other ideas, no other dreams, no other goals.
Um, I think I would just say to most moms, like the same thing that's been most important for me is. Focus, you know, think about how to really listen to yourself and really believe in yourself because it really is possible. I mean, you can be a great mom and love being a mom, and that can be a center of your life.
And there's [00:58:00] also so many other things that are possible. You know, if, if you can just believe in yourself and listen. Listen to what you really wanna do, listen to what you really need, be honest with yourself, even if it's hard. And there, there really, you know, I know there's no limit to, to the amount of things that we can bring into our lives.
There really isn't. And especially when you're thinking about that, these things can be easy. They don't always have to be hard. They don't even always require extra time or extra energy. Um, I think that's probably what I would share with other moms. That's wonderful. Thank you.
Mel: And,
is there anywhere else if people wanna reach out to you, is that, is that, something you would like? And if so, where would they
Emily: find you? Oh yes. Anyone can reach out to me who wants to, , they can, you know, they can reach me by email. They can reach [00:59:00] me at my website, which is b serve thrive.com. They can follow me on Instagram at b Serve Thrive, or I'm open to just about any method of conduct if anyone wants to talk to me.
Amazing. And tell us
Mel: about B Serve, thrive. I haven't heard these words yet.
Emily: Be Serve Thrive is my, is my coaching website. 'cause I do , coaching and mentoring for other parents. That's one way of reaching out to me. Connecting to me. And by email as well. , Emily [email protected].
Mel: Amazing. Thank you so much for
Emily: joining today. Thank you so much. It's been really wonderful to talk to you. It's a very enlightening conversation.
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