Permission to want more
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/I reckon it's time to acknowledge the big elephant in the room. The fact that it is okay to want more. As a mom. It's okay. To want more.
And this episode is a little episode where we will talk [00:01:00] about exactly that. And compare it to meaning and purpose and why this might be that we really want a little bit more in our life. And we will touch in on the natural feeling that we get as mums who want to one people please, who are mothers, so want to make sure our kids are the top of our priority list. And the guilt that can sometimes come along with that so stick around
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I thought I'd start with a little story about. When I was deciding. Exactly who it is that I wanted to work with and what I wanted to do with them. And honestly, this is a. Never ending shifting. Choice. But many of you, if you've ever gone into the business kind of world, Have been encouraged to niche down.
Right. Who is exactly the person that you [00:02:00] want to work with? And I always really struggled with this because inclusivity is a. Very strong value of mine. And I didn't want to exclude anybody from being able to work with me.
So in going back and forth on this, I ended up having a coaching session with Carrie grumbly, who you actually will get to hear from before too long. I just finished the interview with her. And. I came to realize that. My hesitation.
Was a fear. And.
I realized I really wanted to work with moms. With the mothers of the world. And not just moms, but moms who have this craving too. Be more than mom. Right to be [00:03:00] mom and more. And. Who were really had this desire around. Wanting to make a difference in the wider world, as well as being mom and making a difference.
Via their kids and within their house. And. I was absolutely scared.
it was. I came to realize that I was stopping myself from. Narrowing down to working specifically with you. If it's probably listening to this. Because.
I was afraid of. What people would think if I said I wanted to be more. Right. And I have a feeling that you might have that exact same fear.
I was afraid that if I put myself out there as someone who will help. [00:04:00] Along these lines and who will spread the message that it is okay. To be moment more that I wouldn't be able to. Speak back to the naysayers. And at that point I wasn't, but you know what, as soon as I realized, that's what it was.
Something shifted in me. And I was like, hell yeah, that's what I wanted to do. Right. That is what I still want to do. I want to help you help moms who.
I always have this feeling that. They want to get out there and make a bigger, wider difference in the world because I truly believe that it is moms who can make this biggest difference. And.
So that's, that's what I'm here doing. And it. The more, I talk about it, the easier that becomes and the more I look into.
Meaning and [00:05:00] purpose and everything else that we talk about on this podcast, the more. Easy. It gets right. The easier it gets. To just put this all out there and I, a hundred percent can talk to the naysayers now and let me put this straight. This was about a year ago. It wasn't a long time ago that I was like, no way. Can I do that?
Right.
And because now I'm ready to challenge. I just got to this point where I was ready to challenge the status quo, which is kind of what I'm about. And say no, of course I love my children. A huge part of my purpose in life is to. Help and enable my children to grow into the best versions of their selves and my day to day tasks and things that I do.
Reflect upon that [00:06:00] purpose. And there are huge parts of it that I absolutely love. I love my children more than anything in the world. The fact that I've had them, the. You know, all of those things and it can be a challenge. It often is a challenge. To do what I do with them.
And alongside this, I've always had a feeling. Deep within my belly and soul. If that's where you want to go. That.
I want to do more and then I can do more. And that there's. I see so many things in this world that I want to shift so many justices. That need.
To shift. Right. So many things that are not going the way they should. And because I am this person who sees possibility. [00:07:00] I have always felt that it was somehow my role to. Help others see that possibility as well. And. Move. Our world in a. Better direction. Than it currently is. And so. I share that story with you because I have a feeling that maybe you've been thinking some of the same things.
Right. Maybe you've been sitting in there. And. Some days you absolutely love your life and where you're at. And. Feel full purpose within being a parent. And some days. Alongside that you still have this whisper inside of you. saying
I want to make an even bigger difference. And I want to [00:08:00] matter. And.
That's what today's episode is all about. And there is science behind a lot of this stuff, right? This is a feeling that it is okay. Is okay to have this feeling. There's no shame. Necessary and having this feeling, you can be an incredible mother. And. Want more. Okay. Like that's. If, if you get one thing from today's episode, that is the thing.
That I want you to remember that it is okay. To want more and you are still an incredible. Mother.
You have permission. To want and be more. And I don't say do more. Right because you're doing a lot. Probably too much. What I mean is be more. And. The dues have that come [00:09:00] alongside it as you will work out in your life, but you can be more, you can be mom and. Right. You can be mama and the adventure. Maybe you used to be. You can be mama and the change maker, you can be mom and.
Anything. Honestly, anything that you're wanting to be out there and doing.
So before I move on to some of the science and what it says. Around this and talking more about mattering, meaning and purpose.
I thought it would be worth sharing. The thing that helps helped me and still helps me.
Overcome that feeling of guilt, perhaps that comes with this because we have been trained in our society to feel like we should like be in mom should be enough. Right. And. [00:10:00]
And there is this risk that.
Focusing on something else and always wanting more and striving. Is also not a positive thing for us in our life. Right. So to counteract that. One of the best things we can do is saver. Practice savoring. PAC to savory in life, the tiny things that are in it. And alongside savory and of course comes gratitude.
And savoring those tiny moments with our kids and our partner. If we have one and our animals and. Even savoring the tiny bit of food that you're able to eat and putting the phone down and. And really thinking about where it came from and the flavors that you're tasting in your mouth and savoring can take so many different shapes. [00:11:00] We can do it in literally every moment of our life and the more we practice it, the better we get at it.
And the more positive emotion that we feel. So. Being able to save her and really focus on that savory and keeps us out of that space of striving for more. And instead.
Balances it balances savoring with this desire for.
More. Right for this desired to. Make a difference and add value and feel like we matter.
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So I thought I'd put that out there as a little balancing tool. And.
Let's talk a little bit about mattering. I am in the middle of reading a book [00:12:00] called how people matter. Why it affects health. Happiness love work in society and it's by Isaac and Ora Prelilltensky. And it is in credible. As someone who highly values.
Possibility and purpose. Uh, these are key topics within this, and it's all based on tons and tons of research and science that they've pulled together. And. Put into these. Words that they write. And I wanted to share a little bit about what they talk about in here, because. It all. Comes back to what we're talking about here and this real craving as humans to have meaning and have purpose.
And we all have that craving and some of us. Can find. That for a certain amount of time in being a parent. And that is absolutely incredible. And I do have that within [00:13:00] being a parent. And there's, there's something missing. Sometimes at least there was before I started pursuing. My external purpose to the family.
Um, which all still relays back to the family. Of course. And okay. So. There is something that they call the mattering wheel. In their book that they use, uh, to talk through most of their concepts. And it's reproduced with permission from John Wiley and sons. And. I recommend having a look at this book, by the way, and looking up their work.
But in the meantime, I will describe this visual. So we have. Picture. Uh, circle. Right? So in the middle, you've got a circle that says mattering. And around mattering, you have one side of it that is feeling valued. And the other side of it that is adding value. Right. [00:14:00] So.
I think these are two really important.
Parts of recognizing why we feel the way we do as moms sometimes. Right. And it's because our mattering bucket, if you want to consider at that or circle in this case, Is not being filled. Appropriately.
And.
The feeling valued. Part of it definitely comes in. I don't know about you, but there's definitely, you know, our kids are, especially if you have young children, like I do a minor five and nine right now.
They're still in a very self-absorbed stage of their life. They're just not quite at that next stage yet. Maybe the older one is, but. Developmentally. They think a lot about themselves because that's what they need to do in order to survive and grow and flourish. [00:15:00] And therefore.
If I depend on them from making me feel valued. I am not going to. I get my needs met. Right. Because. Sure I can train them to say thank you and all those things and say, I love you. And. But actually. That's still not going to fill that bucket for me. Right because they don't quite know how to say it from the heart very often.
Yet. And uh, feeling valued at home can be a tricky one. And. I know I am. And sometimes I don't always feel it right. So feeling valued is on one side of this circle and the other side is adding value. And I think this is where this book really stands out for me because. It talks about going from a me culture to a [00:16:00] we culture.
And. In thinking about who I want to work with and the. The purpose and my meaning and my big audacious dream of where I want to go and what I want to do. This ties it up actually for me. Right? Not only do I want to focus on myself and feel valued because I'm adding because I'm lean and doing good in the world. I want to add value.
I want to make a difference in the world that it is through that, that I will feel like I matter. And.
For me, that's through helping other people feel all those things. Right. But it could look. Like anything. To you. So that's the circle around mattering and then they have one. Uh, more circle around it with sections. So each side, the feeling valued side has self relationships, work and community.
And the adding value side has self relationships work in community. [00:17:00] So. If we were to feel fully and completely, like we matter, then we will have filled all the buckets in all of these things. Right.
So even if in my relationships, I feel valued at home. If I don't feel it's like I'm adding.
If I don't feel valued in my. Community like. I matter, but also I don't feel like I'm adding value. Elsewhere at work or at a. In the community or in friendships or partnerships. But also adding value to myself, right? Like I have to fill all of these buckets and I find this absolutely fascinating, and it is human nature to feel like.
To need to feel like we matter. Right. So it makes sense. That you might not feel right. If you don't feel like you matter because [00:18:00] your buckets are not all getting. Filled. And I think this is such an important and. Valuable thing to note.
And I'm going to read a little quote from. Page 18 in their book here, which says by feeling valued, we mean feeling worthy. Acknowledged and appreciated. By adding value. We mean making a meaningful contribution. To yourself and others. And I love this because one of the other quotes, I always I'm pretty much basing my entire business and podcast on is one that, um,
Was shared to me by lady Emilia in my course on positive psychology, which is, has humans.
We are designed. To do something. That is.
Bigger than [00:19:00] ourselves together with others.
Right. Um, and I think these two things go. Go together. So that is. Something that I really wanted to share with you is this concept about mattering. And we, we do, we have this, this need to make a difference in the world. And we are doing that through our children. Firstly, we are making a difference in the world.
By helping our children to grow into incredible people. Who ideally also want to make a difference in the world. And I want to make a bigger difference in the world than even that. Right. And. And the way I do that is through showing my kids. The big difference that I can make in the world.
I'm going to read you another little section of their book, which is page 22.
Because it talks about the positive feedback loop that we can create by [00:20:00] meeting both our needs and that of the community. So they say, when others make you feel like you matter, You're more likely to have confidence to play an active role in their lives. And the more assets you bring to your community, the more likely you are to receive positive feedback.
In gendering, a positive feedback. Leap.
So the more we give, the more we get and it all goes in a circle. Right. So let's give more. Let's let's allow ourselves to.
Add that value outward. So let's allow ourselves to dream big and figure out. What contribution we, it is that we want to give to the world. And.
Then we will. Create this loop.
I'm going to read one more little section for [00:21:00] you. And this is on the need to add value in chapter three. And it says to matter is. It is not enough to feel appreciated and recognized. So I don't need like people to say, oh, you're so great, Mel, all the time. Being valued is a necessary, but insufficient condition for mattering.
To feel fully human and to matter, we need skills and opportunities to add value, to make a contribution to ourselves and others. In short, we need to move from a me culture to a we culture. And the latter, , we pay attention to the wellness and fairness. To personal interests and the common good.
To feeling valued and adding value. To rights and responsibilities. And I really like this because we're at risk, of course, in our society . That in our very like individualized way of thinking about. The me, me, like, I [00:22:00] don't feel right in. In my life right now. So I need to focus on me. Yes, we need to focus on me, but we also need to focus on.
We write like that circle that I just talked about and. That adding value is such a big, big part of it. And, uh, I think it's beautiful. If you are sitting there thinking that you have always wanted to add value. Maybe, maybe you've never used those words. I don't think I've ever used those words before they were put in front of me in this way, but I've always known that I wanted to do good.
Right. I've always known that. Somehow, I want to make a difference because when I make a difference, it makes me feel like I matter, right. And because the world is bigger than just little old me and it's bigger than my little family. And. I truly believe that we are all here to make a difference in the world. That is our job. That is our purpose. That is why we were on this [00:23:00] earth to go and make a difference in the world.
And in order to do that, we also have to make a difference to ourselves and work on ourselves.
And we can do that. Well, we're doing the other thing, right? Like it's, it's not a one than the other. It's kind of this funny mismatch. Right. And, , We get to focus in on what we love and enjoy and practice the things that bring us. Delight.
And through that, then thinking about. Like, how do I use this to.
Do common. Good. How do I use this to make the world a better place? And that's such a beautiful thing. To think. And if that's been something that you've been thinking about at home, then that is so much more important than the guilt that we will naturally feel. By saying that we want to do something outside of our house with our kids, or by saying that we want to [00:24:00] take the risk to leave the job that is not fulfilling us because it's not making a difference in the world in the way that we thought it would.
So I'm going to leave you with that today with the recommendation to read how people matter by Isaac and Ora Prilleltensky and.
With this thought. What if.
It was the best possible thing you can do.
For you, your family and the world. Too. dream big To make that change that you've been thinking about. To have a big audacious dream.
And go do it. What if. What if that was the best possible thing you could do for everyone?
And I think if you go and do that, [00:25:00]
You'll feel meaning. And you'll feel purpose. And you'll feel like you matter. Again, If not for the first time.
So please do. Please go. Do you. Please go be you. And allow yourself to expand into the beautiful person that you are and can be. And.
Let me know how it goes.
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