Episode 7: Darci Hawxhurst
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[00:00:00] In this episode, we meet. Darcy Hawxhurst who has a pretty incredible story. About helping build pathways in her daughter's brain. To help her do things that many doctors never thought possible after giving her many, many labels of disability. Throughout we hear about the journey of.
[00:01:00] Darcy's daughter Haley, but we also hear about how Darcy finds this journey and the effects and learning she has had, which now have given her the drive towards a new, big audacious dream of her own. It's truly a fascinating listen. But a quick trigger warning. At right at the beginning, we dive straight into some scary talk about baby and NICU. So if you aren't in the right space for that to serve you, please press pause and come back at a time. That's right for you.
Also full disclaimer, the opinions of our guests are theirs alone, and we in no way, advise you to go against the knowledge of doctors and professionals, please go and have a chat with them. It should anything. Come up that you are feeling the need for medical advice. All right. Let's dive in
Mel: Hi Darcy. Thanks so much for joining
Darci: us. Hey Mel. Thanks for having me.
Mel: Do you wanna start by maybe just telling us a little bit about who you are, where you're from, those kind of [00:02:00] things?
Darci: Yeah, it's funny, I, who am I? Like that's, uh, interesting how to, cause I know your audience is a lot of moms and I would say I would struggle to define myself if I were honest.
I'd have to say I'm Haley's mom, hard to define myself outside of that, although I am at a place in my life where that's beginning to happen. So we're gonna talk about that. But yeah, I live in Bloomington, Indiana. I am a human mom and mom to a beautiful golden retriever. I'm a certified health and fitness coach.
I'm a, um, language and literacy specialist. And over the years I've worn many different hats, basically all in this role. I think if I really had to dig deep and define myself by something truly authentic, I would say I've always had a passion for wanting to teach people and invite them to see more. I think we need to look deeper and, um, yeah, look a [00:03:00] little deeper to see what's really going on.
Mel: Hmm. It's so intriguing in that phrase. I can't wait to find out more about what that means. , that's awesome. So, a little bit more about Hailey, and that story.
Darci: Yeah. So here's the background. Uh, and like I said, I'm writing a memoir about this, so I'll, I'll just, I'll give the, you know, the synopsis here.
But basically I was a, um, I was still in college, you know, I was a young single mom and when my daughter, Haley was 12 days old, she came down with spinal meningitis in the middle of the night, fever of 104. And, uh, we almost lost her. So, you know, it's amazing how when I look back and begin to tell that story of how we, you know, took her temperature and raced her into the hospital in the middle of the night, this tiny newborn baby, how I had no idea really what was beginning [00:04:00] to unfold and how it was the beginning of, honestly, the grandest adventure I could ever have imagined for my own life.
Um, so. She did survive a couple of really tense, terrible nights in the N I C U A transfer to, um, a children's hospital nearby and, you know, emergency transfer. Um, lots of testing, lots of medications, lots of, for me, pacing the hall, um, awake in the middle of the night under fluorescent lights, rubbing a single newborn sock that I had found kind of left in my pocket, was all that I could hold of her, you know, because she was in an incubator with tubes and wires coming out of everywhere.
You know, I, every couple of hours I would march down the stairs down into this terrible, [00:05:00] dark janitors closet where they kept the breast pump back in those days, like, you know, to go into this terrible dark, there was like one rickety old wooden chair for me to sit on and express my breast milk. That was sort of, that was my act of faith that she was gonna need that, you know, that whatever was happening, I needed to have a milk supply for when she was ready.
And so, yeah, I went and expressed my breast milk so they could feed her through a tube in her nose. Um, and yeah, those days and nights blurred into a couple of weeks. When we were finally sent home, I was sent home with this tiny, you know, month old baby with a long list now of disability labels changed everything.
I thought about her and me and who we were gonna become. And a big bottle of Phena Bartol. And I was just told, you know, take her home and raise her like a quote unquote normal [00:06:00] child. And I had no idea what that even meant. I didn't even know how to sleep in a dark room. I had no idea that honestly this was, and I did.
I just wanted to get back to quote unquote normal life, whatever I thought that was going to be. Um, I hadn't really imagined a motherhood for myself yet. You know, I was really just kind of being swept along with the momentum of what felt like choiceless choices at the time. And I look back now and I can see how this was an invitation to something really powerful and sacred.
And now to get the chance to share it with, with all of you, , really gives me goosebumps all over my body right now because I realize there is something here that I've learned that I see a lot of people struggling with, and that is,
What we believe about ourselves, our children, their possibilities, their [00:07:00] potentials all wrapped up in these labels. So by the time Haley was about four, um, she was falling behind, farther behind her peers in absolutely every way. She was on four different anti-convulsant medications, not counting the two that had caused like life-threatening, uh, reactions.
And by now I'm a absolute ball of stress. You know, I was the highest strung person. I knew everybody. People just kind of avoided me, you know, I was so cranky all the time. And, uh, because yes, you know why I was cranky and mom's out there, if you're cranky, um, it's normal to be cranky when you're terrified for the life of someone that means that much to you.
And it's normal to be cranky when you have absolutely that much weight on your shoulders. Um, you know, we have some mainstream systems around this, so we had tried everything. We had tried, you know, the drugs to stop the seizures. She [00:08:00] was at risk for seizures. Um, and she was, she was just behind in every way.
All, all the list of labels. I almost laugh now, so if, if I could reproduce them. So she had mild cerebral palsy. She had multiple affective disorders, which is a way to say that she tantrumed a lot. She was frustrated. I came to understand some different labels a little bit later when I learned more about the brain and the way it's organized and how her brain was not developing properly, and we eventually began to address those things.
But yeah, by the time she was four, she was cross-eyed. Cross-legged, um, spastic hyper unable to problem solve. She was behind in her language, she was behind in her, her emotional cognitive development, her gross and fine motor, and she was, she would have seizures. Um, and so yeah, she was miserable all the time and so was I.
So [00:09:00] it wasn't long after that. That was really the, the rock bottom I think was the night we spent, um, in the emergency room for a seizure. Haley had turned blue again in the middle of the night and I had to call an ambulance. And that, I mean, that, that combined with, you know, there was another, um, episode right near there where I had really had a meltdown.
But the point is they had to give her so much anti-convulsant medication to get these status epilepticus seizures to stop that she was, Unable to walk for about a week. So I have this four-year-old who is now developmentally like six months old. She was sleeping, um, all like for a week, you know, sleeping off the, the sedative effects of these medications that they had used to try to stop the seizures and couldn't eat, couldn't hold food down.
I was vomiting. So I had this ill child, um, in my lap, you know, I [00:10:00] was at my wits end and feeling this huge sense of just so hopeless and lost. And that was the weekend. Uh, right around that time that my mom had given me this note, she said, here's, here's a phone number I want you to call. I read an article when I was back in PT school and I think they still exist.
And I, you know, here's a lead. I want you to check this out. So I had called and talked to a woman. Um, this was a program that taught about neurological organization and it was. Like the paradigm shifting, uh, pioneers of child brain development. And I was, I was told to get the book, and if the book made sense to call back and that they would enroll me, you know, in the course, then I could begin to take the next steps toward what these solutions were going to be.
But I, I had Haley asleep in my lap and I just, I had like highlighted and earmarked almost every page of this book. And I realized, okay, so the sense of relief I'm feeling in my body is [00:11:00] telling me that there actually, there is hope and there are some answers here. I've just not been talking to any of the people that have them yet.
And that's where I need to go and this is what I need to do next. Now, I had no idea how to make it happen. I didn't have two nickels to rub together, let alone enough, you know, for the plane ticket and the cost of the course and who to leave Haley with while I was gonna do all of this. But I did know one thing and that was that I was, I was gonna do something and this felt like the right answer, so I was gonna follow it.
And, you know, fast forward a couple of decades, and I've got an adult healthy grown daughter who's an independent, successful college student. She's studying entrepreneurship and nutrition science and community health. And she's determined to make the paradigm shift for dementia patients care because she says, mom, that's brain injury.
And they say there's no [00:12:00] solution for it, but we already know there is. I've already lived it. So, um, there we are, you know? Um, now in a place where I can tell this story in a way that I hope feels empowering to others, because I know who I'm really talking to, is that Darcy who sat alone on that sofa feeling so hopeless all those many years ago, not knowing, not really knowing the how.
But I definitely knew the, what, you know, a lot of people, Mel, have given me praise and I, of course, it feels good to take compliments for sure, but only the ones I think that we really deserve. And I'll tell you what I have heard, because I dove into this. So, for 20 years, you know, I, I, I had to intentionally step into the welfare system.
I had to get section eight housing and food stamps so that I could devote all of my time and energy into learning how to do the program and staying [00:13:00] home to do the program with Haley. Like those were choices I had to make. Not always comfortable ones, but the right ones. And it's fascinating because, um, I, I look back and I think,
I think all I knew is what I didn't have people say, oh, look what you did. Look what you were able to do. Look how determined you are and how lucky Haley is to have a. You know this mother like you, and I don't know, you'd have to ask her if she really agrees with that, because there are plenty of times, you know, I was very driven.
I treated her like a project. I, you know, I have tons of flaws. But what people say is, oh my gosh, look what you were able to accomplish and look at all, you know, they wanna praise me for that. And I'll tell you this truth, the reason we were able to make this, this story work out with this, you know, this quote unquote happy [00:14:00] ending is because of what I didn't have.
And I simply was not able to accept the limitations that those labels placed as obstacles in front of my daughter's entire life journey. And I was not able to accept that that's who I was gonna be for the rest of my life. I just wasn't able to accept it. So it was really my flaws that were my greatest gift.
That allowed us to, I think, you know, like peel back these curtains that we are blinded by the, the curtains of normalcy, um, the curtains of, of what the mainstream paradigms both educational and, and the, the healthcare system, what, what they tell us is possible. Turned out it was a little more that was possible and I'm delighted to share that for anybody else who's feeling like I was and the way I was feeling it all I could [00:15:00] describe it.
The, it was a, it, it resounded up like this sense of, um, no, it just said no, like in every cell of my being down into my bones. The answer was just no, this cannot be it. And so if, if anybody else is feeling like that, I want you to know you can trust that. You can trust what comes up from within. And no, it wasn't an easy path.
And, and no, I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. It really was a grand adventure. Yeah. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that. There's
Mel: so much within that, and I think what I really pick out is your love and dedication for your daughter and really for yourself within that. You may not have been conscious of that in that moment, but that you know of that story that you really wanted to play, play out for you and your daughter.[00:16:00]
And the other thing I really noticed was this, this ability to like feel embodied. So like you, the way you're describing that is like my body is telling me no. And earlier, earlier in the conversation you were saying, Um, when you heard about this program that worked for you, your, you felt your body, your body felt this relief, and not everybody knows yet how to listen to that.
And that's what I would compliment you on is your ability to say, oh, hi, body. Like, that's how you're feeling right now. Maybe we should follow through with that
Darci: for sure. You know, I don't know if when I, I, that's the way I'm describing that story today, because yes, I, and I do credit this journey, these things that we have lived through both what I was able to help my daughter, you know, we had to heal a body through healing the brain.
Like she literally didn't have full sensation in her body. Like [00:17:00] you could poke the bottom of her left foot with a pin and she had no idea, like those nerves from the foot to the brain were out of commission, bridge was out. So we were gonna have to build that bridge. Why? Well, because if you wanna be able to walk, you need to be able to feel at the bottom of your feet what's happening, you know, at the ground level.
Like, um, so she, we literally had to rebuild sensory pathways, , for her and, and just noticing how that works and, and, and watching her become more fully embodied and making those connections with myself. Yeah. Plus that's just every human's life journey, isn't it? But women especially, I mean, if you think about it, you know, this, she literally came through my body, which is kind of another fun little bit of the story to tell when I I, the way I found out I was pregnant, of course, I, I took a, you know, a drugstore test, you know, to tell me for sure.
And then my mother dragged me to her ob, B [00:18:00] G Y N to tell us for sure. But I woke up with a dream and I felt like every. Cell in my body was on fire and there was music in the room, and these voices were singing, shes here. I thought she, who, what the heck is that? Well, you know, a couple days later missed period, and you know the story, but I realized like, so we literally are alive in a body.
Like the only way we get to move around and interact with this world and have a life experience is through our body. And it's true. So many of us are trapped at the level of, you know, just our thoughts and our, and our labels and our habits and, and so living that through my body, it's taken me some time to really be able to understand it, to trust it for sure.
And to articulate it the way I am today. That's been a journey, of course. So, you know, at the time I didn't realize, I would not have said like, oh, [00:19:00] these are my, my very embodied, this is, you know, The voice of the universe, or God, whatever you wanna call it, like speaking to me through the feelings of my body.
I just knew that I felt, it felt like pain to think about taking some of those options. Like to, every time I gave my daughter, she went to bed smelling like whiskey breath every night of her life. For the first six years of her life, she had to down a big cup of pheno, bartol. And every time I poured that cup and gave it to her, it hurt my stomach and my heart.
And I just thought that's something I had to live with. Now, on the other side of that, I look back and I can see very clearly how the truth was coming through my body, telling me I did not want to be doing that, you know? And so when and where do we give ourselves permission to let that be [00:20:00] what we decide, right?
We're taught the opposite. We're taught, suck it up. We're taught push through, you know? Yeah. And I would say, stop that. Like just today, just stop. If it doesn't feel good, just stop. Don't do anything that doesn't feel good. Now people are like, wait a minute, what do you mean? Waking up when I'm tired doesn't feel good either, but, you know, um, the things that hurt the most, I would say let those be redirections and see where that takes you.
And it's not always easy to see at first. I, I have this clarity looking back on the path. At the time, that path lit up only one step in front of me at a time. I, I literally had no idea exactly where it would go or how I just knew I was going, I knew I was going away from the pain of accepting that Haley would never be able to breathe, you know?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.[00:21:00]
Mel: Hmm. I need a breath after that. Yeah. Yeah. And um, I just really, I, I wrote down that phrase as you said it, when do we give ourselves permission and to, to listen to what our body and our brain is telling us and to hear it. And it's a real skill to tap in. And as you say, looking back is a lot easier than, in the moment.
It's actually very hard to do. But, uh, I, I love that phrase, and it's a skill that if we could all learn one skill that would change our lives, it would be that to listen to our bodies and our gut, especially as moms, and to give
Darci: ourselves that permission. Yeah, I think so. I really think so. I mean, and I'll tell you, there are plenty of times where I.
And because that's all I can really do is say from my own [00:22:00] experience, every time I go against that, it hurts. You know? Yeah. I mean, it, it hurts to feel hopeless about your child's, prognosis. It, it hurts to, to think of them as incapable. It hurts to see them as not succeeding in their lives. It hurts to be angry with them.
You know? It, it hurts to not provide the things that they need because we're told, you know, we're, we're, we're living out some somebody else's rules and expectations for how we should behave like, because the truth is there's not ever one right way. And, and every mother think about it, and this is, I've found this to be true, even if you're not a biological mother, but if you are a biological mother, that child came through you, there's a good chance that some of their cells are still swimming around in your bloodstream.
And, um, impact, I mean, this is fabulous research. We know [00:23:00] now, right? That the baby cells escape into the mother's bloodstream and they can circulate forever, impacting her brain, certain parts of the brain. So like you literally are connected that that human is always gonna be a part of you. So some of their cells are probably still in you.
That's why mother's instincts, mother's intuition should be trusted above anything else. And I, here's the other thing, like it, it finally dawned on me at the professionals, I couldn't do all of this by myself. I had, I had no idea what. The brain anatomy was, you know, I was 22 years old, I had no idea that was not my, I was gonna be an English teacher.
Uh, and so the point is, we need experts, right? We need information and knowledge and resources from outside us.
Mel: Yeah. I have so many questions that I wanna ask about Haley in that journey, but I'm, I'm gonna resist too many of them.
Mm-hmm. Because what I really, really want to [00:24:00] know is how that all affected you. Yeah.
Darci: / well, it's a good question, and I think that, um, that's something I'm just beginning to come to terms with. So I will tell you that as I write this story, I'm realizing that because I'm writing it from who I am now, it's much less about just, um, what we can learn about child brain development and, and the things that we need to do to help our kids, you know, reach their full potential and, and, and be vibrant, healthy, neurologically organized human beings.
It's, it's a lot more than just don't settle for a label of learning disabilities and that kind of thing. Because what I'm realizing is that yes, I was able to do all of this, but it did come at a high price to my own health. I mean, especially as a single mom. So trying to figure out where the money was gonna come from and who's [00:25:00] gonna like, you know, weed the garden and, and, um, you know, dog, you know, dog food and, and, and groceries and cleaning the bathroom and, you know, so what actually ended up happening, and I, I, I can't fault, I'm not faulting anyone else for this.
I did have, I mean, I had as good a support system as anybody could have. You know, my parents were nearby. They, they loved me. Um, you know, the, the people who, who knew and loved me did what they could. But we live, let's be honest, we live in a village list society where this was seen as my responsibility and no single human.
Whether they're married or not in a relationship or not with a family, or not the burden, maybe that's too strong of a word, but the responsibility of the entire health and development of small human beings was never meant to rest on one person. We did not evolve this way. So, yeah, [00:26:00] I burned out hard. I, my adrenals blew, and, um, I, pretty soon my thyroid came down, so the weight went on.
I ended up with food allergies. And, you know, the week that Haley was at her peak of her journey, she was invited to do, you know, the kid who had mild cerebral palsy and couldn't feel her left foot? She became a triathlete and a gymnast. And she was invited to, to do this gymnastics performance at the World Organization for Human Potential.
And it's a room full of like the brightest minds in like medicine and science and, you know, to, to show what, what brain injured children can be possible of. Like what, what is possible when their brain heals, what can be done, what she could do, who she was, she gets to perform this. I was covered head to toe with a painful, bright red, itchy rash.
I mean, to get dressed that day and even put like real clothes on was like the worst thing I ever had to do. I mean, and I had given birth, so I knew, I knew what pain was, but you know, [00:27:00] I, yeah, I really burned myself out and it took me, by the time we got home from that, she was at the top of her game. She never looked at herself quite the same way again.
And I collapsed into bed, you know, so what kind of a mom was I then? What kind of a homeschooler was I then, you know,
what, who could, who could depend on me then?
So it, that was a real, that was my rock bottom that really made me realize, made me wake up to the fact that ho ho all these tools, I've learned all this stuff about nutrition and rest and the brain, and I needed to be taking this advice for myself.
I needed to be taking care of myself and was not so, and you know, that made me realize also just how I, I'm sure it impacted, I, I'm so proud of her and, and I know I hope this story does inspire other people, but I mean, the truth is, there were a lot of times [00:28:00] I was a real shabby mom because I was under so much pressure.
You know? So like, think about just even emotional development, like just being able to be emotionally present for her. I was like, let's just get done what we need to get done and then, I need to, you know, I need to turn off, I need my space, I need my rest. I need to think some thoughts that are about me.
Like, who am I as a person if I'm not Haley's mom? And what kind of trap is that for her? You know, how, how does she get to fly and be her independent self when she can sense the, like, my entire identity, my entire purpose is wrapped up with playing that role for her. So, you know, as she got into her, you know, her high school year, she, she did an online homeschooling program for high school so she could continue, you know, the [00:29:00] program itself, while it was real intense for many years, like all day.
Every day became, some of it just became a lifestyle. And then as she became well enough, you know, it became just little bits she would do here and there. But she home homeschooled through high school and found a, a really beautiful, brilliant path for herself to college. Um, very unique path to, to college.
And she's doing beautifully there. And we have had to have some real open adult heart-to-heart talks about me learning how to become just a, me to say to her sometimes, like, you know, I, I, I can't, I can't be in that role anymore. Like, I can't over mother you. It's not good for either of us. You know, she had her own way, she has her own way of telling me when I'm over mothering, but I realized, my gosh, this is so automatic for me.
Who, so yes, who am I gonna be? Who's Darcy? And. [00:30:00] You know, I've got some ideas now and I do have some space, and, um, again, I think that's gonna be the next phase of the path unfolding bit by bit. And I do know the thing that's really lighting up for, for me right now is to be really au authentic and tell this story, not from a place of, oh, you know, I'm all healed.
And look back at what that thing I did, but I'm still healing, I'm still going through it. Like I, you know, I said some really unkind things to her the other day because I didn't know how to say, I can't do that for you, or This needs to be a new boundary for me. Or, um, or I was triggered, you know, there's a certain tone in her voice.
And today it's something so minuscule and ridiculous. It's like the internet was, you know, not working when she uploaded a paper and did it, did it get submitted on time? But there's this [00:31:00] tone in her voice that can trigger me. And in a, in a single unconscious second, I am not, you know, the healthy, um, fully individuated mother of a successful college student.
I am the mother of a baby in the N I C U fighting for her damn life. You know, in a second and a split second. That can still happen to me, those trauma triggers are real. And I, I, so what am I doing now? I'm working on healing all of that stuff, you know, working on letting her be a whole human, letting her hit bumps, you know, the bumps she hits aren't life threatening now, but my amygdala does not know that sometimes.
Right. So it's a lot of self-care. It's a lot, a lot of self-care. And in a culture that does not support that or normalize that, you know, and the culture is our, our family is even, you know, when, when [00:32:00] someone in my family, when Haley seeks out other relationships, because we all have to have other relationships and other support, and she seeks out someone else's advice and they will say, well, have you talked to your mom?
You know, we both just kinda go, oh, like stop, stop putting it all back on me. Just stop. Yeah. Yeah. But that's tough to say and it's tough to talk about still in this culture because a lot of mothers really wear this badge of honor that they're all things to all people, to all their children all the time.
And I, I've taken that one off. I mean, I've laid that badge down for sure. I, it, it, it, it delights me to disappoint her and for her to see that I'm just a human being now, you know? Uncomfortable. Yeah. But it's uncomfortable delight because there's, because that's where freedom for both of us is gonna be, and that's where, um, each of us following our [00:33:00] own dreams is gonna be.
Yeah. Yeah. And I had no idea we were gonna end up going here today, but I'm happy to do it, so, yeah. That's that. And, and it's the honest truth. It's so important
Mel: to go there. And that is the honest truth. And you know, there's so many gems in there for us to learn from and it's real, right? You've spent so many years helping heal your daughter, meanwhile building up these neural pathways, uh, that turn into triggers now, right?
Of the fear and everything that else, that maybe guided that other healing for your daughter, and it makes sense that you would still be triggered because, so I always talk about neural po uh, pathways with my daughter. When she was, so the other day she was not, the other day, last year, she was learning to ride a bike.
And I was trying to explain to her that how, like why is it so hard at the beginning and how it will become easier. So I was trying to explain a neural pathway as you do to.
A little piece of floss right [00:34:00] now, and it's really thin, and as you, each time you try, it gets thicker and thicker. And she's like, eventually it's a rope. I was like, yeah, eventually it's a rope. And like it's a lot easier for those neurons to go back and forth when it's a rope. So biking becomes, you just know how to do it and you might fall sometimes, and then it gets thicker and thicker and thicker.
And, um, as you were speaking, I was thinking of that because, you know, your, your rope is back at the nicu, right? Because I'm sure that story went through your mind so many times. Right. So many times and every other doctor's appointment that we had
Darci: after that, every other doctor's appointment, we had many, many, many times.
Sure. Many, many. And like, you know, the doctor's appointments that went like this, that went like, you know, we're trying this new program and we're finally able to get her weaned off the medications. But you know, for her to get the SSI disability, we have to meet with that specific doctor who looks at the E e G and says that I should be criminalized, that I should have my daughter taken away from me because I'm not following the mainstream protocols at this point, [00:35:00] regardless of the fact that I can show this progress and that progress.
And like, you know, so all of those times when I was, um, when I had the voices outside of me telling me I was wrong, and again, that was kind of a beautiful challenge to tune in and say, oh no, the voice inside me was right. But those were terrifying moments. Like to have a, an expert in a white coat tell you that you probably should not.
Um, have custody of your child that you're bending over backwards, sacrificing everything for, to make sure that one day they don't need you. Because I think that's the thing that all moms have is like, we're number one, I'll speak, just speak for myself. I was terrified of, and maybe sometimes a part of me still is of like having a life where I'm, where I'm not mothering, you know, like of your child growing away from you maybe is what I'm trying to say.
Like, that's terrifying when you're, when you're holding a, a, a tiny body [00:36:00] that was at one point inside you, right? Like the fact that it's going away. Like that's terrifying and you know what's simultaneously equal, terrifying. The thought that that child is always gonna depend on you. It's like terrified one way or the other.
And so that's, yeah, all of those, those moments where I, I just, I was between this rock and this hard place and, um, and it really did, it, it really solidified this kind of, this identity for me. You know, the other thing is it was an identity of control, Mel, you know, like I took her, I couldn't control what they were feeding her in school, so I took her home and I, I couldn't, you know, where I could control everything.
And ultimately, while that was what we needed for a while, that has been a hard habit to give up. That's definitely been
Mel: the cause of [00:37:00]
Darci: quite a bit of the bumps, you know, that we've hit as Haley's tried to yeah. Individuate and become our own whole, um, independent self, you know, so, Lots of challenges in there.
For me, I look at the mothers of neurotypical kids with such like envy still sometimes I envy their privilege, you know, of being able to sleep through the night without worrying, um, that their child will turn blue, not be able to breathe. You know, I, I envy their being able to send their kids, um, to a camp or a sleepover birthday party or even grandma's house where they didn't have to worry about if something was gonna be served, you know, that would be harmful.
Um, I lo I, I look at them with envy like that they actually have multiple areas of [00:38:00] interest in their life because for me it was like I could on, it was such a big focus I could only ever do, I felt like I could only do one thing at a time. I. So now, now that I'm not doing that, I have to sometimes tell Hailey, like, I can't, I can't even talk today.
Like I'm working on my other area of focus now. Like, I, I love you, but I can't talk to you today. I'm writing this book about you, like you have to go away now. And she actually likes that one. She's like, yeah, you need to finally get that written. So yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow. So she's good about that one, but, um,
Mel: yeah.
Mm, yeah,
Darci: so I just, yeah, my heart goes out to all the other mamas who are working so hard and not even maybe recognizing the places where like I was, they're, they're triggered into, um, how do I wanna say this? Like, it's, it's a, it's the role, you know, really being triggered into, into a role and not being supported in, in being able to expand into [00:39:00] something outside of that.
That's, for me, where the fear came from. So, yeah. Yeah, for sure. And
Mel: there's, there's so much to that, and I think that moms everywhere can really learn from what you're talking about here in that. We, we build our stresses from so many sources, whether we have a neurotypical child, whether we have, um, or atypical or other stresses that come up in our life. Um, you know, covid for that matter, right?
Like it's setting us all into this state of anxiety that our brain is, is shutting down. And Amy's just like Amy, I, Amy, Amy. So that's our emotion. Part of our brain is just like, whoa. Danger, danger, danger constantly. And that is, is breaking a lot of people, moms included. And, um, so one of my questions is, as you as I know you, you clearly have so much [00:40:00] knowledge in the brain and you were talking about how now you are healing yourself through that.
What does that look like for you? What does, what does that mean to heal?
Darci: That's a great question. So yeah, I'll just give you a little snippet. I mean, because yeah, I created basically these tools that I learned, , And then learned how to apply them to myself. You know, I've built an entire program to teach other women about this too.
And I, I think really the best way we teach is maybe the only way to teach is through our own example, right? So it looks like this. Number one, that stress, there's a physiological organ in the body that deals with stress. The adrenal glands, they have needs. So they need plenty of B vitamin. They need, , nutrients, they need minerals, they need, you know, water.
So for me, the biggest tool in my toolbox is nutrition. And if I [00:41:00] drop that tool, you know, it's like a hammer on my toe. When I drop it, I feel it. So what this looks like for me is number one, something we don't hear talked about much yet. Hopefully I'm gonna help change that. Everybody knows, oh, we gotta cut down on sugar or quit sugar.
And yes you do, but here's, here's what's hiding under there. This is more about carbohydrate intolerance than it is just about the straight white sugar. When I talk about nutrition, I make sure that I'm only eating the carbohydrate load that my body can metabolize, because if I go over that and I end up with a huge glucose spike, you get a glucose spike from pasta the same as you do from a donut.
Like if I end up with a big glucose spike and an insulin response, and then I know I'm gonna be into my adrenal stores, I'm gonna have a cortisol issue, my sleep is gonna go downhill, my hormone balance will be off like that is, that's the first domino, you know. So what I [00:42:00] have to do is make sure that I am eating a well-balanced diet and that I've got tons of good nutrition.
I do that with. You know, the unprocessed proteins that I eat, I do it with healthy fats that I eat. I eat as many different vegetables, fresh, local, and as many different colors as I can. And I do it under my carb tolerance. So I nourish my body, nourish my body. And just when you think you don't have time to do that is when you need to take just enough time to do that.
And you know, I've got all kinds of tips that I use for busy moms. Like I use a crockpot, you know, um, on those busy days. Like I've got dinner in the crockpot now, so I'm, I'm here with you. I'm not cooking my dinner, but there will be something for me when I leave this room that's, that's not, you know, I don't have to worry about hurting me.
We, so many of us, we get in a hurry and then we do things that, that hurt ourselves and, um, we just don't need to be doing that. [00:43:00] So I nourish my body. I move my body. So many of us are living sedentary lives. This is one, we've got a lot of beautiful things about modern life in, in our, in our world. And sedentary lifestyles is not one of 'em.
So I've gotta move. And luckily, I'm, you know, creating my own career and carving my own path. Like I always have, like with Haley, like we learned the, the best way to to impact a brain is to move a body. So, yeah, I, I move and I do it in a way that really honors again, my instincts and my needs and the seasons, what part of my cycle that I'm in.
I'm really careful not to do anything too intense. A lot of us make a mistake, like we sit all day and then we think, oh, I need to exercise. So we run hard on a treadmill and that high intensity can cause more stress. And so I get a lot of movement outside, gardening, biking, walking, walking the dog. So I move my body and then, you know, the other component is rest.
I rest my body. Like I go to [00:44:00] bed early enough that I can get to sleep to a deep sleep and I sleep until I'm finished most, most days. And that's, you know, I know for a lot of people and, and where I once was, it was like, oh no, I'm gonna wake up to the sound of, to a harsh sound, jolting me awake, you know, mids sleep cycle doesn't matter cuz there's things waiting on the other side that I have to do and I have to do them in these time windows that we've all agreed upon.
And, and yes, there is a part of that, but I tell you what I have learned over the many years in my journey with this human body is that if we get the going to bed part right, um, the waking up part often resolves itself. So I have. For the most part, most days, the privilege of waking up when my body is, well, it's complete when it's well rested.
And that has made the huge difference. You know, I don't, I can't remember the last time I was sick and, um, I, I still cycle regularly. I'm, yeah, I, I feel better and younger and stronger now than I did [00:45:00] a decade ago. It's amazing. Yeah. So self-care is so important and just, you know, it doesn't have to take longer.
I think it does have to take some planning and it takes some practice and like you said, these neural pathways, like one new habit at a time. We can, we can all do this, we can get some rest. We can eat real food and we can get moving outside. So yeah,
Mel: I love the, the simplicity of that, even though it's hard, I.
It's still a such a simple concept, right? Let, let's, let's sleep The what we need. Let's give ourselves some good real food and let's, I've just forgot the third off my move. Gotta move, move. Thank you. Those three things. So simple, right? And yet as you say, like, building new habits is extremely challenging because we have a lifetime of other habits that we're, um, [00:46:00] trying to overcome essentially.
And,
Darci: um, but I love, I
Mel: love that we can think about it in a nice, simple way and then say, okay, one thing at a time,
Darci: one thing, you know, who really helps with it? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. Go on. No, you know what really, what really helps with it? I think, um, this is where having young children and dogs is really a blessing.
And because they're trying to tell us they want to do the same thing. Like when they're, when they're hungry, they want to eat, they, they do better when they eat real food, um, you know, when they've been sedentary too long, they wanna move. Like this is kind of where, and this is what I learned, like learning to follow the in because our young kids and our dogs, they're not totally separated from their instincts yet.
You know, they haven't really bought it, that they should be listening to those voices outside. They are more embodied, they're more in that natural state and flow. So that's where having them, um, is a real gift because [00:47:00] they kind of nudge us in the direction we really should be going anyway. I love it.
Just listen to your kids. It's slightly inconvenient in terms of the modern world schedule, like the adulting stuff we have to do, but to be honest, it's way better for your body and brain and health to do it their way most of the time.
Mel: Yeah, and that's such an interesting one because as you were talking about, like say sleep for example, and when we wake up and I was just envisioning the days where I'll feel really anxious about the fact that I'm gonna wake my kid up at this exact time so that we can do this, then this, then this, and get out the door and get to the school before the bell rings.
And none of us are happy on those days. Never. Like it's just not the case.
. And I eventually realized that that was my anxiety because the normal world says it looks bad on me as a mom if my daughter shows up late at school frequently. Right. And it's disrespectful and all these things. And then, Eventually I tends to go [00:48:00] through cycles, but I, I will, I'm like, you know what?
My daughter needs an extra 15, 20 minutes of sleep to wake up naturally. And when she does, she's in a better mood. I'm in a better mood. Sometimes we're even on time because we've let ourselves wake up at that right time. And to remove that expectation on myself that we have to be on time. What does on time mean?
Right. It's a little tick in a box. Her report card tells me how many times she's late, but that's it. Right. And , as you were speaking there that example just really came to my mind and I think it's easy for, the other part of my brain to say, oh, wouldn't it be nice to be able to wake up when I want in the morning?
And there is that. Cause my four-year-old will come and wake up whenever he wants to in, but it's also. You know, thinking about where can we bring that into our life? I think that's such a good point you bring up and
Darci: how can we take care of ourselves
Mel: and what does self-care mean other than like, go to the [00:49:00] spa and get your hair cut.
Darci: Right. Yeah. Those are wonderful things as well. But there's more. There's more. Yeah, there's, there's deeper, I think. And you know, what you bring up is something that really is, I resonate with this so much and that's mom shame. You know, that we are so worried about, what the world thinks of our kids because it's gonna be a reflection on us.
And you know, if there's something every woman is supposed to be according to the culture, it's a mom. And if there's something a mom is supposed to be according to the culture, you know, it's a good mom. And how do we judge that? Well by how your kids turn out. You know, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that that was not the whole thing.
I, I did this program. I wanted my daughter to live a life of her choosing. I wanted her to have the abilities to be able to choose her own way, to not be limited, to be able to read, to be able to do what she wanted. But I will [00:50:00] admit there is a kernel in there that I, I, yes, I cared what people thought about me and how she turned out and, and all, you know, all of the toxic stuff wrapped up in that.
And so, self-care, this is not easy to do. I'm gonna say it, it sounds like, you know, reject that, that's your self care and that's your care for your kids too, is to wherever you need to reject those, those standards, those judgments, those things being placed on you. And, you know, I'll, I'll be honest, we cannot control what the world thinks of us.
Like, they can go on and think whatever they need to think of me. What really, where I do the damage is where I agree with that. Yeah, exactly. So, and
it
Mel: brings back to that, that control thing that you brought up earlier, right? Like, I wanna control what other people think about me or my kid or my family.
And the [00:51:00] reality is I can't, I can't, I can do anything I want, but I can't control what they think. No. And, um, releasing that is, is freedom
really.
Darci: For sure. Like, I could have stood there and tried and I did. I, I had my list, I had, um, some evidence. I tried to convince that doctor that what I was choosing was the best thing.
I tried to help her see that. And at the end of the hour when she did not, I had to let all of that go. And I, I didn't change her mind about me. But I didn't change my mind about me or my daughter's potential either, and I had to leave all of that in that room and head home and get back to creeping and crawling and you know, all of the things that we did to reorganize Haley's Haley's cortex, so she could be who she wanted to be.
But yeah, it's easier said than done. But when we let them think what they wanna think, and we have the courage to think what we think, which is this, you're a beloved child of this [00:52:00] universe. You have everything inside you that you need to find the right answers for you. You can trust your instincts. You were born to thrive.
And the same goes for every one of your
Mel: beautiful kids. Yeah, I love that. I love that. Okay, so tell me, you've, you've touched on a little bit, um, in those three beautifully simple things that we mentioned before of having a program and going off and doing your thing. That is, you now, tell me more about this.
What's the big audacious dream? What are you doing?
Darci: I'm here for a paradigm shift, Mel. I, I thought I wanted to, like, for a long time, all I ever, all I wanted was, you know, for my kid to be well and she wanted to go to college, so that's what I, so I was like, we're we'll know. We've made it when she gets into college, well, she's there now and it's like, oh, the path keeps going.
Oh, I've gotta think of something else to dream. Now. I've said to her like, you have to come up with a new dream. Like you make your dreams come true. You have to keep going. So I wanted to, you know, I wanted to help [00:53:00] other kids like Hailey. So I've got all these certifications and, and I, you know, was in teaching and I was gonna help all the kids with learning disabilities.
And I did that for a little while and I realized, Well, then I really wanted to work for myself. So I created my own business doing that. And then I realized, you know what? We're gonna help those kids gonna have to help their mamas first. So out of that, was born a new dream, and now it's called Vibrant Woman International, L L C.
So she's a real thing now, and I realize it's not just creating the business and attracting some clients and getting mothers sleeping through the night again, so they, so they can, you know, and not melt down on their families anymore. Like that was a dream. But now I'm realizing it's even bigger than that.
It really, I'm here for a paradigm shift. That's my big dream, and it starts again with me. Like, who can I be? Like where am I still putting limits on [00:54:00] myself and where am I still comparing myself? So I'm working on all of that, but I've decided that. I have to go another level up in terms of not caring what other people think.
Not being afraid if they're gonna like me or approve of me and telling the whole truth, which is that we need a paradigm shift. We got a sick care system. We got an educational system where we got kids locked in rooms pretending to be shot at every day. Um, so w we've got, yeah, we're, we're spending billions of dollars treating symptoms and nobody's talking about root causes.
And you know what, that I'm realizing is the dream that if that was born the night, my daughter almost died in that hospital. That's what I've been [00:55:00] up to this whole time. I kind of didn't even realize it. Root causes like look a little deeper, look a little deeper. Look a little deeper because we cannot ever hope to accomplish anything by masking and attacking symptoms.
We have to look at what's causing the thing and pull up the roots. And even better than that, we just have to plant something new. So for me, this doesn't look anything like smash in a patriarchy or anything like that. It just literally looks like building new communities where women can come together and tell the truths of their experience, the truth of their motherhood.
It's not all sunshine and roses. We don't love everything about it. We don't need to be ashamed of that. Um, we don't have to always like our kids to be good enough mothers. We need to find time to ourselves and, and be creative. So I'm writing a [00:56:00] book. I'm learning a little bit about music, believe it or not.
I know I had the courage to say that I'm gonna start a podcast and I'm gonna keep growing this, the vibrant woman, international community to, uh, yeah, to attract the women who are ready to just begin one at a time, one by one of us. We just, we become more fully who we were born to be, and then we just see what good comes of that, where we are, you know, it doesn't have to be some big dramatic thing.
So that's my new dream, and that's what gets me up in the morning. And that's how I met you. And I'm so delighted that our paths have crossed. I mean, I just, I can't imagine a better way to spend an evening to, than to have conversations like this with beautiful, brilliant souls like you. So I wanna thank you for this time together.
Well, thank
Mel: you, and I've absolutely loved having you here and I [00:57:00] love that your dream is coming from, you know, as you say, it's, it's been coming from the day your daughter was
born,
right? You just didn't quite know it yet. And for the mums out there that are thinking, I know I have this thing that I wanna go do, but I just don't know what it is yet.
Or maybe I, I thought I did, and now it doesn't feel right. It's in there. It's in there. When you find it, it you'll, you'll just know. Right? You'll know because, and then it will adapt again. And that's okay too, right? It just goes back to that embodiment and, and what does it feel like right now? What's your body telling you about this right now?
And I can tell what your body is telling you about this, and it is good thing. Right. I can see the way you sit differently when you're talking about it, and, and it's just, you know, it's, um, which is just so beautiful. And I think as a massive fan of communities and bringing moms and bringing women together, I am so excited to see where you go with this and bringing in all [00:58:00] of your journey and experience and knowledge and skills and heart and, um, yeah, I just can't see where, can't wait to see where it goes.
Darci: Well, let me just say this really quick to to moms and thank you for that encouragement. But here's the other little piece of this, because it doesn't always just go up, like things don't just always get better. Like there are seasons and cycles, you know, where you and I both live, like we're emerging from, you know, the barren cycle, right?
The barren part of the cycle. Like that fertile void is an important part of this. And so sometimes as women we forget that we are cyclical creatures and we, we feel, and cuz I know we feel lost when we like the productivity cycles, right? Like the full moon, the ovulation, when things are in bloom, like that's when we can see and it feels so clear.
But we forget that to have that bloom, you have to have the fertile void. And so, I just wanna say this, if you're not sure that you're on track or you're not sure what your [00:59:00] dream is, That doesn't mean that you are not right now the rich soil or the roots of it to grow. You don't have to speed the bloom to know that it's there and that it will come in time.
So that's the other thing, having support to be seasonal and to not always be in bloom and to need to rest. Sometimes to take that dip, that's a normal part of it and just keep loving yourself through that part. So I'm in a season of bloom kind of right now, which is always the most exciting part maybe.
But I know that when I hit the, you know, the darkness, the new moon, the wintering part, um, I know what to do about that. I know to just, um, snuggle in and rest and wait and it always cycles back around. So have hope and. Don't let yourself be discouraged in those seasons [01:00:00] of downtime, cuz it's still, it's still within you.
Everything you need is within you even then. Right. Yeah. And I love that. Snuggle in and rest and wait, like, who doesn't wanna do that? That's
Mel: exactly when I do, when I wanna do in a dark time. Right.
Darci: Especially when it hates. I actually have a
Mel: hammock in my office right beside me here and I just, I just wanna snuggle into it sometimes and just like, go to sleep or whatever it might be in that moment.
And yeah, I love that description. So you may well have just told us, but my, my, my, well almost last question for you is any tips that you have for, for the moms out there listening who maybe in any of those seasons, really?
Darci: Oh gosh. Well, I think the only, if I really ever only had one bit of advice and, and that, that I need to hear as well, it's to trust yourself.
Just always trust yourself. Know that you're enough. [01:01:00] That's really it. That will get you, to the places you need to be when you need to be there. Yeah. And if that's what I could say to, to, to my younger self, Darcy sitting so lost and hopeless on that sofa, and maybe I did even know it then, but, um, just trust yourself and if you need support, come on over and find me.
Mel: And on that note, tell us how can we find
Darci: you? Well, I've got a website that is up, but will be, , you know, under construction a little bit to show some of the, the wonderful new things I have cooking up. But yes, come find me. I'm at darcy hawks hurst.com and I'll spell it. D a r c i h a w x H u r S t. Com.
You can also find me on social media under that name. I'm on Facebook and Instagram, and I do have a channel on YouTube too. Because I like to talk about health and fitness and to teach people [01:02:00] in little bits. You know, I think as moms we often only have little bits of time to devote to ourselves, and I think that's fine.
Take them where you have them and uh, come on over and learn a little bit more about, you know, how to get your metabolism going, how to sleep through the night, what to do about, you know, eating those healthy foods. And I, I, I have tons of stuff. I'm gonna be launching Vibrant Kids. , this, this branch of my brand this summer, and I love to answer questions like, how do you sneak more veggies in your kid's diet?
So, , you know, I've been there and I'm just gonna share all my tools with anybody who wants 'em. So I would love to see you.
Mel: Oh, that is amazing. I have so many more questions about that. We'll have to have another conversation at that first round two time. Yeah, exactly. , yes, the wellbeing of our kids, of course, is top of mind for all of us as well.
So, so let's, uh, let's wait for that one. Awesome. Thank you so, so much for joining us. We will put all of that in the show notes for people to check out, on Permission to Be Human, ca and Darcy. [01:03:00] Thank you. Thank
Darci: you. Thank you, Mel. And thank you to all the mamas out there making the world go round.
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