Episode 5 - the self care triangle and what to do with the stories that are no longer serving you
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/ hey, and welcome to this very first episode of its kind where you get to hear from just me. Mel. As well as interviews with amazing mothers and experts out there on this podcast. I want to also make sure to give you some juicy tools and spaces for reflection. So I'll be throwing in some episodes here and there. Just like this one. [00:01:00]
Today. I'm going to give you a glimpse into me so that you can look back at you. We'll be exploring some of the stories that I've told myself for years that are no longer serving me.
And the thing is we all have stories that we tell ourselves constantly. Some of them serve us. Some of them do for a little while, and then they don't. And some just simply don't service. The trick is noticing the stories. Deciding if they're useful. And then doing something about it. If they're not.
Last episode, we spoke to Cara Williams, love about how Havening can help us to shift these stories. And so I figured this week, why not dig into what some of those stories might be, then you can head on over to episode four again, and relisten to Carol, talk to you about how to shift them. Got that.
Right. So as some of you may be aware. I am a possibility coach. [00:02:00] I thrive when playing in that space of possibility and gain so much energy from being in it. You know that space of ideation where there's no rules and anything is possible. Where we think big and play. Yes. And games. Where we dream.
I love this space and I love it because in my mind, if you tell me a big dream. I'm already there. I'm thinking. What would it be if it was even bigger? What if, even though you can't quite believe it yet, it's actually possible. To me, it is possible because once we've gone there and explored it, it's already happening inside my head.
I can hold that vision. It's like, I can see the future. And. Even saying this, my temptation is now to say, I know it's crazy. I'm crazy. And welcome to one of the first unuseful stories that I tell myself. [00:03:00]
The thing is until recently I never saw my ability to play with possibility. As a good thing. I would swing back and forth between telling myself two stories. The first one, everyone can and wants to do it. This is not a unique thing. The second story it's holding me back. And then you can move on from that, into.
Being the starter means I'm not a finisher. Ideation is not action and so on. And so on. But you know what I'm calling BS on both those stories and so many more. I am committing to shift them to new stories that actually serve me. You'll find out why below.
And I'm curious, do you identify with these stories or maybe there's ones that it's making you think of that are yours? Just to hold that thought for a second. Before you go and answer these questions. Just give me one more second. I'm actually going to do [00:04:00] something. Not many people do on a podcast.
And give you the time. And just a moment to connect in with yourself. First like many others do. I'm going to teach you something a framework. A framework that we use. And remember, once you start answering the questions. Then I'm going to give you a moment to reflect. To think through your stories.
Right. Got it. So, firstly, I know you've probably already gone into what some of your stories are before you go any deeper. Let me explain a little model. There's a reason why you should wait. This is the self care triangle. Now imagine a triangle right shape point to the top. Two dots on the two points at the bottom.
At the top of it. Is self-awareness. By simply thinking of what stories you're telling yourself that you no longer. Need. You're going to just a self-awareness. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's harder. The [00:05:00] key is that you take time to. To go there.
Now. What usually happens when we go into self-awareness. Is that. Now that we're aware that about something to do with ourselves that we maybe don't want anymore. Our negative self chat goes into overload. So you're a mink Della or Amy as I call her, starts to protect you. This is the emotional part of your brain.
That is some is always wanting to keep you safe. So that's what it's going to do. Now. The story you're becoming aware of was created based on a belief. Uh, belief that you have held for so long, often your entire life. And Amy is convinced that that belief keeps you safe. So if you go and try to convince Amy that we should change it.
She's going to put up a fight.
So let's take my first [00:06:00] stories.
Number one, everyone can do it and therefore, no one needs it. Number two ideation is not action. Now. When I came, when I was thinking through these stories, I sat and dug a little deeper. And asked myself, what are the beliefs underlying them? And this is what it came down to, and it was a bit of a bombshell.
So the first one is I need to be different to be successful. That's the belief I hold.
And two. Being different is just being difficult.
Ouch. No wonder. I've had years of pull back and forth. My beliefs contradict each other. When I listened to the first belief and decide I am in fact unique. Then the second one, rears its head and says, yep, you are, but you're just being difficult. Jeez.
Yeah, I need to breathe after [00:07:00] that, even just saying it makes my heart race.
Now, if I was to stop here at the top of the triangle and self-awareness then good old, Amy will pipe in there and start protecting me by pressing. The negative talk button. Convincing me that these are real beliefs and equally important. And my response. Fight back against myself. So I start thinking things and saying things in my head, such as are you serious, Mel?
Why would you hold two contrasting beliefs. That's ridiculous. How dumb can you be sort yourself out? Why do you find this all so hard? It's pointless to try and change this. Now, these beliefs are ingrained. And so much more and so much worse than I'm unwilling to say out loud. Perhaps you can empathize.
Do you have moments when your inner self chatter is something that you would never say to someone else? So why do we think it's okay to talk to ourselves that way?
But if we're not careful, [00:08:00] We get ourselves into a negative spiral. And beat ourselves up. For thinking, even those things. How could you even think all these horrible things about yourself? Et cetera, et cetera. And so we enter into the second point of the triangle. Self-compassion.
I am human. You are human. We have complicated brains and emotions affected by everything we have seen smelled, felt thought or done in our lives. Amy is strong in all of us. And all of us have these stories that are no longer serving us. And we have negative self chatter.
Now that we're aware of this, how can we give ourselves compassion?
Each of us will have our own methods. For me when I noticed that I'm stepping towards self criticism, instead of self-compassion. I take a moment to breathe into [00:09:00] it, distract myself by counting breaths or the colors that I see. I even use some of the Haven and techniques that Carol talked to us about in our last episode, episode four.
I rubbed my hands together. Like I'm washing them. And I count how many colors I can see. How many shapes. How many tiles on the floor? And I breathe.
And I give myself a mental hug. And whisper that it's okay. I am human. I am safe. And it's in this safety. In this self-compassion. That Amy will ever so slowly. Let me take a step towards shifting those stories. To question those beliefs. Each time I try, it gets easier to help her feel safe. And then to shift.
But it is a journey. Now, before I tell you the third point in the triangle. I want to give you a chance to try out the [00:10:00] above. Give yourself the next two to three minutes to connect with you. Right now, right here.
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Ready. So first let's get grounded in present. If you're doing something else while you listen, stop. If you're cooking, put down the knife. If you're scrolling, put down the phone. If you're driving, pull over. Or if you're driving, just listen and listen again later when you can. The reason we take this moment.
We do these breaths is to help Amy feel calm and safe before we even start thinking.
Ready. Now take a deep breath. Go in through the nose, counting to six. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six and hold at the top for four. Two. Three. four and then out for, four one.
Too. [00:11:00] Three four.
Close your eyes, if it is safe to do so. Take three more breaths at your own pace.
Now reflect. What is one story that you've told yourself in the last 24 hours? That may no longer serve you. Perhaps my stories earlier sparked one for you. Or perhaps you have another completely different one.
If you'd like to try Havening, this is a great time to do it. Simply rub your hands as if you were washing [00:12:00] them. or stroking down only. Give yourself a hug. Take a moment.
If you're at a desk. Write it down. Or draw a picture representing it. If not simply repeat it in your mind. Enter the awareness phase. Reflect.
If you need more time. Just press pause. Take it. [00:13:00]
Now compassion. Catch the judging thoughts that are arising inside of you. The ones that are fighting against the idea that things could be different. Mentally, give them a hug.
Thank them for trying to keep you safe. And explain that. You're good. You're safe.
/Give yourself compassion for feeling the feels. For having stories. For being human.
/in your own time. Let yourself come out of this phase.
Open your eyes. Take in the world.
How was that? Taking that moment for yourself. Those are the first two points of our triangle. But there's a third. The last point of the triangle self care. These words means so [00:14:00] much more than our culture lets us believe
self-care is the abundance of the work you just did with the addition of now doing something that makes you feel good. Have a shower or a bath. Jump in the lake. Do a dance laugh. Side note. Did you know that our brains do not know the difference between real and fake laughter? They'll give you all the happy hormones, no matter what. So just laugh.
Play lay down. Do what your body says it needs. It can take a few seconds or a few minutes or a few hours. Do what you can and the time you have. And that's it. That's the self-care triangle. That is how, if we intentionally work our way through these phases often. Well, thinking about the stories we hold true that no longer serve us, we will shift.
Our stories will shift. Slowly, but [00:15:00] surely we will replace them with ones that serve us in this season of our life.
And with that, I leave you. I have work to do clearly and stories to continue to shift. So, so to you, and here's my invitation to take the time. Do the work get uncomfortable. Give yourself compassion and become the best version of you.
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And of course, as always, you are officially given permission to be human. Until next time, this is Mel Findlater on permission to be human. The podcast
If you enjoyed today's episode of permission to be human the podcast, do me a favor, subscribe, rate the podcast and tell a friend. I'm on a mission to help moms see possibility. So that we can create a together world. Your spreading the word. will get us one step. Closer. [00:16:00] Thanks a bunch.
